Sexolve 60: ‘My Boyfriend Beats Me’

Got a problem about relationships, sex or sexuality? Let’s talk.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

I Feel Attracted to Teens

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a confession to make. I get attracted to teenagers. I get attracted to both men and women. I am bisexual. I have never really engaged with them sexually. But I do get attracted and sometimes I am really scared of my feelings. I feel very shitty at times that I get such thoughts in my head – of sexual nature. I get scared of kids not because I will do anything to them, but because their parents may come to know and they may object to my presence anywhere. I never shared this with anyone because I thought people will think I am socially unfit. I feel like a criminal. I may be a criminal in the eyes of the law. I feel disgusted and sometimes suicidal that I think like this. How do I rectify myself? I hope you will not judge me?

Sav, Philadelphia

Dear Sav,

Firstly, thank you for trusting in me. I think it is remarkable that you are able to analyse your feelings so well. We all think and we all let our imaginations run wild. When someone irritates me, in my imagination, I think of murdering the person. Murder is a crime. Thinking is not a crime. Doing the actual act is what is a criminal offence and a moral offence.

But I understand the concern that people may have when they realise that someone is attracted to older teens. You have not committed any crime. You are just having some attractions. In India, we have a law called POCSO (protection of children from sexual offenses act) which makes reporting of actual crimes of sexual nature against children mandatory. However, the things that run in your mind are not a criminal offense. So, there is no reporting here, for there is no crime. Plus, you are not in this country anyway.

However, you should know, that child sexual abuse is way too common. Which makes child sexual abusers, way too common. You are different. You are not an abuser. You are overwhelmed with the feeling of remorse even without doing anything that would qualify you as a sexual offender. Your guilt is baseless. You are a kind man. I advise you to visit a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist to assist you dealing with your attractions.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going… to the shrink. They could sort your life for you.

Take care.

Smiles

RainbowMan

Is Ass-Whipping During Sex a Bad Practice?

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 37-year-old woman. I have been loving BDSM since my marriage. My husband complies to all that I say. I am a master and he is the slave in the relationship. I love whipping his ass. He has been having some digestive problems because of me beating him up pink and blue. Am I doing it wrong? Is it a bad thing to do?

Ass-you-like-it

Dear Ass-you-like-it,

I wish we don’t measure everything in just the scale of right and wrong. I would rather that you use words like consensual and non-consensual. I am no business judging your sexual life or your sexual practices. I will judge them only on whether it is consensual and between adults. By your message, I understand that your partner consents to his ass being whipped.

But consent, comes with a lot of responsibility. It is best for people in the act to draw limits to which they can extend their sexual pleasures or kinks.

I cannot comment on the correlation of ass-whipping and digestive issues. It is best answered by a medical professional. Please visit a sexologist at the soonest.

Smiles

RainbowMan

My Boyfriend Beats Me

Dear RainbowMan,

I am having serious issues with my boyfriend. We have been in a gay relationship for three years now. He beats me up. But I love him. I don’t want to leave him. Help me?

True Lover, Bombay

Dear True Lover,

Love is one that respects. One that listens. One that is hurt when you are hurt. One that thinks of you as a part of him. That’s love. Love is not one that causes trauma. That’s love gone away.

Time for you to cheer up, to gear up with all the strength you have and demand that you be treated respectfully. If he loves, he will listen. If he doesn’t, you are worthy of more than him, so dump him.

Smiles

RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)