Scared of Parties? Here’s How to Go From Koothrapalli to Barney

If you’re already dreading the holidays thinking of all the parties you’ll have to go to, you’re not alone, my friend

If you’re the kind of person who’s bouncing off walls in glee, thinking of all the awesome pah-ties you’re going to host and all the awesome people you’re going to invite, then congratulations. You’re a party person.

And this article isn’t for you.

Because bang opposite you on the social spectrum right now, is a bunch of people sweating profusely, counting change and desperately thinking up gifts. Your joy is their misery. Your cup of euphoria is the pool they’d rather drown in.

Say hello, party peeps to the party phobes.

When I recently asked a friend what she thought of partying at a friend of a friend’s (whom neither of us knew), she shut me up with this very sensible salvo – “You’re nuts”. She let me know she’d rather spend New Year’s Eve heating up spaghetti leftovers, thank you, than be grinded up against a wall of people and be forced to bring random gifts.

She isn’t alone. As the holidays arrive – and since we’re Indians, we’re talking a hundred-and-gazillion of them – a whole population goes into a frenzy.

You don’t necessarily have to have SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) to be dreading the holidays when they come. Nor are you alone.

Here are a bunch of syndromes we know you totally fall prey to – and here’s how to get rid of them:

The I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Get-You

The don’t-know-what-to-get-you syndrome is actually pretty common. Were you thinking of passing off twenty IOUs this Christmas as actual gifts, and then hoping and praying no one knew what it meant? Yup, yup. Welcome to the social sinkhole. The anxiety over not knowing what to buy someone on a festive occasion is very real and can drive a person up the wall. Here’s what I’m thinking. Partying at someone’s you don’t know very well? Buy wine. Facebook-ish friend? Play it safe with a book. Anyone closer will be on board with a verbal IOU. We think.

The Mannequin-Wore-it-Better

No one knows the pain of going to battle more than the party phobe. Battle armour comes in the form of the little black dress, that pair of pumps you didn’t break in (so your feet hurt all night. Score!) and an amount of warpaint that would put a Vegas showboy to shame.

ALL in the hopes that someone will like you and talk to you and not decimate you at the altar of social mockery.

Now. Here’s the big revelation of the night. Are you ready?

Everybody else is just as scared. Everybody you approach, no matter how confident and poised they look, are hoping and praying you’ll bring up Breaking Bad so they have something to talk about.

The Raj-Koothrappali Syndrome

Aka awkward Indian boy on The Big Bang Theory. What if you’re at a party where everybody else is pretty much a couple, and you’re the odd one out? (Of course, Koothrapali’s entire life on the sitcom is that party but that’s a whole other story.) You may walk into a room with very few faces turned towards you (mostly because one-half of the room is playing tonsil tongue and the other half’s just about to.)

Stay undaunted and work the room. Remember what a party’s all about? Fifty strangers chugging beer from plastic cups and shouting at one another over deafening music. Got it? Great. Now just look for the other person as bored as you and you should be fine.

The I-Desperately-Need-an-Icebreaker

So you’ve walked up to someone and said ‘hello’. That’s great! Are you now staring at their bangs, wondering if you should tell them how funky they look? Go ahead and do it! People respond best to genuine compliments, as it puts them at ease.

I’m going to tell you something I learned a long time ago: thin thighs, Jimmy Choo boots and the ability to keep a room in splits aren’t the hallmarks of a great social person. (If they were, Paris Hilton would be invited to everything.)

Think about it this way: if you say something too rehearsed and clever, it immediately puts pressure on them to say something equally clever – as a result of which you’re stuck in an endless time loop of trying to show off like monkeys. Why put yourself through that?