Sexolve 172: ‘My Wife Mentions the Name of Her Colleague in Sleep’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:se

'I Found Another Guy in my Bed, and my Husband was in his Underwear'

Dear RainbowMan,

There is a challenge that I am facing. I hope you are able to help me. I have been married for the past 4 years and since the past 2 years my husband has not been touching me. A month ago, I got into a bitter fight with him. He slapped me in a fit of anger. He then told me that I am responsible for all the problems in his life. He also said that he is not able to enjoy life because of me. He said he wants to have sex and he is not able to have that because of me. He told me I was ugly and bad in bed. He told me that my breasts are too small. He told me that my vagina is too loose and possibly I would have had sex with others. All this was drawing me to suicide. My husband and my relationship would have reached doomsday anyway, a month ago itself. However, a couple of days after this drama, when I came home early from work, I found another guy in my bed, and my husband was in his underwear. I don’t know what they were doing, but they looked really intimate and intense. My husband did not tell anything, just wore his clothes and went out of the room, the other guy who was with my husband, however told me that he is sorry that he loves my husband. That’s when it dawned on me that my husband is gay. I suddenly started feeling bad for my husband. I have always had a soft corner for my gay friends. I feel he was behaving rude with me just because he was trying to hide. I instantly accepted my husband and told him that. He got angry when I told him I accept him and his sexuality, and told me to f!@k off. I wasn’t angry with him when he said that, but I was upset that he was holding the truth and in the closet for so long. I wish to make things alright with my husband. I want to get him and his boyfriend in a relationship together. I don’t want to lose my husband. How do I do it?

Troubled Wifey

Dear Troubled Wifey,

Thank you for writing to me. I understand it would not have been so easy for you to pen this.

I cannot understand from your mail, if you love your husband or you are with him because that’s what wives do – they stick around with their husband even when they do the most abusive of things.

You don’t have to stick around because that’s what is expected of you. I gather that you are a working woman, I suggest that you do not take any form of insult from your husband.

People come in all temperaments, not all are well behaved and loving, some are badly behaved, some believe in insulting, some are argumentative and some are exploitative.

The fact that your husband is gay, doesn’t absolve him of any sins that he commits. Gay people are people. They are capable of kindness and evil as everyone else.

You caught your husband red handed and rather than apologising to you for cheating on you, he chose to behave rudely with you.

As a gay man who has interacted with many gay men married to women, I know you may be right in assessing that he possibly was behaving rudely with you because he was feeling trapped in his marriage with a woman whereas he was gay or bisexual or/and just preferred having sex with men. But how is he excused for his rudeness, the violence he perpetuated and the trauma he put you through.

Grab your life with your open arms. Give your life a chance. You have your own independent life. You don’t deserve the cruelty and insensitivity you put up with. You can do better, even if alone.

The ultimate god of your story, is you. You can write your story the way you want. I just request you to not write your life to him.

Things will get better, just begin by standing up for yourself.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

P.S. Please take care of yourself. Stand up for yourself.

Am I Wrong if I Like Such Videos?

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a little weird question to ask you. I am a gymnast and have a quirky side to myself. I saw a video on one of the porn sites where a man is able to bend and give himself a blow job all by himself. I don’t know if you have seen it. Am I wrong if I like such videos and could you please tell me how can one do that? Did you try doing that too sometime? I mean the sucking of one’s own penis.

Gymnastic Man

Dear Flexible Gymnastic Man,

I have watched porn and I have also seen the kind of videos that you are mentioning.

Your feelings are unique, deeply personal and most importantly – yours. Any fantasy that is not the common one, stands the risk of getting branded as weird. However, it is important that you as a person, don’t start looking at yourself as weird.

I don’t know if you are capable of sucking of your own penis. I am sure that one could get a sprain. I haven’t attempted it, but then I am not a gymnast and I don’t take such risks with my body. I would suggest that you don’t take such risks too. I don’t want you to end up with a bad sprain.

I'd suggest that you find a friendly sexologist with whom you could discuss these fantasies and seek proper advice.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. Just by the thought of it, my neck is aching. (Okay, I exaggerate)

'My Wife Mentions the Name of her Female Colleague in her Sleep'

Dear RainbowMan,

My wife keeps snoring the whole night and mentions the name of her female colleague in her sleep. Does this mean that my wife is in love with this girl and is therefore queer? How do I find out?

Devoted Hubby

Dear Devoted Hubby,

Your wife is not queer, just because she mentions the name of her friend. She may have had good times with her, or may be upset with her, that she mentions her name when she is sleeping.

Give your mind some rest. Don’t think so much.

There is only one person who could tell you if they are queer or not - the person themselves. There are no characteristics or habits or signs to ascertain that someone is queer.

If it is bothering you so much, why don’t you just ask your wife.

Don’t ask her as an allegation, but as a means to clear the air about what you are feeling.

Things get better with better conversations.

Smiles

Rainbow Man

P.S. ASK don’t ASSUME

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)