(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
My Boyfriend Loses His Erection When I Am On Top
I am a 27 year old woman in love with a 28 year old man. We have had a very happy and happening relationship when it comes to sex. We have been really good and experimented in our sex. However, I have a peculiar problem with my boyfriend. He likes it when we have sex and he is adequately rough, he tries to compensate to his otherwise quiet personality. However, there is a point when he loses his erection, almost always. That’s when I go on top of him when he is sleeping. His penis starts sleeping too. He almost instantly loses his erection. I try different positions while I am on top of him, but he loses it all the time or sometimes his penis even misses my vagina. I don’t know how to keep his penis on when I get on top of him. I love the feeling when I am on top of a man and his fully erect penis is inside my vagina. I also end up feeling like, it is my mistake that he isn’t around in this position. However, I think I will never be able to experience that with this boyfriend. Please help in keeping his flag hoisted. Else I may need to meet other men who can give me that feeling. You know what I mean? Not being rude, judge me if you want to - but I need to experience what I want to experience. Just one life, I have, I don’t want to spend with just the pleasure of one.
Dear Miss Interrupted,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt mail. I am glad that your partner and you have a fulfilling sex life otherwise. Look at this as a small hiccup.
There could be several reasons for him losing his erection only in this position and this might be because he may not be aroused in this particular position.
Sometimes concentrating too much on the process and technique may drift away from the essence of romance. Have you tried focussing on love, conversations, cuddles, oral stimulation? Maybe, then it will simply slide in and stay “hoisted”?
It is good that you recognise your need for pleasures.
There is nothing wrong about wanting love or wanting sex, or wanting a type of sex or wanting more sex with another partner. We could have these deep conversations with our primary partners without making our partners feel ashamed about themselves or their bodies.
It is for the couple to decide what shape they wish to give their relationship – monogamous or polyamourous. It is two people in this relationship and both should consent to the shape the relationship is taking. Ensure that it is a discussion and not a decision that is thrust on him.
If you love, you will discuss. If you love, you will understand the rules. If you love, you would not hurt other partners by making them feel like temporary props in the bargain of keeping your flame alive with your primary partner.
I am not someone who would shame you for having desires or for acting on them. I would just tell you that even the most complex of things can be solved with kindness and empathy.
P.S. Don’t hesitate. Speak to a sexologist, maybe?
My Boyfriend Doesn’t Go Down On Me
My partner and I share a wonderful chemistry but it stops at one point. I want my boyfriend to go down on me. I mean, I’d love my boyfriend to perform cunnilingus on me. He thinks it’s dirty and unhygenic.
When I insisted, he made the point that he doesn’t and will not force me to go down on him anytime, even though, he also enjoys it. He kinda had a point… but how do I convince him? I am glad that I never ever want to emotionally blackmail him or force him.
Dear Miss Clueless,
Thank you for writing in. I am glad that you both have a wonderful chemistry and I find it amazing that you both have conversations about your likes and dislikes.
Decent people are not supposed to force other people. Forcing people to have oral sex is rape. Neither of you should set your bars so low that you start giving a certificate of decency because your partner wasn’t a rapist.
Your partner is his own person. You can only talk to him about your collective desires and find ways of fulfilling them. There are ways of having oral sex in better degrees of safety and hygiene. Do google up and share with your partner.
In the end, if your partner doesn’t want to go down on you, he is well within his right to refuse. It’s his body, and he can make his rules for them.
Again, don’t hand yourself the certificate of kindness, just because you didn’t emotionally blackmail him or force him. You are not a rapist, and that hardly is any reason to celebrate.
Do treat this with kindness. And irrespective of whether you experience the pleasure of oral sex, your love will prevail.
P.S. Let love win.
Am I a Top or a Bottom?
I am a 19 year old gay virgin. Since I am not engaging in sex or even in something that leads to sex, I am unaware about whether I am Top or bottom or versatile. I just have this strong urge to find out myself, but also find it very difficult to understand myself. Even on Grindr I see so much of pressure of confirming. How can I know this?
A Lost Gay
Dear Lost Gay,
Thank you for writing in.
You could be “top”, “bottom”, “versatile”, or even a “side” who doesn’t prefer penetrative sex; or you could also be “asexual” or a combination of all of these at different times. The truth is that you don’t have to box yourself in these small boxes.
You don’t have to hurry up with anything. You don’t have to define anything.
Let me share something personal. When I was younger, I also used to put myself in one of these boxes to confirm to the masses. I also used to share imaginary sex stories so that I could fit in. But when I started having sex I realised that I am not any one of these, but that my feelings have no boxes or brackets.
Give it time. Truth will blossom. There will be fruits that you can taste and that taste will be unique.
P.S. Don’t confine yourself by confirming yourself to one of the “types”.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)