In queer parlance, “coming out” means acceptance of who one really is in terms of gender identity or/ and sexuality. Every LGBTIQ person has a coming out story. The fact that they identify as LGBTIQ stands testimony to the fact that they had once accepted that they are different from heterosexuals. They may or may not have come out to the world at large, or even to their folks, but just the fact that they accept who they are, means that they have come out to themselves.
Coming out is a journey, it is not a destination. Coming out is a choice. If one anticipates challenges in people accepting, it would be wise to plan your coming out so as to ensure that people you come out to are not shocked and stunned and are able to gulp it if not relish your coming out.
When we speak specifically about coming out to parents, let me share that there have been several cases where people have just come out and their parents have accepted them without any drama or melodrama, let me focus on people who anticipate non-acceptance from their parents.
Here is a helpful (teenager’s) guide to coming out:
FAQs on “Coming Out”
Q. When Is The Best Time To Come Out?
Well, there is no specific “best” time and date or any shubh mahurat. However, I would suggest that you come out only after you stand on your two feet and are emotionally, financially stable. I am not trying to hint that your parents may throw you out, but what I am trying to say is that even if they are unwelcoming you will be independent enough to move out and start your own life on your own terms.
Also, being independent, gives your parents the hope that you will be able to deal with the challenges that come with belonging to the LGBT community.
Newspapers and the web is filled with people who discriminate and refuse jobs to LGBTIQ people. If you have a job, it only helps strengthening your case.
Q. How Do I Get My Parents to Understand Gender and Sexuality?
Learn about your parents’ interests. Do they like mythology? Do they love movies? Do they read books? Maybe it would help to get them acquainted with LGBTIQ issues through their interested medium.
Get educated yourself. Find out ways in which you could bring forth topics around gender and sexuality in normal day-to-day conversations, in a matter of fact manner. Don’t rebuke them harshly if they say something homo/bi/trans phobic. Give them time.
Q. I Tried the Above. Been a Year They Still Don’t Understand.
It takes LGBT persons 4, 5, 10 and sometimes 20 years to come out to themselves and then the world. However, they expect immediate positive responses from their parents.
We need to be our parent’s parent. We need to be patient. We need to acknowledge that for them to learn about LGBTIQ they would have to unlearn the homophobia and transphobia that has been taught to them over generations.
Sometimes, they will have to welcome another thought, without knowing that it existed in our world. Give them time.
Q. My Parents Have Stopped Talking To Me. They Have Suddenly Gone Silent.
When children come out of the closet, some parents get into one. Especially in the Indian context. They are suddenly faced with the elephantine question of “when will your child get married” by nosey relatives and well-wishing friends. There is an initial hesitance in uttering the LGBTIQ word. Give them time. And understand that it is okay even if they don’t say “aa gale lag jaa” or anything like that.
To accept or not accept is their choice. Give them that space.
Q. What If My Parents Stop Talking To Me And Throw Me Out Of The House?
That’s why I said, if you are certain of a negative reaction, come out only after you have a job, and your own roof over your head. Parents come in different shapes, sizes and temperaments. There is no one-reaction-fits-all.
Q. Is It Necessary To Come Out? Why Come Out When We Think There Will Be Drama?
Coming out to yourself is far more important than coming out to anyone. Take it on a case-to-case basis.
There is no compulsion or any rule that everyone should come out. I am not the ones to take the case study of majority of people and make it a rule. It is seen that people who come out to their immediate loved ones suddenly feel charged and free. But if you anticipate the negative, it is okay if you don’t rock the boat.
Q. My Parents’ Reaction Is Positive. And That’s Not So Much A Good Thing. They Are Too Nosey. Want To Know Everything.
I know, I know that feeling. Parents sometimes are over accepting and want to know about your love life and sex life, and more importantly “how you do it”. Well, I would not mind explaining to my parents.
But sometimes it is okay to tell them that it is your private life and you would love to keep it that way.
Don’t shout or scream, just remember politeness helps.
So, on that note. Happy ‘Coming Out’ Day!
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals. ‘Rainbow Man’ is Harish’s regular blog for The Quint)
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