Sexolve 54: ‘I Have a Past That Bothers Me’

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Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

I Have a Very Small Penis

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a very small penis. It is just about four feet before blooming. I am ashamed of myself in class. I think I will not be able to satisfy my girlfriend or wife due to which I avoid getting into relationships. Though, I should add that I am very good looking and known to you. Please advise.

Small Problem, Mumbai

Dear Small Problem,

I am sure you mean “four inches when flaccid”. Four feet is even bigger than the penis of a giraffe or an elephant. Four inches is not “very small”. For satisfying someone and yourself, sometimes you need much more than just a long penis. I know of men who have big penises but don’t know what to do with such an anaconda hanging on to them, just as literally as metaphorically. The size you mentioned is not inadequate to pleasure someone.

Sex is a mixture of many things – a good kiss, a longish foreplay, a squeaky moan, the aroma that envelopes the room, the laughter, the kinks, the underwears and what else and what not. It is not just “a new bang theory”.

Sex is a lot of love and effort. Please don’t minimize it to just an exercise of putting a golf ball in the hole. (And this golf ball is not “too small” here anyway). Rise above your penis. Rise above your penis complexes.

Your size does not matter as much as the size of your heart does. The heart that wants to make love and not merely have sex.

Smiles

RainbowMan

I Have a Past That Bothers Me

Dear RainbowMan,

I was in an intense relationship about four years back. The relation was for a short span of time. But we were physically close. I know virginity is not an issue these days. But I don't know if my future husband would accept me with all my flaws. On top of it I had to perform a pregnancy test at a clinic about which no one knows. The reports were negative but I was emotionally shattered. I don't feel any connection towards any man since then. In fact I am scared of relationship now. Please help.

One Bitten Twice Shy

Dear Once Bitten Twice Shy,

Firstly, let me thank you for trusting in me and sharing this very important part of your life with me. They say “ it is good to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all”. So, while you are upset that you trusted the wrong person with your love, I would refer to you as someone who has been lucky to have found someone to trust so deeply. You are capable of love, you are capable of being loved too. And that’s a good thing. Never ever let anyone tell you that you are not worthy of loving or being loved.

Your sexual relationship was a result of your love. You shouldn’t hate yourself for that.

I know that virginity is seen as the most supreme form of purity. But I can tell you of many men who wouldn’t give a flying fig about losing their virginity. I don’t see a reason why it should be different for women. For ages, women have been shamed because of the fact that they have a hymen that is assumed to be only capable of being broken during sex. It is untrue. The hymen could break due to many reasons other than sex.

That said, I hope you understand that sex or making love is just a part of our lives. It would be nice if we just treat it as that and don’t add too much importance and values of purity and sacredness to it.

It may feel like divine bliss, but it is in the end just a bodily need and sometimes an exercise that is directed by hormones and a racing heart.

You are not impure. You are not imperfect. You are not dirty. Love yourself a little more. Look at yourself in the mirror with clothes. Look at your naked self in the mirror too and love everything that you see. Love yourself some more. Loving others can wait. Just love yourself, and believe me, when you love every millimetre of your body, your skin and aura – the world would love you too.

Love you,

RainbowMan

I Gave a Blowjob to My Brother-In-Law

Dear RainbowMan,

I am the youngest of three siblings. My eldest sister got married last year to the man of her dreams who is a couple of years younger than her, i.e. of my age. My sister’s husband and I were in the same college and I had a huge crush on him. However, it turned out that my sister and he were having sex on and off so I didn’t pursue my dreams with him. However, just a week back I was at my sister’s place. My sister was away at work. He was in the bath and I was busy on Facebook in my laptop. I was wearing shorts. My brother-in-law came out of the bathroom and to the room I was in, in a towel. He looked absolutely sexy but I tried to hide my excitement as I thought I would not be doing the right thing by lusting over my brother-in-law. I decided to go to the kitchen and allow him to change his clothes in privacy. Sadly, I had a huge hard on and that gave away the secret to my bro-in-law. He smiled and said to me, “so you are excited to see me”. I ignored him, smiled and went to the hall, plugged my laptop and got going with whatever I was doing online. Within a few seconds, my bro-in-law came to the front room and started wearing his underwear close to me. He caught my excitement again, and purposely started looking at something in a shelf above the place I was sitting. His crotch hit my face when he was doing that. I couldn’t stop myself this time. I removed his underwear and started giving him a blow job. He also started having oral sex with me. It was one of the best sex I have ever had. However, within moments guilt enveloped me. I started feeling that I have spoilt my sister’s life. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel suicidal at times. What should I do? Should I tell my sister? How could I have done what I did?

Guilty heart, New Bombay

Dear Guilty heart,

Be guilty no more. What you did at the moment was at the spur of the moment. You can’t feel guilty forever for that. You did not force him, he did not force you. You guys did what you guys did with each other’s consent at that moment.

Sometimes it helps not gauging everything in the scale of moral-right and moral-wrong. There is something in between. Build a case for yourself there - in the in-between. Where you give in to moments momentarily and at that moment of orgasmic wonder, you lose track of everything that defines you and the person who is your object of desire. Stop feeling guilty. You were just human.

Coming to your sister. I cannot predict how she would feel. Not everyone could take something like this positively and give it in for a one-time thing. I would suggest that you speak to your bro-in-law and seek his inputs on how to deal with this. Be aware that your sister might not take this too coolly. She has been cheated on. It is not a happy feeling. It is not about you alone. It is about him and it is about her. Let her decide what she wants to do with her life. Be prepared for all possibilities.

Whatever it may be, please don’t hate yourself. No one should hate themselves for giving in to consensual moments of love.

Please get yourself the help of a psychologist. If it bothers you too much, you may wish to seek professional advice and possibly your bro-in-law and sister may also need one if this news is broken to them.

I hope you don’t take my suggestion to visit the psychologist in a bad way. Just as we visit doctors for a health ailment, we visit psychologists for getting cured of emotional pains.

smiles

RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)