Sexolve 59: ‘I Feel Suicidal at Times’

Equal rights activist, Harish Iyer answers questions on love, sex and relationships. 

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Don’t think that being depressed for a day and actually having depression are the same thing. 
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Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Husband Beats Me Sometimes, but He Is a Nice Man’


Photo: (iStock)
Photo: (iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,
My husband and I are both working. We are well settled. My husband beats me when I don’t cook his kind of food in a nice way or don’t do things he wants me to do in the bed while we are at it. It is just one of those moods that he gets into three four times in a month. I get very angry with him for that… but in all other times, he is a good man. He loves our children as a doting dad and buys me gifts but sometimes his other side bothers me much. I love him but sometimes I don’t know what to do with his drama. Please suggest?

Khwaish
Delhi

Dear Khwaish,

Love is something that could waver, but respect has got to be continuous and unwavering, not just for our partners, but idealistically – towards the whole of the living world. I really appreciate the fact that you love him so much that you are willing to overlook at what he does when he is in ‘one of those moods’. However, I wish that you stop compensating his bad behavior with the good times.

Respect is a two way street. If he is with you, he needs to obey the basic rule that he cannot behave with you in a disrespectful manner.

Quarrels are fine, but no use of hand or overtly disrespectful language should be tolerated. He will love you more, if he respects you more. There is no love where disrespect breeds. Absolutely no love.

Love,
RainbowMan

‘I Feel Suicidal at Times’


Don’t ignore your mental health. 
Don’t ignore your mental health. 
(Photo: The Quint/Susnata Paul)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a perfect loser. I have lost everything in life. I have lost my mother a year ago. I lost my boyfriend. I lost my job. I lost everything. Every damn thing in life. I am a bane. I feel horrible. I hate to make friends. I think my life would influence them and their lives would be worse too. I am a homosexual who cannot stand for himself. I cannot dare to put my name in this email. I am a loser. I opened up to my mother when she was battling cancer. I knew she would die. I think I was responsible for that cancer. I believe that I am the cancer. I killed my mother. My birth is a curse. I want to die one moment. The other, I want to live. I don’t know what I want to do. Actually. I am going mad. Or I am just high. Never done drugs, but I am high. Help me Harish.

High On Life Mumbai

Dear High On Life, I need to tell you something good. So, the unapologetic narcissist that I am, I will tell you about myself. I love life. I love the uncertainties, the predictabilities, the abilities, the disabilities, the challenges, the opportunities, the loneliness, the friendliness, my pain, my joys – I love everything in my life. You know, I was not born an optimist. I was raped, didn’t have a family to support me then, I felt the loneliness would kill me. I sought one pair of years to listen to me, and a heart to understand me and I failed at finding that one person. I went through the suicide road. But I survived that, and saw the road ahead too. Today, I live everything that I thought I will never be able to experience. All the things that drove me to the path of helplessness, today, are my greatest trigger to do good.

In writing this response to you, I didn’t just want to bask in the glory of my bloated ego, I wanted to tell you, that the dead ends that we see in your life, are merely a pretence to challenge you to go further and become what you truly want your happy self to become.

Come on, you are not a bane. Don’t be so insane on yourself. Sometimes, we have a series of challenging times coming all at once…. But sometimes you also have a series of good news. So don’t call yourself a bad omen. Don’t associate everything negative with yourself. Look daily at the mirror. Sometimes, strip yourself to nothing, and tell yourself that you love the person you see. It may sound stupid when I say this, but you truly are beautiful when you are beautiful in your own eyes.

And you will find a new boyfriend. You sure damn will. Loving is a innate skill, but you gotto love youself more before someone else loves you. When you find a boyfriend, maybe, you could set out to fix one for me too. I desperately need a boyfriend sometimes. Last I heard they don’t make “my kind of boyfriends” anymore. lol

And yaah, I am willing to listen to you. To hold your hand and to walk along with you. Do hit me on, on facebook – fb.com/harishiyer. I would highly recommend that you get in touch with the Humsafar Trust, www.humsafar.org and seek help from a professional. 3 months back, even I had visited them for counseling and it was helpful.

And yes, keep the faith. And keep in touch.

Love,
RainbowMan

‘Will My Penis Grow If I Masturbate?’


Representational image. 
Representational image. 
(Photo: The Quint)

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a very small penis. I want it to grow. I pull it every day to ensure that it becomes big. However it doesn’t become big. Does masturbation make the penis big or does it grow small when it becomes flaccid? How do I make my penis big?

I guess you mean – LONG when you say BIG? Well, I am not qualified to answer this. So don’t take my response seriously. To the best of my knowledge the penis does become erect and longer when you masturbate, I am unaware of its size in flaccid and an erect state increasing because of this. I suggest that you visit a sexologist (Skin/ Sex/ VD specialist)

Good luck with your big dreams.

Smiles
RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions tosexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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