A Happy Threesome: Me, Wifey, and the State

“For the State’s sake, don’t link my bedroom rituals to my Aadhaar card. I don’t have one,” notes Shailender Dhawan.

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The AYUSH Ministry believes in not eating meat and avoiding sex after conception.(Photo: Rhythum Seth/<b>The Quint</b>)
A Happy Threesome: Me, Wifey, and the State

Can the top BJP leaders drop everything, especially the political peccadilloes of Rahul Gandhi, and discuss a matter of seminal importance with me – tell me whether the State approves of the 'missionary' position or not?

Also, if it does, will the 'missionary' position be construed as an overt or covert attempt on my part to “convert” my partner – a sanskari and shakahari Hindu? The last thing I want is to get on the wrong side of the Hindutva.

My Dear Bunny Has the Blessings of the RSS

In this regard, I will appreciate an early reply from the Ministry of AYUSH as my “dear bunny” insists on a slightly unorthodox manoeuvre in bed, which requires me to virtually tie myself in knots.

It essentially involves crossing my left thigh over the right, hooking the top of my left foot behind the right one and placing my locked hands in front of me, even as I am expected to gaze at the picture of C Rajagopalachari, the last Governor-General, on the wall. I think you get the drift.

Of course, at some point other parts of the anatomy also come into play but I won’t bore you with technicalities. Incidentally, in all this, I believe “my bunny” has been inspired by the good work of the ministry and possibly even has the blessings of the RSS.

Climbing the Spiritual Ladder

While I am trying to wriggle out of my Gordian knot, she insists on reading out from the ministry's newsletter, explaining how these tutorials will help me connect better with my wrinkled soul, and climb the spiritual ladder. I honestly don't mind any amount of spiritual after-play but do wish the State would give some thought to my crumpled physical self, too.

Since yesterday, my “dear bunny” has been rather excited about the reverse lotus position that the ministry has recommended; the circular also insists I must pay greater attention to foreplay, which essentially means giving the mandatory 20 salutes before the deed is done.

I am no killjoy and will gladly salute any number of times, the only stipulation being that the flag should not be flying at half mast, except that in my awkward and cramped position – virtually hovering in mid air – I am barely able to watch Liverpool take on Barcelona!

How to Become a Hun and Graduate to the Balcony

Another problem is that, these days we don't exactly hit the mattress when frisky but rather make a beeline for the library first. My bunny insists on fishing out a book on itihaas, giving me a lesson on how the Scythians, Huns and Kushans did it, that is, just before their assimilation into Hindu society.

No, don't ask me what these Huns and Kushans had to do with Hinduism, I'll find out in due course. These are the early days of my internship and I am still on the threshold of becoming a petty Hun. I'll qualify when I can attempt a one-night-stand without falling off the balcony.

See, I am all for creating this new exciting paradigm in my relationship with the State and am personally grateful to it for taking such a keen interest in a matter between two consenting adults.

Appreciation for the State’s Interest in Our Libidos

I'd also like to put on record my appreciation of the Modi government, which has taken a break from the Kashmir insurgency and found the time to get under our sheets and help us with our libidos. I also understand that in these slippery times of surging hormones, the nation is at the intersection of sexual resurgence and enlightened Hindutva. And the last thing I want is to keep the nation waiting at that juncture.

But, for the State’s sake, please avoid putting these pyrotechnics into my wife’s head. The racket I make already has the neighbours wondering whether I am preparing for the sex Olympiad – I explained that I was warming up for World Yoga Day but I doubt they bought that. Sometimes I wish my little bunny wouldn’t take the Modi government's man to man baat too seriously.

Address Real Issues Maybe?

During these intervals, I also wish the State would stop pondering over the sex lives of its citizens and seriously address the issue of sexually transmitted infections, the increasing incidence of teen pregnancies, the problem of heightened libido in a young nation, imparting sex education and the like.

Nonetheless, I am glad that the AYUSH ministry is looking at such things as sexual fantasy (read: lustful thoughts), aphrodisiacs (read: eating the right kind of food) and role play (read: hanging beautiful pictures on the bedroom wall). Though I am not too sure about reading history books, being a Hun in the bed or in the balcony (which I hope to graduate to one day), is going to be no cake walk.

As I conclude, I must underscore that as a right-minded citizen – no pun intended – I pay my taxes, do my laundry, read the circulars of the AYUSH ministry religiously, and fully subscribe to the notion of a happy threesome: me, wifey, and the State. But please, for the State's sake, don't link my bedroom rituals to my Aadhaar card. I don't have one!

(The writer is former editor, Mumbai Free Press Journal. The views expressed above are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for the same.)


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