Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.
Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
“I Was Abused By My Cousin Sister and Her Friend”
Dear RainbowMan,
I saw that you were a part of a conference that spoke about the role of men in preventing sexual abuse of women. Why are men treated as perpetuators always? Aren’t there women perpetuators? You call yourself a feminist. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself.
Let me share something. I have been abused by my cousin sister and her friend who are over 10 years older than me. I was just 10 when my cousin sister and her friend tried to “play” doctor doctor with me. My sister forcefully had sex with me. While her friend watched and clicked pictures. Then her friend did the same with me. I told one of my friends, and he said “I would love to get raped like that”. I was scared and I didn’t enjoy that.
What do you have to say to that.
Bheem, Mumbai
Shaant gadhadhari Bheem. Shaant!
You know, women are human too. They are not all sacrosanct and pious. In fact that’s dehumanising women. Yes, women commit crimes. And I stand against them, as much as I stand for them. Or rather, let me put it this way, I stand for or against people, not genders. I understand you. I understand what you are going through and what you have gone through. I have been there too. Albeit, in my case, it was a man, I understand your anger. No child deserves to be raped. No child deserves to be told “you should enjoy it”. It is sad that boys who speak about rape by women they are shouted down or made fun of or are outright insulted. Child sexual abuse is a crime without a gender. Even if we speak of equations of power, older children/adults abuse boys. While in most cases that come to light have men as abusers, the fact that women as abusers are not spoken about , doesn’t make that untrue. In fact you will be pleased to know that the law that protects children from sexual offences is indeed gender neutral. You should refer to this, it recognises that the perpetuator could be a woman. In the case of POCSO, age of the child makes the child more vulnerable to abuse by older boys, girls, men, women and other genders.
I want you to know that I trust you and I completely feel that you should speak up to a counsellor. It was not your fault. Also remember, not all the women in the planet committed that crime on you. Not all women are bad. Just as, after Nirbhaya, I was telling people, that not all men are rapists.
Love,
RainbowMan
“I Have Big Breasts, I Am Fed Up Of Being Teased”
Dear RainbowMan,
I have big breasts. All my childhood, since college, I was called Booby Aunty. I have grown up with great complex about my body. Now I am a working professional. My colleagues tease me for my breast size. Not just male colleagues, female colleagues as well. I am fed up. I feel like getting rid of my breasts. I feel very conscious to walk on the street. I feel very difficult to go to work. I am even very scared to bring it up to the management. Maybe they would just tell me to not blow up a trivial issue. My mother has always told me to not bother about it much and deal with it. I am fed up.
Regards,
Booby Aunty.
Listen Darling. Thank
god for your breasts. That’s what civilisation and life suckles on. Breasts are
the best piece of nature’s architecture, and you have been fucking blessed with
them. Don’t hate your breasts. Love them. There is nothing that is “perfect
size”. Let not people define you by your bra size. Nobody. Just nobody should
be allowed to do that with your body... well, you cant stop anyone from
body shaming you, but you can choose how you react to it. Amazing people who are
a little different than the lot, often have to brave nasty comments. You are
different. You are more blessed. Life will not be very kind to you. But be kind
to your life. Don’t be defeated by your body, be empowered by it. Stand topless
in front of the mirror and tell your breasts that they are yours and you love
them. (However crazy that this may sound).
I understand curiosity, but if people are outright abusive and subject you to molestation, make use of the law. India has a number of laws that protect women. Especially at work place. So bring it up with your authorities. As per the sexual harassment of women at the workplace (prevention and redressal) Act 2013, all organisations employing more than 9 employees are mandatorily required to have a company policy against sexual harassment and also have a committee. Men and women, regardless of gender have behaved like a bitch with you. Now it is time that you turn into a lioness and have a nice cat fight, I mean legally. Complain to the authorities. Do write back if your complaints fall to deaf ears.
But remember, even before you take the world to task, you need to take your emotions to task. You need to love yourself. I am not against plastic surgery. Just that there is no self confidence that magically appears after going under the knife. So just as queer people have reclaimed the word queer, I would say - of course you are booby aunty, and you should be damn proud of it.
Sometimes, abusive language are
compliments in disguise.
Hugs,
RainbowMan
“What’s a Good Time to Have Sex?”
Hi Rainbowman,
Can you tell me what is a good time to have sex. People say that having sex in the morning when you have wood increases chances of pregnancy. Especially if I have not had a wet dream, is that true?
Hardy Boy, Chennai
Dear Hardy Boy,
When you come, you most often have a hard on. And as far as I know, men can have an orgasm anytime of the day. I believe, there is no shubh mahurat, raahu kaal, yamakanndakaal or anything like that for having sex. I don’t think, just because you didn’t end up losing your sperms to a night fall or masturbation, you have become more fertile. You just need one sperm to impregnate, and in every ejaculation you get more than a million. That said, I am not a sexologist. You need to speak to a sexologist for your fertility challenges. Do fix up an appointment soon.
Love,
Rainbowman
(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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