My Thumbs Move Even Without a Phone In Hand: Worried Millennial

To glue oneself to a phone or not glue oneself to a phone, that is the question. And the answer is – don’t do it!

The following questions are being disclosed in this advice column in the interest of future generations. All identities have been kept anonymous on special request. We hope this urges you to keep your phones close, but your friends closer.

I am a 19-year-old girl from Mumbai. I woke up with a start in the dead of the night yesterday. I don’t exactly know what woke me up, but I was horrified to find my thumb moving up and down uncontrollably. On its own. At first, I didn’t think much of it. This has happened before. All I had to do was get hold of my phone and start scrolling up and down. Boom. The world felt safe again. But yesterday was different. I woke up to this ghostly sight and couldn’t go back to sleep again. I can’t sleep at night anymore. Please suggest a way to help me through this!

Hi 19-year-old. You’ve crossed over to the dark side, and it might be too late for you. But if you’re adamant and your fingers really won’t stop moving, you can try sleeping with a soft pet that needs love and care to keep your digits occupied. But most importantly, keep the phone locked in the neighbour’s house.

I am a 23-year-old girl from Delhi. I’ve been hooked on Tinder since my last breakup. It saw me through my darkest times. I make it a point to stand up for Tinder every time an old-school puritan tries to come between us. But something happened recently that is making me think again. I was on a Tinder date with a boy who seemed quite lovely until he started talking about gymnasiums and early-risers. This managed to completely put me off. Usually, on dates as boring as these, I am quite used to the drill. I dredge up a believable excuse and bail on him within minutes. But this time, to my horror, I found my fingers swiping to the left. Before I knew it, my fingers were brushing across his face (to the left, mind you) like it was no big deal. At first, he seemed quite pleased with the gesture. He mistook it for affection. But I guess my face gave it away. He told me later that my eyes were glassy and I was looking right through him, perhaps thinking of the weather or next day’s breakfast.That was my first and last date with him. What should I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again? Help!

Hi, you can try Complan for adults. We’ve heard it helps boost your attention span. Alternatively, you can read about goldfishes. How do they date... errm... mate? They have attention spans lower than 9 seconds, maybe their romantic behaviour will give you some tips.

I am a 17-year-old boy from Kolkata. I don’t know how to make eye contact. The very thought of looking someone in the eye sends chills down my spine. I misplaced my phone yesterday and had to do without it the entire day. I didn’t know what to look at...in the elevator, in the office, or at home. I am comfortable on Skype or WhatsApp, but when it comes to looking one in the eye, in person, mine start shifting from one corner to the other while I shift my weight from one foot to another and perspire profusely. Please tell me what to do?

Hey there, there is always the kaala chashma when you are outdoors, but when indoors, you can lock yourself up in your room and use the peephole for simulated eye-contact. Of course, you will lose all friends and gradually all tan lines too (if any), but if these friends are all online ones, you’ve got nothing to worry about!

I am a young entrepreneur from Bangalore. My latest venture seeks to widen the range of emojis on social media. I have a dedicated team that is working on adding a new ‘’reaction’’ regularly to the ones already available. I live, breathe and smell emojis. Sadly, no investor has agreed to help me out. I have been pitching my ideas for six years now. Every setback is bogging me down further. My dream project is to come up with a set of emojis that will serve as ‘reactions’ to existing emojis. What should I do to keep myself inspired? Please advise.

Hey young entrepreneur, NO ONE needs reactions to ‘reactions’. We’ve had enough.

I am a 25-year-old from Goa. Something has been plaguing me lately. Every time I finish watching a TV series online, I lapse into severe lifelessness. I feel limp and lethargic for days on end till I find a new show to binge on. In the interim, I get snappy, I start stuffing myself like a turkey, and worst of all, I tend to scrub the ceiling fan clean again and again because I spend hours staring at the ceiling and end up spotting the faintest dust streaks. My family’s said that they’ve had enough of this and won’t take it anymore. What should I do? I can’t give up on Netflix and every show must end at some point. Please help me out.

Hello, the solution is very simple. Pick up a book and start reading. Within 5 seconds, you will feel distracted. Even sleepy. Keep some coffee and Rakhi Sawant’s Instagram profile ready. It is vibrant, noisy and full of life...to say the least. Not only will she shake you out of your stupor, but also make you want to dive into the book you picked up. After you’re done with two sips of coffee and a 5-second perusal of Sawant’s activities, get back to your book. Repeat until the overpowering urge to look for new TV shows dies down.

If you think this is all fun and games, stop! And consider. The above mentioned problems are real ones. Well... exaggerated versions of real ones. But we need serious antidotes. You know something is amiss when youngsters across the nation are glued to their screens like white on rice. We can’t survive without our screens anymore. We feel incomplete without a gadget in hand. We have stopped talking to each other. Hell, we’ve even stopped texting each other. Emojis are replacing texts. Snap out of it before it’s too late!