This Is ‘Udder’ Bullsh**, We Don’t Need a Unique ID Number: Cows

What do they think we are, cattle class?

Updated
NEON
3 min read
My cow-llegues and I loved the attention. (Photo: Rahul Gupta/ <b>The Quint</b>)

Dear Dairy,

I know it’s been a while since I last chatted with you. You know what else has been a while? My daily workout sessions. It’s been months since I did my regular walk at sector 18 Noida or visited my favourite garbage dump at Lajpat Nagar (I miss those momos). I don’t even remember the last time I sat in the middle of the road with my buddies at Ashok Vihar and b*tched about humans.

Life changed for good. You know… All of a sudden we made headlines in all the leading media houses. We were no longer just cows, but we’d been accorded with the desi Z-plus VIP security, the gau rakshaks. Even man’s best friends – dogs – were jealous of our newly elevated stature. But hay, we weren’t complaining.

My cow-leagues and I loved the attention. Paparazzi everywhere, “pasturing” us for interviews. We were over the moon!

Until now…

Today, I was peacefully soaking the sun at Dilshad Garden and getting fed by devotees. Yes, that’s one of the reasons why I’ve stopped going for walks, ’cuz the food just comes to me now.

Anyhoo, a grass-hole buffalo gave me the worst news. He spat out today’s front page, which in bold letters stated, ‘Centre in its report to Supreme court says ‘each cow and its progeny across India should get a Unique Identification Number for tracking’’. The move is to prevent cow trafficking.

(Gif Courtesy: <a href="https://giphy.com/gifs/field-cow-crying-over-spilled-milk-l0NwuAw8k73SNcBdm/download">giphy</a>)
(Gif Courtesy: giphy)

“No whey”, I fumed. I immediately called for a gau sammelan and spoke to my cowmates about this “udder” nonsense move by the government. A gaudhaar – an Aadhaar-like ID – for us. What do they think we are, cattle class? Have the netas forgotten that we are THE gau mata and not some ordinary citizens who would be given Unique Identification (UID) numbers?

They’ve got their priorities wrong. Instead of giving us some middle-class ID number, what they should have actually given us is a passport. So that for better fodder, we could have at least travelled abroad.

I hope the government realises we are not a-moo-sed by this. What about our privacy? Vaise, they’ve beefed up our security but with the UID, all our personal details are out in the open ­– age, breed, sex, height, body colour, horn type, tail switch and special marks. And in the case of milch cattle, it will also have the lactation profile.

You know dairy, I think they are scared of us because we have gathered great moo-mentum as a species. So now, they’re applying the British Raj formula of divide and rule. How else would you explain the move? But they should know, we’re no cow-ards. We will lock horns with them if need be.

The time has come for the netas to listen to us and roll back the suggestion because the steaks are high for them, as we know what they did last summer. They better not try to milk us!

Chalo dairy, I think I need a cowfee latté to de-stress.

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