Sexolve 11: “My Friend Was Abused as a Child, How Can I Help Her?”

All your questions about sex, sexuality, relationships answered here

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint. It is also a part The Quint’s #MakeOutInIndia campaign, which is an effort to bring all taboo topics on sexuality out there – no beeping out, no brushing under, no cliches of the ‘land of Kama Sutra and Khajuraho’. Just an open celebration of all matters of sex.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.

Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a little embarrassed to ask anyone, but internet allows me the right to anonymity, so here’s my question. My boyfriend of 5 years is suffering from Piles. I am used to rimming him. Is it okay that I rim him when he has piles? Or should I wait for him to be cured?

BackBay, Bombay

Dear BackBay,

Thank you for sharing your personal issue with me. I do not know your gender, but what I am going to advice you is irrespective of that. While it may seem funny for some, this is a practical issue. I would suggest that you abstain from rimming or any other activity involving your partner’s anus. Even entering anything inside his anus could be painful for him. I know sometimes, pain is pleasure, but not when there is a medical condition involved. You are his partner, understand him. Take him to a good doctor and get him cured. Until then, you could try mutual masturbation or other things that do not involve the anus. I add this caveat always – I am not a professional doctor, do visit a professional doctor for sound advice.

Love,
Rainbowman

P.S. Take care.

Hi Rainbow Man,

I have a Friend who was abused as a child, and I really want to help her. How do I respectfully do that? How do I let her know that it’s ok to talk to me whenever she wants to and for as long as she wants to?
We’re very close friends and we talk about everything, but naturally, she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about the abuse. She wants to but she doesn’t know how to.
Is it important for her to talk? If so, why?

Thank you,
A friend of the Friend

Dear The Good Friend,

Sometimes the best thing one can do for a friend is to be a good listener. You would need to establish that camaraderie with her before you broach the topic of her abuse.  While I understand that you are eager to help her, and it is a damn good thing that she has such a good friend in you, you should let her decide when and if she wants to tell you. When I speak to survivors, I speak about my own story of abuse, most often other survivors see a striking resonance with my story and they narrate their story too. Nothing binds people better than the familiarity with pain.

It is important for your friend to talk because something that is buried deep in your heart, has its tendency to stick its ugly neck out and trouble you. It is important that we address issues and challenges rather than letting it lie and rot in our body, unaddressed.

I am glad that you want her to open up. If you are unable to reach out to her in this aspect. I would suggest that you get a professional psychologist involved. Professionals know how to help. They know the right techniques.

Regards,
Rainbowman

Hi,

I am an 18-year-old boy. I met my old school crush. We had made out when we both were 14 or so. He is gay. I was just experimenting. I don’t like him that way anymore. I identify as straight. He wanted to make out with me. What do I do?

Straight to the point
Chennai

Dear Straight,

It is good that you both know what your sexuality is. I have seen many people who are confused at this age. Well, coming straight to the point, I would like to tell you that it is common for boys and girls to “experiment” or even “explore” in their childhoods. It may or may not be your sexuality. In your case, since you clearly identify as straight, the best thing you can do is to have a one on one conversation with your friend in person. Tell him that you identify as straight and you would not want to have any sexual relationship with him. Also don’t judge him for being gay. Just deny respectfully.

Regards,
Rainbowman

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)