More often than not, in a relationship, we are our own obstacles. Unknowingly, we stop our own progress – and sometimes we do that by remaining in relationships which have simply crossed their expiration date. If it was once “a beautiful thing”, isn’t it better to part ways (after trying of course) when things are still in a decent place rather than trying to pull it off so much that eventually the elastic just gives?
When do you know that the sun has set on your relationship?
Here are 3 things to watch out for:
1. You Feel Like You Need to Dim Your Shine For Them
The number one rule we often forget about love and relationships is that when it’s a good one, we’ll never really have to change who we are.
Our patriarchy-loving society can often make it seem like the norm for women to hold back their tongues, put a leash on their thoughts; but the whole point of being with that one person is to be loved for who you are.
If you’re increasingly feeling suffocated in your relationship or are feeling that you are having to behave in ways that feel non-authentic to you, then it’s a huge sign that this relationship is not a good one for you. (Keep in mind, though, that little compromises are different from changing who you are.)
In the beginning, relationships can be light, but as love grows, couples begin to deepen their communication and begin to share their authentic selves, their vulnerabilities and flaws.
Are you unable to go beyond the superficial? Are you unable to share sides of your personality that don’t show you in a good light? Do you feel like you’re continuously resorting to using non-threatening words and behaviours in order to keep your partner happy? Then, this might be a huge red cross you need to watch out for.
2. You Don’t Want the Same Things
Sometimes, in a new relationship, we tend to overlook a lot of things in the hope that love and time will resolve the issue.
Sometimes they do. But other times, people find that ultimately they cannot live with certain habits or life choices of their partners. In the course of my sessions, I counselled a couple with such an issue –
Radhika*, 27, was sure that kids would have no place in her life today or tomorrow. Although this was known to Rohit*, 30, he thought – as many people do – that time would change that. As the relationship grew older and Rohit saw that Radhika’s desire hadn’t changed, he became increasingly frustrated with their relationship. Although, this rage stemmed from their difference of wants, it permeated every aspect of their life till they could barely co-exist without ugly words.
Some of the most common, mutually exclusive needs are – differences in handling finances, need for stability, children, handling finances and sexual appetites.
Sometimes these differences can be sorted out with understanding and respectful dialogue but the frustration it may cause cannot really be anticipated.
If you feel like you’re in a similar situation, it’s important to evaluate how important this life goal was prior to meeting the partner. Make sure that if you decide to be with them regardless, you don;t end up blaming them for your unfulfilled desires.
3. It Doesn’t Make You Happy Any Longer
There are lots of reasons we stay in a relationship, even when we can feel the troubles brewing – society, habit, fear of being alone.
But we need to remember that ultimately any relationship is built on the happiness of the two individuals. That’s what gives it its special glow. And if you’re no longer happy in the relationship, it may not serve its purpose any longer.
It could be because you feel like you’re the only one making the effort, or maybe you feel disrespected and taken for granted. Sometimes, misunderstanding and assumptions escalate to such a height that it just kills all the other goodness in the relationship – and at other times the relationship just becomes a boring one.
Whatever the cause may be, it’s important to remember that you’re not in the relationship to keep anyone else happy whether it be your mom or the society at large. You’re okay alone; you must be better together – and if that’s not happening then maybe this is just not it.
(Prachi Jain is a psychologist, trainer, optimist, reader and lover of Red Velvets.)
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