Sexolve 24: “Dear RainbowMan, My Husband Gets Aggressive In Bed”

Got a question about love, sex and relationships? Equal rights activist Harish Iyer is here to the rescue.

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

“My husband gets aggressive and violent in bed”

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been married for the past 11 years. We have two beautiful children. My husband is very loving, but sometimes he tends to get very fierce with me. Since the past 5 years, every night he demands sex. He doesn’t force me to have sex with him, but convinces me somehow to play along, which I happily do. The problem is, once he starts having sex, he doesn’t stop. He gets aggressive and violent, he beats me up, pinches my breasts and also slaps me while having sex. I get angry and he assumes that I am still playing along. I don’t discuss this in the morning when we wake up. I don’t know what to do.

A worried wife, Chennai

Dear Worried Wife,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Your husband needs to be told off. You need to speak to him properly. You need to sit in the chair next to him on a dining table and tell him that you do not appreciate his behaviour, and that you are not a consenting partner to his sadomasochistic fantasies. Also, consent has to be continuous. It is not right for him to assume that because you consent in the beginning of the act, he could go on and on and on, with other activities even without your consent. He cannot take your consent for granted for the complete session. But it is also important that you explain to him when he is sober, and not like a tiger waiting to pounce.

Teach him love. Make him learn patience. And explain, that consent is continuous. Just don’t suffer in silence. Write back if you need help.

Regards,

RainbowMan.

“Is Cum Swapping Dangerous?”

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a gay man, presently living overseas with my male partner in a sort of homophobic country. We live risky lives here. But my issue is something else. I don’t know if you will judge me for this, but I am sharing this anyway. We are in a non-exclusive relationship. As partners, we both are committed to each other and engage in long hours of foreplay. However there is one thing that has been bothering me a little too much. Though we have been safe throughout, he and I have been using condoms whenever we have been having oral sex with others (we don’t do anals with others) we don’t use condoms while we engage in oral sex with each other. We have also been finding immense pleasure in cum-swapping. Is this practice dangerous? Will we contract HIV? Please help. We have no one to ask here.

Rahul, Un Well Cuming Land

Dear Rahul,

Firstly, let me tell you that I completely empathise with you, and address something you mentioned in the passing. I understand how difficult it could be to live in a country that is innately homophobic. Glad that you are doing strong. Be safe. Move to a safer country if you could. I believe our lust for life is more important than making money. We need to live to make a living.

Secondly, you wondered if I would judge you for having multiple partners. Monogamy is overrated. I find the idea of monogamy quite limiting and boring myself. Anyways, who is anyone to hold any moral compass to your life. The only judgements I would make is if it is between non-consensual partners, is unsafe and where one is an adult and the other is not. So, no. I don’t judge you.

It is good that you and your partner are using condoms while with other men. It definitely helps in reducing risks. I want to tell you that though there are traces of HIV in saliva and semen, by and large, HIV is spread by blood to blood contact. For instance, if you are having unprotected anal sex with someone, and the person is HIV positive. You have a cut in your penis and he has a cut in his anus during sex and the blood from one body touches the other, HIV gets transmitted. Condom is a very helpful protection.

Similarly, in rare conditions HIV is transmitted is transmitted through bleeding gums during deep kissing and also during oral sex. Again, please underline ‘rare conditions’, it is a rarity and not a norm, so don’t get paranoid. Imagine, if deep-kissing causes HIV infection so rapidly, all actors and actresses who we see submerging their mouths inside their partners mouth while acting in a film would be all at a high risk of HIV.

Regarding cum-swapping between you and your partner, there is a high quantity of HIV that lives in semen. Also, research reveals that HIV dies when in contact with saliva. However, it is not entirely without any risk, there have been cases of HIV transmission reported by cum-swapping. But again, either of you need to be HIV positive for it to transmit to the other. Cum-swapping also has the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections like gonorrhoea and syphilis. I could say that cum-swapping is not as risky, but is risky too.

However, here’s a caveat, please check with a doctor when you visit India, or a country where it is safer. I am not a doctor.

That said, please please please, don’t be paranoid, be aware. Sex, like driving (or for that matter - living) is risky. There are chances that you get mowed down by a speeding truck or be hit by a bull or lose your gear and get toppled down the hill. But almost all of us survive by being smart and driving smart. So don’t stop having sex or be over fearful. Be safe though.

Love,

RainbowMan

“My ex drunk-texts me and I hate it”

Hi RainbowMan,

I had been in a relationship for more than 6 years with someone and I broke up with him when I fell in love with another man. I am single now and don’t want to get into any relationship with him or anyone else. The break up was amicable without any drama. We were very close to each other and also lived together for 3 years. However, now, 2 years after our break up, he sends me text messages in the dead of the night abusing me and asking me some nasty details about how I slept with other men. I feel it is quite disgusting that he could send a woman something like that. I choose to not respond to any of those texts. Then, the next day, when he is sober, I would get a call from him from an unknown number apologising profusely. This has happened five times already, and I am fed up. I don’t want to take legal action against him as we are friends, but what do I do? I do love him still.

Regards,

Textuallly Offended Woman

Dear Textually Offended,

Irrespective of your gender, no one has the right to say nasty things to you. It is equally disgusting if a woman sends a man such messages.

Now coming to your point. Drunk texting or even drunk sexting is fine, provided you appreciate it. If you don’t, you should just block the person or report to the police.

What do you mean by “I do love him still”? That’s quite a contradictory position to be in. Maybe, you just like the idea of what he once meant for you? I should confess that there are only two options that I can see. Either open the door or close it completely. This idea of sitting at the doorstep, neither in nor out, doesn’t help you or him.

IT STARTS WITH CONSENT, IT DOESN’T STAY AT THAT.