Madhuri Nene, 37-year-old software programmerMy mother-in-law still hasn’t come around to accepting our marriage. Just because I am Maharashtrian and not a Tamilian Iyer – coupled with the fact that ours was a love marriage – she put her foot down almost a decade ago, saying that our children would be low caste. Even after my daughter was born six years ago, she has refused to acknowledge us. My kid doesn’t know her father’s family at all. We had a simple court marriage – that, my husband’s side insists, doesn’t qualify as a marriage at all, since there were no saath pheras, et al, like in a traditional Hindu wedding.
She refuses to use her husband’s surname – the very memory of their marriage still a bitter pill to swallow.
But Madhuri could probably find some solace in the recent judgement of the Madras High Court which has declared that pheras and pundits aren’t imperative for a Hindu marriage.
Dismissing a PIL filed by A Asuvathaman, an advocate, against the amendment to the Hindu Marriage Act, the first bench comprising Chief Justice Sanjay Kishan Kaul and Justice TS Sivagnanam in its recent order held:
...the Hindu religion by itself is pluralist in character and thus various forms of marriage have traditionally existed depending on the area and the custom prevalent therein.
Why We Should Take a Cue From Our ‘Elders’
And yet, in class and community conscious India – where marriages are carefully arranged business alliances – one would find many raised eyebrows at couples who defy convention.
And if it’s really “Hindu tradition” that you think they’re defying, have you forgotten the Kalidasa age of the Gandharva Vivaha? An ancient marriage tradition, based solely on the mutual attraction between a man and a woman, this took place completely WITHOUT rituals, witnesses or any family participation. (Remember the epic love story between Shakuntala and Dushyanta? Same finale.)
The Smritis of Hinduism recognise predominantly eight methods of marriage: Brahma, Daiva, Arsa, Prajapatya, Asura, Raksasa, Paisacha – and the Gandharva. This latter is a form of marriage where the girl selects her own groom. They meet each other, consensually agree to live together, and their relationship is passionately consummated. This form of marriage did not require consent of parents or anyone else.
According to early Vedic records, Gandharva marriage was one of the earliest and commonest forms of marriage in Rig Vedic times. A passage in the Atharva Veda claims, parents usually left the daughter free in the selection of her lover and encouraged her to be direct in her love affairs. The mother of the girl was particularly progressive in this regard – once her daughter had reached puberty (Pativedanam).
In the Mahabharata – one of two major epics of Hindus – Rishi Kanva, the foster father of Shankuntala says,
The marriage of a desiring woman with a desiring man, without religious ceremonies, is the best marriage.
The Bizarre Paradox of Premarital Sex and Marriages
It appears today that we have regressed many generations since the time we’ve been talking about.
Here’s what’s interesting: a Hindustan Times-MaRS Youth Survey (conducted in September 2015) claimed that an unprecedented 61% believe premarital sex is no longer a taboo. However, when it comes to marriage, 63% want their partners to be virgins! In the same survey, Chandigarh youth topped the charts when it came to cheating at a whopping 45% – followed closely by Delhi at 41%. Pune, where only 44% respondents accepted that they were in a relationship, was at the bottom of the pile in terms of cheating on their significant other (25%).
While live-ins today are fairly common, marriage is still largely a family saga – with even popular culture patronising it with khoon and khandaan references – relying on rituals like Karwa Chauth, a community affair.
No wonder then that India also reports the highest number of dowry deaths – with 8,391 such deaths reported in 2010, 1.4 deaths per 100,000 women. Why and when did marriage – once celebrated as an extension of natural human desire – degenerate into an unmovable institution relying heavily on religion and superstitious mumbo jumbo?
Why do Khap Panchayats instruct gory honour killings? How is the kiss such a threat in an ancient civilization that literally taught the world the meaning of erotic bliss? Why have Indian marriages become less intimate, and more of a social tamasha? An industry based on designer lehengas, diamonds and DJ’s – the noise replacing ancient wisdom.
(The writer is an ex lifestyle editor and PR vice president, and now a full-time novelist and columnist on sexuality and gender, based in Delhi. She is the author of ‘Faraway Music’ and ‘Sita’s Curse’. Her third book ‘You’ve Got The Wrong Girl’ is out next.)
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