Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
I have heard of the need to respect people for the choices they make or have made. Especially if they happen to be our loved ones. But I am actually very conflicted now. I dont know what to make of it. I dont know what will happen to us after a while. I love by boyfriend like crazy. I really do. I feel the need to stress on that because his actions and his personality are two polar opposites of each other. I dont know what you could make of it. I just wish that what I am about to share doesn't make you feel that my boyfriend is a bad guy.
He is not. He is just misguided by some wants that he has. I dont know if I can gather the courage to tell you. But my boyfriend is a troll. He literally is one. He works for an agency that puts troll comments on anyone who opposes their clients.
They don't seem to have an ideology at all. They will go and support any client and lambast and hate on anyone who has an alternate view. My friends tell me that it is just a profession and I should ignore. He puts up hateful messages - homophobic, misogynistic etc.
I can't deal with this. He is a good person, but his digital personality is f@#king my brains up. I know I should not add stigma to his profession but hello… here I am …. unable to concentrate on the good person that he is outside of the job that he does. Please help me. What should I do.
'My Lover Is a Troll'
Thank you so much for your trust and faith in me.
When we love people we want the best for them. When we love people we wish them the best in all aspects. But they are not our vision of them. They are them. They can't be who we want them to be, they can just be true and authentic to what they are.
I understand that you are visibly upset by the choice of your partner’s career. I would have been too, if I was in your place.
Irrespective of what people tell you
IMHO, it is not just a profession. It is in fact, not a ‘just’ profession.
This literally impacts lives and mental health of several people. Spewing hate and working against the collective conscience and kindness of people is not a profession. And it is okay for you to not be okay with that. And I am glad that you are not okay with that.
But being upset will not yield any change in the relationship or his profession. Maybe you should appeal to his conscience. Maybe you should delve deeper into what prompts him to be who he chooses to be. You should certainly begin with a good heart-to-heart conversation.
No profession should be stigmatised would be a very generic statement. I empathise with you when you speak about your concerns. You dont want anyone to hate/insult/intimidate people on social media, and your boyfriend is not ‘anyone’ for you.
Please speak to him. Hear him out. Suggest alternatives. See if he has a meaningful response that you agree with for his choice of profession. It is his journey. It is his own understanding and learning from life. Let him have his own journey.
Charter your own individual path.
You could expect a lot from love, but there are limits to what you can accept. Define those.
What are the non-negotiables? And what would be the outcome if your partner crosses the line and tries to negotiate on those terms. Give it some thought.
This is as much about yourself as it is about him. You should prioritise your feelings and your expectations with him. There is nothing so selfless in human love. We all expect something from the experiences we share with each others.
Wish you good luck
P.S. If there are humans, there will be expectations.
'My Boyfriend Wants Me to Meow'
I am a 28 year old gay man. In love with someone who is of my own age, Everything is fine between us. We infact want to thank you and your mother. Your videos and your mothers story gave us the courage to open up to our parents. Now we are out and about and you had a role to play in that. In fact, you have inspired an entire generation of queers. Thank you.
Now coming to a problem we have. We cannot share it with anyone. My problem is that my boyfriend has developed some strange behavior. Our sexlife has been normal throughout. We are not the OTT or the under expressed couple. We are just perfect. No extra thrill, just vanilla love making.
However, I dont know what happened to my boyfriend. When we were sexual, he asked me to get on my fours and meow. I felt awkward but I did this. I wonder what he is watching that he gets me to do such things. I fear that I may not stand the test of his sexual experiments. I wonder what we could do to get better?
Thank you for writing in and many thanks for your kind words of appreciation. Seriously, sometimes we only lead our lives the way we know best and in doing so, we end up leaving a trail of experiences for others to follow.
Congratulations on finding love and for the acceptance you have found in each others arms and each other’s families. May your love grow. May your tribe grow.
As people get comfortable with each other's bodies, they may stretch themselves a little and push the envelope to experiment some more.
What is acceptable by the couple is best defined by the couple themselves. Engage in some sex talk with your partner. Check with him what arouses him and what not. Tell him what your desires are and what you despise in sex.
Give yourself and your partner the privilege of a decent conversation.
There is nothing wrong in experimentation, if it is safe and consensual.
There needn’t be a cause for this experiment. It may be a fantasy. Many people have fantasies, very few express them clearly. He does, and you need to decide if you are okay with doing what he wants to, or not.
Give yourself time and give your relationship the dignity of a conversation.
P.S. Love grows, love experiments, love expresses, love leaves, love comes back to love.
Do normal gay men have 3 testicles. I have only 2 and people tell me gay people have 3. Can you clarify.
Dear Gay Man,
Gay humans are humans. Most of Human males have 2 testicles. Some have one. It has nothing to do with sexuality