Sexolve 262: 'My Boyfriend Refuses to Call Us a Couple'
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'My Boyfriend Refuses to Accept That We're in a Relationship'
I am a 27 year old man in my first job and my first love. We both are in love in the same office. I have been in love for 2 years now.
We both joined as interns and one day while our internships was coming to an end, and we were offered a job in the same office, we wanted to celebrate.
We organized a party at his house.
There were 8 friends. Two of them amongst them were gay. We saw them and we saw each other again and again. That was the first time that we ever felt attraction with someone in our own gender.
YES, He is a man. I touched him for the first time and felt like a current down my legs. It felt wonderful. We met another twenty times after that and one day, we both ended up kissing each other. It felt like heaven.
Parallelly, both our parents were telling us that we should get married. And every time someone said that to us we felt really agitated. We wanted to love each other and no one else.
We ended up loving each other and ended up engaging in deep acts of lovemaking.
Believe me, I have never felt bliss like that ever before. And believe me, I have been in several sexual relationships with girls, it never felt like love.
Surprisingly, the same was the case with him.
Over time, we both even moved in together. We are now a couple, having sex all the time and enjoying each others company.
The problem I am facing is that he is still not calling this a relationship. He says he is in love with me, but doesn’t believe that this is a gay relationship.
He also says that we can live together forever, he has not once cheated on me and I cant even think of doing it.
We both are very committed but I feel bad that he doesn’t call us a relationship.
Does this mean he is ashamed of being gay? Is he ashamed of being in a gay relationship?
This aspect is kind of weird. I asked him once and he said, “why does that matter?" But it does to me!
One of my closest friends from school says, “maybe he is cheating on you with a woman”.
I trust him completely. But I don’t know. I feel scared. I cant tell him that I feel scared. I am scared that he will flare up or get angry. We have never got angry with each other ever. I don’t want to get angry or make him angry. Everything is all wonderful.
Dear Wonderful Boi
Thank you so much for writing in. I am very happy to read that you have found your love one.
And your love story is quite a story, as I was reading through your mail, I could almost see a hindi film scene unfolding in front of my eyes.
Life is like that – strange and unpredictable.
You could realise your gender or your sexuality at any age or any stage of your life.
You both realized that you could be madly in love with the same sex when your chemistry literally matched.
And because it all happened so seamlessly, maybe your partner doesn’t want to put a name or an identity to define it.
Believe me, there are several gay couples I know who just don’t like to call themselves couples.
They live and love and make love, they fight and make up, they do everything that a couple would, just that they wouldn’t want to define themselves in the box of a relationship.
It is not always that your partner will be cheating or will be having a roving eye, just because he doesn’t check on the relationship box.
Some people are stingy with words, but they are generous in acts of love.
You definitely have an unfulfilled expectation from your partner. Could you someday sit down with him over a cup of coffee and share with him what your expectations are.
Vulnerability is strength, not weakness. Vulnerability could also be the language of love
Approach him with not the fear that he could get angry, but the belief that love will withstand all.
Give him the chance to express his point of view on this issue, share what your point of views are.
There are more chances that cracks appear in your relationship because you have a desire bottled up within you, rather than sharing it with him.
Also, I am happy that you guys are happy. Really, I am. But for a relationship to flourish in the long run there needs to be all kinds of emotions.
We can't love when we operate from the point of fear of losing someone. So even if you feel sad and upset or have a quarrel, it is okay.
It is a dimension of your relationship too. And lovers quarrel too.
Wish you good luck in putting your point across, and if you do have a fight, just ensure that the make-up sex is as good.
p.s. Vulnerability is strength
'My Girlfriend's Mother Says I'm Too Old to Marry Her'
I am a 45 year old man who is in love with a 28 year old girl. Her mother says that I am too old to marry her. How do I convince her mother?
Thanks for writing in to me.
I have a few more questions to ask you. Maybe your responses to these questions will help you find your answer.
Why do you need to convince her mother? Isn’t your girlfriend a consenting adult? What the hell has age got to do with love as long as lovers are consenting and adults?
Try speaking to her mom through an intermediary – say someone from your family.
Her mom has the choice to understand your love or rejecting your proposal to marry her daughter. But her daughter is an adult, understand from your girlfriend what she wants.
If your girlfriend is willing, and you are willing… and are willing to take the step beyond parental approval – you can do so, as adults. There is no law that stops you from doing so. To court or not to court – the ball is in the couples court.
p.s. love withstands everything
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