Sexolve 231: ‘My Girlfriend Doubts Me All the Time’

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

‘My Girlfriend Doubts Me All the Time’

Dear RainbowMan,

Life was wonderful for me, until I fell in love. Everything was fine, she was fine, I was fine, as friends, everything was fine. Then, one day, we decided that we will pop the question. We both are obsessed with traditional stories. In fact, we both got a rose to gift each other on the same day. We ended up telling each other and laughed out loud. Everything was fine, until everything – everything collapsed. Let me explain. Ever since we fell in love, she has gained access to my phone. Every woman who writes to me – is presumed to be my girlfriend. The limit was when she read my male friend write to me “love you”, she got irate and asked me if I was secretly bisexual. I love her immensely, I am incredibly fond of her, but this is affecting me. I am always on tenterhooks about what she could misunderstand. Recently, I travelled on a work trip to another state and told her that I missed her and masturbated thinking of her. She kept asking me if I thought of her while masturbating or some other woman or man. It ended up with me hanging up on her. I am told by my friends that jealousy is healthy. But the pressure is mounting. I mean, there is a limit to everything. I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t have an affair elsewhere. I am right in front of her and I love her. She is finding it difficult to trust me. I wonder why she does this. What is it that I can do to remind her that “baby, I am your man and only your man and there is no other woman or man in my life”? How do I do this? This is frustrating. Terribly frustrating. I don’t want to leave her, but I hope that one day, I end up leaving her. I don’t want to do that to her. Please help me.

Troubled Hooman

Dear Troubled Hooman,

Thank you for writing in. As friendships change to love affairs, the nature of the relationship changes. It does get better sometimes, and sometimes, the change is difficult to comprehend and adjust to. Especially when an element of jealousy and hate creeps in, this migration from friendship to love, that is actually an elevation for many, seems like a demotion for those involved.

It is important to address issues when they don’t go as planned. If you let the current situation be the way it is, it is only going to get even bitterer.

I know that some people say that some amount of jealousy is healthy, even they would agree that it is not healthy when it becomes more of a judgement and habit.

Things are getting out of control. You have moved past the needle of “normal jealousy” in the barometer of emotions (in fact there no such calibration). It is important for you now to address the issue.

Keep it as it is. Keep it real.

Converse, don’t confront. Discuss, don’t digress.

I think it’s a good idea to sit down with your partner and have a healthy discussion. Keep the tone low and avoid superlatives and adjectives while describing her behaviour.

Remember, allegations against allegations are allegations. Judgements against judgements are judgements.

Tell her that you find it difficult to deal with the relationship in the present state and that you want to make things better. Tell her that you want to make things better for both of you’ll so that you both could enjoy a happy relationship.

Be willing and open to seeing a therapist for group therapy. When we are unable to resolve issues by ourselves, it is a good idea to get a third person who is an expert at looking at things objectively and guiding the relationship on a better plane.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Sane discussions with planned actions can save relationships.

‘How Do I Deal With Premature Ejaculation?’

Dear RainbowMan,

When I practice masturbating, I get early ejaculation. I'm getting married in a month so I'm a bit nervous about premature ejaculation while having actual sex. I am too shy to discuss with anyone.

Kindly guide to come out of this fear.

Regards

Fast Human

Dear Fast Human,

Thank you for writing in.

At the outset, let me wish you a very happy married life. I wish that your challenge of premature ejaculation doesn’t exist when you have sex. However, if the problem persists, please don’t hesitate to visit a doctor. I am not a qualified doctor but can share what I have read and heard.

Try googling “kegel exercises”. I read that it helps in cases of erectile dysfunction.

Also, a simple practice of diverting your thought when you are close to achieving orgasm and then beginning all over again with longer foreplay is seen to be helpful sometimes.

Let anxiety not take away from love. And there is more to love than sexual intercourse. Let romance blossom.

That said, if the issue persists, do not hesitate speaking to a sexologist. Don’t let it bother you too much. There is professional medical help, you just have to get rid of your shyness and ask for it.

Good Luck,

RainbowMan

P.S. Things get better. Keep the faith.

‘I’m a Lesbian Looking for a Gay Guy to Marry’

Dear RainbowMan

I am a 32-year-old lesbian girl from a conservative family who is looking for a fake marriage with a gay guy. I am getting so much pressure from my family and I am not interested in men or sex with men.

Could you please guide me on where would I could find a nice good looking gay guy to marry? I am okay with him having affairs with other men, I just want him to be my friend and fulfil my mother's wishes. Her dying wish was that I should be get married and settled. Could you please help me?

Lessie Leo

Dear Lessie Leo,

Thank you so much for writing in.

Queer women go through double the amount of discrimination, one because of their gender and then because of their sexuality.

Coming out to the world is a distant possibility for many for whom coming out to themselves is a herculean task. I acknowledge and commend you for having the courage to assert yourself as a lesbian woman.

What you are seeking is popularly termed as “Marriage of convenience”. There are couples who draw out legal contracts on what they would agree to and what they would not.

There are also many who get into a marriage with the verbal promise of staying away from each other’s sexual lives while maintaining a social image of being a married couple.

I know it is easier said than done, but I am going to give this a thought -

You want to give in to the social pressure and get married to a man. And then, will the social pressure end? No it will not. There will be demands for a child. Then will you again cow down to social pressure and plan to have a child? When does the social pressure end? And when do you stop pretending and being who you are?

I am sure there are dating sites and some gay men who would like to take the offer. Some may belong to your community too. But, it is not safe. Living a lie is never safe. Orchestrating a sham of a marriage to please the world is never a safer option.

I request you to instead do something different. Please speak to fellow queer women. Draw courage from sisterhood and a gamut of friends and dates. For starters, please visit www.gaysifamily.com. This is a website run by queer women for queer persons. Reading stories in the virtual world, may help you understand that there are people like you. Familiarity would help an online family. They also have events that you could attend and meet fellow queer women. You could also visit Umang. Their helpline number is 9930095856. Whatsapp them for a conversation.

Do feel free to write in if you need any further assistance. I would strongly dissuade you from getting into any contractual marriage of convenience.

Hugs,

RainbowMan

P.S. Life is too short for a compromise.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)