Sexolve 298: ‘My Girlfriend Has Been Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder'

Sexolve 298 | In his weekly column, Harish Iyer offers advice on your love, sex and relationship queries.

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'My girlfriend has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32 year old woman in love with another woman. We have been in a relationship for over 4 years now.

We have shared days, good times and bad times. We have fought, reconciled, broken up, patched up and everything in between.

She has been a philanderer, has a roving eye, and keeping her to comply to a relationship has been difficult, so we have achieved a pact - that I will also go out with other people, and she will also and we will come together every night to each others arms.

The issue that I saw is that she would end up having long term relationships with her lovers. I will be having sex, but coming back to her completely.

I had a tough time with her. Very tough time. I confronted her and told her that this will not be done. She cannot get serious with other women.

She can be with them. I mean, I am not controlling, but I need more surety of my relationship with her. When I confronted her she became a wreck.

She started screaming and shouting and becoming more difficult. She told me once that this is the way she was feeling, but there was a trigger of me trying to tell her something that she blasted like a volcano. I was stunned.

Every time I went out with someone, though I did not go further in a romantic way with anyone else, she would get worked up.

Things got so much worse that we got her family involved. They took her to their place and showed her to a psychiatrist. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and also shows sign of schizoid personality disorder.

She came back to me in 2 months and since then she was always up to something back home, her parents happily left her with me. She was alright for a while, but suddenly one day, on a small quarrel, she ended up cutting her wrist.

I am really really upset today, I cant leave her alone anywhere. I cannot. I have to be always at the look out for support for her when I leave home.

And her parents wouldn't take her either. They want her to work it out with me. While it is great for queer rights and all that, this is putting pressure on me. How do I proceed?

I cant leave without thinking that this is a sin that I am doing cannot stay because I am young and have a life to live and this is screwing all my life plans. What should I do?

Lost Soul

Dear Kind Soul,

Thank you for writing in to me and trusting me with such intimate details about your life and struggles. I will attempt to react to all aspects that you have shared, one by one.

First, let’s speak about the relationship. A relationship where one could be romantically involved with more than one person could be termed as a polyamourous relationship.

Polyamourous relationships could be of various types - where all people see all people, where you have a primary relationship and a secondary relationship and other casual encounters.

The relationship between you and your girlfriend seems like the primary relationship where you both are committed to each other, but allow space for exploration of other people - romantically and physically.

Polyamourous relationships where one has a primary relationship, are very emotionally evolved and matured relationships where people have a deep understanding of each other’s commitment to the set of rules that the couple decide for themselves.

These relationships need maturity because jealousy, anger and other emotions could be a possible outcome, but the couple chooses to trust the person for a permanent relationship by calling these temporary emotions.

I think if you are getting involved into something like this, there needs to be complete communication, absolute consent, and unambiguous belief about the expectations.

Maybe you are up for it, maybe your girlfriend needs more time in the relationship to see if she is up for something like this.

I am saying this because sometimes when people are faced with challenges of mental health with disorders like bipolar disorder, they could face extreme elation (mania) or extreme sadness (depression).

At these moments, if they don't take care of themselves, they could end up getting irate, upset or show other behavioral challenges.

It is not that people who live with bipolar are not capable of living a very wonderful fulfilling life, just that they need to take good care of themselves and their mental health every time.

This, mixed with challenges that people in the spectrum of schizoid personalities, would need more self care, even at times when it seems very difficult.

There are moments, during mania or depression, where they may not respond the way the way you may wish they did. It may not always mean that they are rude or ruthless or unresponsive on purpose.

Lovers and Partners and Caretakers of people who live with bipolar disorder, need active counselling and self care so that they completely understand what this entails and are able to decide if they are up for the relationship in the long haul.

Please take counselling yourself. Speak to a mental health professional. Understand what behaviours are shown by people who live with these mental health disorders.

We all need acknowledgement for our love and care, you may not receive it exactly the way you want it.

You may also feel a deep sense of guilt when you decide to walk away or tell your partner that you do not appreciate certain behaviours from her end. This is because you think everything that she says and does is a part of her disorder.

If people love us and they care for the relationship, they will work towards their treatment. Because their behaviour has an impact on the mental health of their loved ones.

You can walk ten steps towards them to co-exist, co habitat, co-learn with them, but they need to take care of themselves first. They need to show commitment and compassion towards themselves first.

I know you could be ridden with guilt and fear for the life of your partner if you choose a path away from hers. But remember this one thing.

It is not wrong to look at your own mental peace and self worth in a relationship. It is not wrong to take care of yourself and if that taking care, would mean that you need to walk out of a relationship, you are not wrong to do that for your own good.

Your girlfriend is not your responsibility. You have a life beyond you. She is her own responsibility. She needs to take care of herself.

She cannot be dependent on you to moderate your feelings every time you are with her.

You have the option of opting out. Exercise that option when you want, but do it in consultation with her counsellor and her parents, so that you are leaving her in good care of someone while leaving.

You are a good soul. Be good to yourself too.

Hugs,

RainbowMan

P.S. She needs you, you think. I think, you need you the most. And she needs herself the most.

'I am a 56 year old virgin'

Dear rainbowman,

I am a 56 year old virgin. Never married. Never got into a relationship. Never really got into love. Never did anything.

Just was busy with my profession. I feel like I need to explore this part and break my virginity.

Just don't know how to do this. I feel guilty for wanting this too.

Old Love

Dear Old Love,

Thank you so much for writing in.

It is never too late or never too old to fall in love or to have sex. There need not be any guilt about wanting go have sex, or even not wanting to have it.

Regardless of Gender and Sexual orientation, it is never too old to get into a dating site and put your desires up front.

There are apps like Tinder and bumble that could be helpful in making strong online bonds with strangers.

I would also urge you to socialise, more often. Meet new people with varied interests and see where it takes you.

As long as there is consent, and the other person is an adult, you have nothing to feel guilty about

Give life a chance. 56 is just a number.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. You are never too old for love.

Beastiality?

Dear RainbowMan,

Is it unnatural to have sex with an animal.

Anon

Dear Anon,

It is natural to have sex with members of your own species. We just have to keep in mind the element of age and consent.

When it comes to animals, they are not able to give and/or we are not able to decipher consent. Also, sex with animals could end up like a pathway to serious zoonotic diseases that could transfer from other animals to human beings.

Besides these moral and evolutionary questions, it is also unlawful.

Under section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, beastiality is deemed a criminal offence. One could face jail and fine for doing so.

In addition to this, this violates the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Act 1972 that has penalties against the abuse of animals.

If the animal is a wild animal as per the scheduled status of the animal, the human in such an act could be tried under the Wildlife Protection Act 1960.

Of course the sentencing would depend on the crime, severity of it and the species.

Compassion towards animals is also a fundamental duty.

Article 51 (G) of the Indian Constitution states the following: "It shall be the duty of every citizen of India to protect and improve the natural environment including forests, lakes, rivers and wild life, and to have compassion for living creatures."

Hope that answers your curiosity. Do write in if you want to know more.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. Sleep only with adult humans and only with their consent.