Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
My Ex-Boyfriend is Bothering Me Now
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 28-year-old gay man from south of India. I was studying in the US for a few years where I fell in love with this guy who was three years my senior. It was an instant connection, and we fell in love. We went strong for 2 years, I planned to settle there with him, however things changed and I had to move to India. Slowly, I fell out of love. Now I am dating this other friend of mine, and we are going strong.
The other day, I was surprised to see my ex in my hometown. He was there with a bunch of his friends, looked like they are touring India, but definitely it was to spy on me. I acknowledged him and waved a “hi”, he didn’t acknowledge me. I didn’t bother much. However, after a few days I saw him again in my street. This time alone. I don’t know why would a foreigner who was not so fond of India suddenly has so much love for this country that he decides to stay on, if it is not to stalk me? Do I confront him or do I leave him alone?
Stalked By Ex, India
Dear Stalked By Ex,
I empathise with what you must be going through. I don’t know the details of why you broke up with him, and it is immaterial. You ended it with him and he should know that a no is no. I don’t know if your theory that he is in your city to spy on you is based on solid evidence. However, the fact that you feel that he is stalking you should call for some scrutiny. Here are things that I suggest that you do.
- Inform a close friend whenever you are travelling and keep your GPS on while travelling.
- If you are in an open/non-committal relationship now, do not go on blind dates.
- Get your local non-profit organisation involved. In Mumbai and Delhi we have the Humsafar Trust which is highly proactive.
The easiest would be to go and speak to him directly. Silence breeds violence.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
My Boyfriend Had a Baby With Someone Else
Dear RainbowMan,
I am in need of advice. My boyfriend and I met in Canada in May 2012. I was there on holiday. We knew that our relationship will be long distance but it didn't matter since there was a strong bond of love and trust between us. I love him so much and though in the beginning I felt he loved me back the same way, things have changed. We broke up over a silly argument and then I blocked all communication and we never spoke again until this year. Then we had another silly conversation and I blocked him again.
In this break up window, I never moved on with anyone else because I felt connected to him and I found it hard to let someone else into my life knowing fully well that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
We got back together in February after talking through our issues. It felt right because we met in person, discussed, and did intimate things.
On Sunday last, after trying to reach him countless times the night before, he sent me a WhatsApp msg saying that he needs to talk to me. I was so nervous because he recently admitted that he was seeing someone but it was not serious given how much he loves me.
Anyway, the message came and it threw me into an immediate state of depression. He told me that he has a one-month-old baby but he is not in a relationship with the baby's mother.
(deep breath....as I write this)
If you do the calculations it will show that when we got back together in February, the woman must have been about 2/3 months pregnant. So he lied to me, he manipulated me, he played on my emotions and that's where my pain surfaces from. He should have been honest with me. He claims that he wanted to tell me then but felt like he was going to lose me forever if he did. He said he always wanted to tell me but never knew how.
So I fear the unknown, I am locked in thought about the kind of woman she is because he wants to be with me and I want to be with him. I understand that now that he has a kid, his life changes immensely. In that it's no longer about me and him but it’s about him and his kid and me.
I know he'll be the best father he can be to his kid and I will encourage him as much as I can.
However, it hurts to know that the man I love has fathered a kid with another woman.
He assures me that he wants to marry me, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I believe him.
I need help to accept the reality of the situation. Should I trust him? Should I let him go to her and his baby? These are the questions that trouble me the most.
Thanks for reading this and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sunita, Canada
Dear Sunita,
Thank you for trusting in me, a stranger. Love relationships are not always easy. But I applaud you for your empathy, for you have the heart to look at things through the lens of love and understanding despite the realisation that you have been cheated. Lovers have a tiff and they throw a fit, but some come back after the storm and dare to love again. Truly, the power of love supersedes the pain of betrayal.
The responsibility of a child is a responsibility of a lifetime. You said that he has a baby but is not in a relationship with the mother of his baby anymore. Is the baby with him? And if the baby is with him, it should be his first responsibility. When a parent brings a child to this world, they take the responsibility of a lifetime. You could choose to partner him in this responsibility. But understand that it comes with a great deal of empathy. If you love him enough to respect him despite his treachery, then wait. If you are in doubt, leave.
Don’t treat your love towards him like charity, and don’t treat yourself like a social do-gooder. If you would ask me, I would say – you deserve better. But the ball is not in his court, it is in yours. Do you think he is worth the pain?
Regards,
RainbowMan
I Don’t Like Having Sex with my Husband
Dear RainbowMan,
I am Mrs Khanna. Well, that’s what I am known as everywhere. I seem to have lost my identity ever since I got married to Mr Khanna some 8 years ago. I feel obligated to call myself Mrs Khanna ever since I married him. I have to love him despite not loving him because that’s how it happens in “arranged” marriages, you see. And my parents have spent so much money in this marriage, and the stigma and moral values prevent me from walking away. The worst part is sex. I have never ever wanted to have sex with this man. I was not attracted to this man. But I have to. I am bored of faking orgasms. I am reaching the point of frustration. Every time he tries to do things to me, I dislike it, but empathy demands that I don’t tell him so. I wonder if there is any way out. I just needed to vent. Sorry for ranting. Thank you for listening.
Sarita, Bangalore
Dear Sarita,
Firstly – Yes, you are venting and no, you are not ranting, so please don’t apologise. Thank you for trusting me with your secret. While I can’t live your life and experience your experience, I attempted putting myself in your shoes and could understand that sometimes marriage is not the rosy picture that it seems to be. We all have our individual identities, while we may love to accept another’s name as our own, it is rather unfortunate that it is the woman who adopts the man’s surname and not vice versa. However, I would not blame the trend for everything. It takes the effort of a few good men to stand up against such patriarchal norms.
Next time someone calls you Mrs Khanna, do dare to tell them politely “Sarita. Yaa... that’s my name.” There is no reason why you should call yourself anything. I am not asking you to revolt, I am asking you to slowly but steadily start standing up for your freedom and liberty.
How is your partner as a person? Are you guys compatible with each other? Do you love each other? Is this a relationship of love and not just compromise? If the answer to any of these is a no, then possibly you would need to involve a third person who could have a more balanced view on how you could better your relationship or call it quits. If you do see a future with him and consider sex one of the most important factors in the relationship, you will need to ensure that you consult a good sexologist to help you with your challenges with intimacy.
Don’t force yourself to love anyone who you don’t. Life is too lovely to live your life like some sort of a compromise.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
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