Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
Both My Son & I Have An Aunty Fixation
I am someone who suffers from an auntie fixation. I love aunties. I have been loving them since the age of eight. Now I am 45 and have a son who seems to be following the same footsteps. My son is now 20. I discovered aunty photos in his drawer when he was as young as 12. He used to go to this tuition teacher who used to teach him part-time. She seduced my son and they had a lot of fun. When I got to know, she obliged me as well. I felt proud that my son has similar desires like me. I want to know more about my son’s sexual life. Will his sexual life from here on be just like mine? Will his desires in bed be similar to mine? Is aunty fixation and other sexual desires genetic?
I usually never ever lose my cool when people say stupid things. I don’t mind if you send me hate mails and threatening messages after you read my comments here… But you cross the limit. So here it goes – YOU ARE A FREAKING IDIOT. Some people should never be blessed with the joy of a child. You are one of them.
Wouldn’t the first reaction of any responsible parent be to stop the tuition when you discover that the child is being sexually taken advantage of? My previous sentence has a caveat – the word responsible. You are far from being one.
Seriously, I don’t really care about how many “aunties” you rolled over the hay with or what is the meaning of this “auntie” fantasy. I just pity the woman who got married to you. I hope it ended in a divorce. And I am seriously worried for your 20-year-old boy.
Firstly, women are not sex kittens. And when you speak of AUNTY, you speak of it as if you have bought some dildo for yourself. Stop there, you idiot. Stop. They are not “aunty”. Secondly what happened with your boy is sex abuse. An adult woman having sex with a pre-teen boy is child sexual abuse. Even if it was not done in a painful way. Even if it was not done with force. Your child didn’t deserve to be felt up the way he was at that age.
I know of my male friends in school who used to have an older women fixation.
If you think it is cool for a boy that age to be seduced by an older adult woman, well, try changing the gender in your head… “will you still be okay if it was a girl child was being seduced by an adult man?”
The end result being, I don’t care if this is genetic. I just know that your genes should not pollute any gene pool. You should not bear any children.
YOU DAMN FOOL. What happened with him was child sexual abuse. Abuse is abuse. It is not suddenly a fantasy when it is a woman abusing a boy. Yes today he may be an adult, but he wasn’t then.
You should have protected him. You need counselling. Glad that your son doesn’t think it is abuse, but hope that he doesn’t start thinking he can percolate the same down his generation.
This is why I feel there needs to be some sort of a sanity licence for people to become parents. Some people should be barred from parenthood ever.
Anyways, please stop this. Please, please.
I will help you find a good counsellor. Please find help for yourself. May good sense prevail.
Pissed (Yet Trying To Sound Sane),
My Penis Tilts 26° In North-East Direction
My Penis tilts 26° in north-east direction when it is left abandoned in suspended animation. For all my friends it is in the north-west direction. Please suggest. I am really worried.
Compass Bhai, Equator
Dear Compass Bhai,
Yaar, itni geography aur physics toh main nahi jaanta. But I will try to respond to your problem. Here is my response of your scientific puzzle.
Object called penis growing steadfast to achieve uniform speed with no force of any external unbalanced force at 26° to the north east.
Disturbance that could cause standard deviation:
Object is not on suspended animation. Object is an appendage attached to a semi-static body.
The object (penis) is tilting toward the right.
If this is the case, I don’t think there is anything to worry unless it causes non-standard deviation (pain or discomfort) in the experiment. The history of experiments conducted by Dr RainbowMan (Title: Sex, Sucks and Fornicate, Sex Journal: Vol 1, Page 69) draws an inference that object could tilt either ways, though more to the left, but the experiment(s) goes just fine without any interference from some internal unbalanced force.
The experiment has some erroneous interpretations on the basis of over stimulation of neurons and cerebrospinal fluid that are formed in the cerebrum, cerebellum and cranial cavity of the object. Just as Sir Masturbaton said, as long as “forward and backward motion gives rise to lotion” in a painless way, there need not be investment of personal neurons in this experiment.
Now In saral, non-scientific bhasha.
Dude, if it doesn’t cause discomfort, chill maar.
Don’t bother. Don’t think much. I guess you will be able to perform sex well and also masturbate well. That’s what I feel. If not, please see a doctor. Because I am no medical doctor, so you may choose to take my advice lightly and rather take the help of a qualified medical professional.
Thank lord for Physics. God bless Medical Biology!
I Never Experienced The Emotional Intimacy My Husband Had With His Girlfriend
I had an arranged marriage 20 years back. And then we had a long battle with infertility, and I am now finally raising three young kids. The older one is just four. However turning a mum was very hard on me, and I was hardly a wife to him. Our marriage essentially turned sexless with the arrival of the baby, and I confess, it was my denial of sex.
I had a full time job, my baby was a horrible sleeper, and I had dysfunctional uterine bleeding till my kid's first birthday. Both of us had crazy schedules. We became better in the sex department, but it was just a marginal improvement at best. I had my second baby four years back. And the third two years back. I spent the last stretch of my maternity leave in my hometown with my older kid in tow. I found out last year that beloved had a sexual affair with a co-worker younger to him by a decade. She became pregnant and aborted the child.
The co-worker knew his marital status and had attended social events hosted by us. I was completely blindsided. They were so cool about it... they initially wanted a casual temporary arrangement, but later the girl clung on saying that she was in love, and could not leave him. Between saving the secret from me, and his office, and keeping her at bay, and everything, he eventually got caught. I am torn. The children love him.
The affair partner is finally gone. Husband swears that he has learnt the lesson of a lifetime. However, I now have their chats from the initial days of flirtation to the time when things got sour. Reading their chats turns a knife in me. I realise that while I always felt guilty for denying sex, I had been denied the emotional intimacy that I noticed between them. There is nothing of him that she did not touch. I feel sour, disillusioned, and completely torn. I never experienced the clever thrill of budding love, and I feel that life has completely passed me by on that. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. I am doing well professionally, but I am just dying inside. I haven't told any family, and I hardly want to make that effort and see the rippling of the consequences. I just don't know what to make of this dense fog in my brain.
Drive some sense into me, RainbowMan.
Thank you for trusting your secret with me. I understand the horror of painful memories. I know that they could come back in your head every time you think of it. I can advise you. I can share what I think. But I can’t decide for you.
Darling, I have been in a relationship where I knew my partner was straying. It didn’t matter to me a lot until I discovered that I was made the slide-along story and the other men formed the main cast. I believe any relationship should be laid in the foundation of trust and honesty.
Your case is different. You are looking for a committed relationship. I know your hubby dearest is apologetic, but cross your heart and tell me. You are sure that history will repeat itself, right? And anyways history is repeating itself in your head.
You need a change of scene. Take a break – from him. Go out on a vacation. Move out momentarily as an experiment and see how it works. It is good to take a break from the relationship when your head is clouded and your emotions dominate your rational mind.
Truth be told, there are many women who have caught their spouses in clandestine affairs and have moved on to a happier place.
I am not suggesting that you leave him at this stage. I am merely asking you to give yourself the much-needed space, initially for a couple of months.
I know you will have the thought of your children clouding you. Resist your temptation to blame yourself for children missing out on having two parents at one time. Remember, it is better to have two single happier parents than two parents who are sad, fighting, bickering and eventually hitting each other.
All of domestic violence needn’t be physical. This relationship has already taken the shape of emotional violence.
For the moment, take yourself seriously. Move out as an experiment.
You may develop wings to fly alone. Or your partner bird may find his way to your abode, and help you build a nest again.
And all I ask you to do is – Love Yourself. Khud ke dil ko khush kar de yaar!
And yes, I love you.
(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)