Oh, it’s about to rain birthdays galore this month. And as the ritual goes, satellite TV channels, webzines – and practically every media outlet you can imagine – is readying gift-wrapped packs for the movie celebrities who will add yet another year to their fabulous careers.
All the birthday log belong to the Libra zodiac sign (September 23 to October 22). Among their character traits, on the positive side, count tactfulness, alertness, intellectualism, charm and poise. On the negative side, count insecurity, insincerity, laziness, artificiality and superficiality.
That Q-list sounds contradictory to me, but those who believe in the Zodiac are welcome to stick to their beliefs. In any case, contradictions are endemic in human behaviour.
Salutary Bytes...No Please
Be that as it may, the downpour of pre-recorded ‘happy birthdays’, to keep celebrities on the upbeat is on. The times, they aren’t a changin’. Now you might wonder, “What’s your problem?” Simply this: although I’m no authority on how to win star friends and influence people, I find myself turning down invitations to contribute salutary bytes, on or off camera. “If not video, how about an audio byte, please?”
The snag is that what can I possible say on a birthday but gush-gush? Or get facetious, like sit-down comic Bob Hope did by declaiming, “You know you are getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.” Or adopt the Groucho Marx strategy by remembering no one else’s birthday, party venue and hour, but his own.
Can’t do. So, the glut of byte negotiations, over the aeons, goes on like this:
“Hello, hello. I am Deepti (let’s say) from some ‘X’ news channel. Amitji’s birthday is on October 5, you know.”
“Yes.”
“Can you come over to our studio (at a perilous, traffic-clogged distance) to record a byte.”
“No,” I tetch.
“Why not?” she persists.
“Just.” I mutter in a headmaster’s timbre.
“But you know Amitji.”
“I don’t know him, really,” I beg now.
“But, you wrote a coffee table book on him...”
“Look, I don’t do bytes,” I disconnect the call rudely, feeling terrible. I never say no, unless it’s a must to stop myself from dredging up meaningless bonhomie. Damn that word, bytes. These also amount to condensing a tome-sized book into two to three lines, which are subsequently edited to sound like hiccupy hurrahs.
Birthday Downpour
Truly whatever I’d say in terms of b-greetings this October, especially, would end up sounding something like this:
Amitabh Bachchan, October 5: Sir, you are a veritable institution. At the age of 73, you’re hamara Gibraltar. Fantastic, sir, fantastic. Here’s wishing you many more Pikus, Shamitabhs and Paas. Tiny request Big Boss: could you please stop cracking those potty jokes? Doesn’t fit your stature. Still, rock on, you’re an inspiration. Cross my heart, fingers and toes.
Vinod Khanna, October 6: Wherever you are Vkji, trust you’re Okji. 68th birthday ki shubhkaamnayen. Miss you, hope to see much more of you in action. After all, there are milestones left to go. Duas unlimited.
Simi Garewal, October 7: ‘Allo, ‘allo Simi, vous mettez 68 ans aujourd’hui and still so cool. Here’s wishing you a revival of Rendezvous episodes on TV. And don’t please ever wear anything but white. Never ever. Non, non.
Rekha, October 10: Super-duper 61st to you Ma’am Re! Wanted to send you 61 red roses but the florist argued that you are inaccessible. Sigh. Chalo then, sending you duas, dil se, that you step out of Sunset Boulevard, quit impersonating Greta Garbo, and forget “him” (any guesses?) – who you can constantly chat about, yet never naming him.
And please quit having creative differences with your directors. So wanted to see you in Fittoor. Just saying this as a lifelong fan type, Ma’am. No shamgiri here. Will always consider you as the Diva No. 1, everyone in the world does. Even if the Diva epithet is only meant for singers, so what? Don’t mind it, haan?
Hema Malini, October 16: Namaskars Hemaji. Have a super 67th varshgaath. Just a wish or two that you stay the way you are. Gorgeous than anyone your age or younger. Am biased maybe, but my granny – a connoisseur of beauty – always praised you to the skies. Ditto, moi.
Om Puri, October 18: Long live Om Puri saab. Thank you for your super performances, super voice, and for breaking the prominence of chocolatey heroes. Respect you always (er, except when you do sidey stuff with Akshay Kumar and Shah Rukh Khan). Artwalla filmakers don’t pay, I know. Appreciate your Catch 22-situation. At the age of 65, you’re a class apart. Cheers!
Sunny Deol, October 19: Wishing you a muscle-packed 58th. Know you’re embarrassed by birthdays and all zat. What to do? Couldn’t resist conveying my felicitations. Today, do wipe out that tough frown. Smiiiile please. It won’t hurt. Promise!
Parineeti Chopra, October 22: Hey gal, my heartfelt wishes for a mazedaar 27th salgiraah. Know something? You don’t have to parachute into frilly designer gowns, battle with weight issues, deny liaisons, and pout for sexy photo-shoots. Pariji, you’re a natural-born-actress. “Stay that way” is the only unsolicited advice that I can rustle up for you today. Way to go-go.
Believe me, all these mubarak-hos don’t require any effort or thought. Which is why I just don’t want to venture into the byte cosmos. Better to maintain silence – a fond one – in the month of B-town b’days, no?
(The writer is a film critic, filmmaker, theatre director and a weekend painter)
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