(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
'50 Year Old Virgin'
Thank you for all the good advice you give. I am a 50-year-old virgin man. I think my penis has forgotten to react to pleasure.
The other day I kissed a woman and I felt nothing.
I like her, she is a close friend. But i felt nothing sexual. I have never felt anything sexual ever in my life.
Should I think of breaking in this pattern and have sex? Am I normal? Maybe go to a commercial sex worker?
Dear Virgin Male
Thank you so much for writing in.
You don't need to force yourself to feel anything. You are feeling different from the lot. And that's okay.
No human should have to have sex just because others are doing so. No one should have to just to be a part of a "norm". One should do it because they want to do it. One should do it because they would like to do it.
You dont need to feel something sexual when you kiss a woman. Some kisses are just like that. You have a deep emotional connect with this friend. Not every kiss leads to a sexual encounter. Not every kiss calls for a sexual encounter.
I very strongly would recommend that you google asexuality and see for yourself if the idea makes sense to you. You don't have to "identify" as one. But it helps to know that what you are feeling or not feeling is natural and that presence sexual feelings are not the definition of "normal"
Have sex with someone when you feel like doing it or want to understand for yourself. But don't be harsh on yourself. Don't force yourself to do something.
P.S. If you have to experiment, let there be consent – of your partner, and yourself.
'Bi-Confused and Squirming In Guilt.'
I don't know how much sense I'll make, but I'd really appreciate your help. I'm 26 and lately bi-curious.
I've fantasised about being with a man and watched enough gay porn before deciding to plunge into Grindr.
Grindr, of course, is no kind space to be in. I'd a casual fling, my first, which went okay-ish. No particular feelings after that first encounter.
I'd two more — one was an emotional rollercoaster, so I left before things escalated; the other went fine. I was clear there won't be any penetrative sex on the table at either ends.
After three flings, I'm not closer to resolving my 'bi-curious' tag, but I certainly am squirming in guilt.
I wanted to experiment being around a man, and I always made that clear to each of the people I met on the app, but it seems I'm 'straight' after all.
I didn't particularly enjoy any of those encounters, and was honestly wanting to quickly get out of almost all of them.
I feel guilty about having tested the waters. Do help!
Thank you for writing in.
When we discover our latent desire to be with someone, to touch someone, to feel someone, to be sexually satisfied with someone. And that someone happens to be a person of the same sex.
Sexuality is fluid. Gender is fluid. We can discover over a period of time, We can discover over our entire lifetime.
Just that you cannot 'become' gay, or 'become' straight, sexuality doesn't dance to the tunes of our whims and fancies.
We only are what we are, and only the person themselves can ascertain who they are.
We often find ourselves swimming against the tide. Every movement seems like an effort. Every encounter seems like a mistake.
We don't question our feelings when we are swimming in the direction of the tide. Because we know that even if we stop swimming, the tides will force us towards the shore.
We don't qiestion our heterosexual leanings, because that is the latter - swimming in the direction of the tide.
But we all are different. Even two heterosexual couples don't have the same identical desires of what they want sexually, emotionally, physically from their partners. There are several square pegs in round holes there too.
Our desires are not always something that fit neatly into boxes of black and white. They are almost always in shades of grey.
We give meaning to our feelings and emotions. We want everything to neatly fit itself in dictionary definitions of Gay and Straight and Bi-Curious. In all these "fitting in" exercises, we lose the essence of the emotion.
In LGBTQIA+, Q stands for Queer, Q could also stand for Questioning.
If you are questioning, that is a natural state too. Let's make peace with it. Also, you could question at any stage and any age of your life. Like, for instance, I was 15 I called myself Bi
Curious, 18 I identified as Bisexual. When I was 23 I realised that I am totally gay. When I was 40 I discovered the term genderfluid and I thought I fit into that box. And maybe, in another few years, I may discover more words that I could fit into.
About "squirming in guilt", I think we tend to have that feeling when we feel that we are not in the majority… we all think things would be pretty easy-peasy when we could get married to a woman and make babies and didn't have to have a chapter of coming out to ourselves and the world.
But it is blessed to be different. It is our differences that add uniqueness to our character and our life.
Embrace your difference. Embrace your uniqueness. Embrace your "questioning" phase.
Arrive at a conclusion of a sexuality. Or don't. But embrace the fact that you are in a state of motion. And the state is fluid.
P.S. Embrace yourself.
‘Pimple on My Penis'
I have a pimple in my penis. How do I get rid of it without it affecting my sex life?
Please visit a dermatologist. They will need to examine it physically to tell you how you could take care of it. This warrants a physical examination