Sexolve 315: 'My Lover Flirts With My Sister'

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer's weekly column on love, sex, and relationships.

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'My Boyfriend Kisses My A$S'

I am a 18-year-old woman. I am in a relationship since the past 2 months, I have had relations but never really went all the way. I have been wanting to go all the way all the time. I had been postponing it all the time. Is it wrong that I wanted this to be perfect. And finally when I had the man of my dreams. But the first thing that he did when we stripped is he went down.

I thought he is going for my pussy, but he turned me over and kissed my ass. I am really embarassed because that day I had eaten something and was smelly down there. I did clean myself and regularly clean myself, but you know, accidents?

I mean, there was a bit of the poo in there and my boyfriend made a huge deal of it. He told me that “you dont clean your ass” and walked out of the room. After that he has been behaving rather strange. We haven't gone beyond pressing breasts and bodyplay, he doesn't tilt me over ever and makes fun of the “accident” when I am naked and with him.

It is difficult to live with him with him bullying me on this. I wonder what our relationship holds for us. Can you guide me?

Love

Sweety

Dear Sweety,

Thank you so much for writing in.

Mostly everyone wants their first one to be good. And there is nothing wrong on you wanting your first time to be lovely.

Yes, accidents in sex happen. It is normal for bodily actions to show up while having sex. Some people burp, some fart, some people urinate and some even poop during sex. It is all natural and every person is different. Every body is different. What every body likes is different. What every body wants is different.

There are times when drops of urine may lay in your underwear, there are times when poop may stay in or eject itself during sex. In moments like that, what is needed is love and empathy and not bullying.

When we choose to be naked with someone, Sweety, it is our way of telling them - “I trust you with my body, I am uncovered and this is how I look inside. I know you will respect this body. And I choose to bare it in front of you, therefore”

And when someone cracks jokes when we are at our most indefensible, when someone bullies us when we are unable to fight… they are actually displaying their weakness and their meekness. They are showing how shallow they are.

See them for their shallowness. Tell them what you feel about them treating you this way. And if they dont listen or mend their ways. You let them stay where they are, but go beyond them and live your life.

You dont deserve to be treated with hate or be made a butt of jokes. You deserve to be respected.

Regards

RainbowMan

P.S. Please take care and take charge of your life.

'My Lover Is Flirtatious With My Sister'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28-year-old lesbian. My sister is 22 and is still understanding her sexuality. She is coming to terms with many things she is feeling and at the moment is not very sure that she is straight or poly or bi. She is totally lost… I am worried why she is lost. Also, more importantly, I have a lover. And my lover keeps flirting with my sister. My sister tells her everything that is in her mind and my lover explains to her, rather jokingly that my sister can try having sex with her to get the lesbian induction. I get pissed off when she makes that “joke”, I have not told my partner that I am pissed, because i am worried that she may accuse me of doubting her if I confront her… What should I do?

Les Behen

Dear Les Behen,

Thank you so much for writing in.

At 22, it is not surprising that your sister wants to find out where she stands in the sexuality spectrum. And spectrum it is. Yes, some people get to know when they are 12, some when they are 15 and some when they are 40 and 50 and even 80.. That they are queer.

Human beings are varied, and so are our experiences, explorations and realisations of our true selves. Age sometimes has nothing to do with it.

I am glad that your sister has you and your partners who she can seek advice from and understand that heterosexuality is not the default sexuality. It always helps to have positive out models of reference at home.

Your girlfriend may be friendly but may appear flirtatious, or may be flirtatious in reality… you will not know until you ask.

You dont need to confront the one you love, you just need to comfort her when you ask.

If I was you, I would tell her that you like the way she is bonding with your family. And then discuss with her “do you feel my sister could get a mixed message that you are flirting with her”

But you know your girlfriend better. You can choose your method and ensure that no scene is created.

Take care

RainbowMan

P.S. Ask… in your own way.,,, ASK

'Botox???'

Dear RainbowMan,

Will you recommend that I do botox in my old age?

B

Dear B

Thanks for writing in.

What you do or not do with your body is totally your prerogative. I can only request you to take the advice of a qualified medical professional before you take any decision about your body.

Be safe

Love,

RainbowMan