How Much Control is Too Much Control? The Parent-Kid Struggle Over 'Screentime'
'Control can lead to rebellion, but too little of it can lead to confusion. Kids need boundaries with freedom.'
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(*Names changed on request to protect identity)
“Mom, my classmate says she identifies as a boy. What does that mean?” asked my then seven-year-old son. I wasn't ready to have a conversation about gender identity with him at that age. But I couldn’t ignore his question—and so we talked about it.
The next day, he told me that she (her chosen pronoun) wished to use the boys’ washroom, and some of his classmates were teasing her about it.
“What did you do?” I asked him.
“I said it’s her choice and told them to stop it.”
While my son and a few other classmates did their best to understand her, there were a few who didn’t. It’s not something you expect them to know at their age.
Social media – and the internet as a whole – have altered the landscape of childhood. While parents are grappling with complex conversations much earlier than they expected to – even as they try to figure out how to raise happy, healthy, and well-adjusted kids in this new world – children don’t have it easy either.
"But he was in his room, wasn’t he? We thought he was safe, didn’t we? What harm can he do there?"
This conversation between a teenage boy's parents from the widely appreciated Netflix series Adolescence, therefore, hits home. The show talks about the vulnerability of young boys and girls as they are exposed to the infinite complexities of the online world.
That little screen in their hands is unpredictable—something which can potentially lead to behavioral disorders, explains Marilyn Correa, who heads CARE Centre at Bombay Cambridge International School.
Children are experiencing social anxiety, rejection, distress, and depression very early on, she adds.
What are They Watching?
Like most parents, my utmost priority today is my child’s mental health. How can I shield my son from the negative impacts of social media? How can I teach him to navigate the vast and often treacherous expanse of the internet? And how can I help him develop resilience and empathy so he can thrive in a world we ourselves are trying to understand?
We, as parents, are living in constant fear of what our children may watch or even learn from their peers. For instance, despite having parental controls activated on my son's YouTube, he chanced upon a dating ad when he was watching a football video.
“Is dating like the dinner dates you and I go on, mom?” he asked me.
I considered letting the conversation stall, but I addressed it none the less.
The next day, after school, he asked me, "Is Tinder a dating site?”
An older kid from his school bus told him about it, leaving me with no option but to explain it further.
Ankit Barwa (name changed), a 13-year-old who goes to school in Mumbai, told me he doesn’t understand why his parents won’t give him a smartphone when all his friends have one.
“Just because I am using the phone, or the tablet doesn’t necessarily mean I am watching content that isn’t age appropriate. I wish my parents would ease up on that a little. It's like they are constantly watching me,” says 12-year-old student Anika Desai (name changed).
But what's the right amount of control anyway?
Marilyn from CARE Centre says, “Too much control can lead to rebellion in children and too little control can lead to confusion. Children need boundaries with freedom.”
Karishma Shah, a Mumbai-based teacher and mother of two, says her 12-year-old daughter has been insisting that they get her a phone. Talking about the solution she came up with, she says, “My daughter uses my WhatsApp to stay connected with her friends—and uses my Instagram to watch videos of things she is interested in. We give her limited and monitored screen-time.”
Shubhrata Anil, a Delhi-based entrepreneur, says she allows her two sons to use an iPad which has only educational games on it, but that did not stop her then seven-year-old from questioning her, "Why am I not allowed to watch Squid Games when my classmates are?"
“There is only so much we can do—we have no control over what they learn from others,” Shubhrata says.
Cautioning against early exposure of violent content, Marilyn from CARE Centre says,
Deepti Arora, a Melbourne-based make-up artist and mother of a 13-year-old girl, chose to not give her daughter a phone. Her daughter Prisha Arora concedes with her mother's decision, saying, “I get why my parents have not given me a phone. My friends have been subjected to so much online bullying. I am happy to be away from it because I understand that it is not healthy to be on these apps.”
'What Does 69 Mean?'
As parents struggle to keep up, the most important advice from parents and therapists alike is communication.
“Today, it is important be an ask-able and approachable parent. A parent who a child can turn to first instead, before turning to their peers or the internet. If you are judgmental, then it’s a sure-shot way to shut the kids up,” says Anju Kish, founder of UnTaboo, a safety and sex education company.
But parents aren’t therapists either—or they don’t necessarily have the vocabulary to address everything. "In such a situation", says Deepti Dadlani, a therapist and mental health educator, "reassure the child that they have been heard, take a step back, equip yourself, and address it again."
But it isn't easy.
Sexuality educator Anju says she has seen a marked difference in the questions kids ask now in comparison to 2011 when she started out. "Back then, kids in grades 9 or 10 would ask us questions about condoms, sex, and porn. Today, grade 5 kids are asking these questions. The most common question grade 2 kids are asking today is what 69 means...”
My son’s friends, aged 9 to 12, were over at our place. One of the older kids said, “Let’s play this game 69 times.” All of them giggled. I later asked my son why he giggled and whether he understood what it meant.
“My friends giggled, so I did, but I have heard this before and seen the same reaction. What does it mean?” he asked.
I responded in the most age-appropriate way I deemed suitable, using the moment to reinforce that he can always talk to me about anything and not turn to the internet for answers.
Karishma was pregnant with her second child when her older daughter, just over 10 years, asked her, "Where do babies come from?"
Karishma provided a clinical explanation, offering as much information as she felt was appropriate for her daughter. Yet, her daughter's curiosity wasn't put to rest. She followed up with another question: "What about sex? Is it okay to have sex with anyone?"
Caught off guard, Karishma wasn't fully prepared, but she answered, nonetheless. "I told her that people usually have sex when they're married, to start a family. 'Of course, there's pleasure attached to it, and some people have sex before getting married. However, one has to be careful because of the risks involved'."
Karishma then went on to explain contraceptives to her daughter. “I rather have her hear from me than look up information online and feel overwhelmed,” she adds.
Deepti explains, “The primary role of parents during a conversation with a child is to be the listener, not the speaker. Parents need to understand what their child is going through.”
I explained it to him in the best possible way I could. He looked at me and said, "Can you please get married again or adopt?"
Samidha Bagwe, Head of School at Prodigy Montessori India, was approached by her then seven-year-old daughter about why her classmate had two mothers.
"I explained to her that some family dynamics are different from what we're used to seeing," Samidha recalls. "I gave her a brief explanation and told her that was all the information I could share with her for now."
‘Bullying Online is Brutal and Consistent’
Saika Amin (name changed) has been taking her 13-year-old daughter for counselling for over a year now.
“My daughter faced bullying at school for her dark complexion and heavier build. She wasn't too bothered by it until her entire class isolated her when she shared with a friend that she ‘might’ be gay,” Saika shares.
Meena Jayswara (name changed), a Mumbai- based media professional, spoke to me about her nine-year-old daughter who identified as a boy since grade one.
"I addressed it instantly by seeking help from a professional. We went through our phases of denial, acknowledgement, and acceptance. She (her chosen pronoun) was also bullied in school for it. The therapist's advice was to let her be and go with the flow. 'Don’t fight it but don’t highlight it either'," she recounts.
While she is not sure if it is a phase or a gender-identity struggle she changed her school owing to the bullying she faced.
Although the school mandates skirts as uniform for girls, they have been supportive of her decision to wear pants.
Deepti concedes that gender fluidity – and not sexuality – is now more talked about among kids. "It’s the existential crisis that has come on much younger – 'Who am I?' Within the urban population, kids as young as 11 years are experiencing it,” she says.
Sanya Arora (name changed) says, “My nine-year-old son was teased for being slightly overweight. His friends would call him 'Keso' (a plus-size YouTuber). It affected him so much that he stopped eating and went into a shell. He refused to go down to play and took to gaming instead.”
When conversations with him didn’t help, she sought help from the school counsellor who diagnosed him with mild depression. It’s been six months since, and with the help of the counsellor, who equipped the parents and the child with tools and the vocabulary to cope with it, he is doing better and slowly connecting with his friends again.
Deepti points out, “Kids today are experiencing anxiety and depression. It has come to the forefront because there is so much discussion about it—and that’s a great thing. Kids now have the vocabulary to express what they are feeling.”
Sakshi Jaiswal (name changed), a 15-year-old Delhi-based student, experienced online bullying when she posted her dance videos on social media.
“I am a trained dancer, so I decided to put some of my videos with a hope that they might catch someone’s attention, and I might get an opportunity,” she tells me.
Her videos did get attention but not the kind she hoped for. While some praised her dancing skills, many shattered her confidence by leaving comments like ‘you are ugly’, ‘dark-skinned’, ‘you look like a rat’, ‘no one will even watch you for free’, ‘fix your face first’.
She deleted her account.
Deepti explains, “The thing with online bullying is that you can hide on social media and explore your hormones of rage to a computer screen. You don’t humanise the person you are bullying. When you bully face-to-face, you humanise and may even stop. Online bullying is brutal, consistent, and penetrative.”
On Validation from External Sources
Self-validation is something I often talk to my son about. In a world where likes and comments often define self-worth, and the pressure to seek validation from others feels overwhelming, I continue to teach my son—and remind myself—the value of self-validation.
When he has a good day on the football field or does well in school, my first response is, "Are you happy? Are you proud?" I then follow it up with, "I'm so happy to see your hard work paying off. I'm proud, too."
Samidha also emphasises on the importance of self-love and teaches her daughter to prioritise her own feelings. "If what you've done makes you happy, that's enough," she says. When her daughter asks her or her husband if they like what she's done, they shift the focus back to her and ask how she feels. "I tell her to pat her own back when she's happy with what she's accomplished," Samidha adds.
Shubhrata says that the biggest challenge she faces is teaching her kids to be confident in their own skin.
How Can You Help?
“Even though children spend a lot of time in school and less time interacting with their parents, strangely enough their primary ecosystems are still home—and the secondary is school,” says Deepti.
"Early intervention is the best way," advises Marilyn. “Parents need to be aware and involved. They need to communicate with their kids in real life, and not just over WhatsApp messages. Parents need to learn how to talk to them and provide emotional support.”
Anju advises that parents use opportunities to take the lead and talk to their kids in an age-appropriate manner.
Marilyn adds that children aren’t the only one who need help. “Parents need guidance as well on how to navigate this world. We need to educate them and teachers and equip them with tools to handle the crisis we are experiencing.”
Deepti suggests that schools can try to create a panel of specialists that don’t belong to the school: An unbiased non-systemised panel.
“There will always be an Andrew Tate in this world and not just one, there will be a million. You can't stop anything from happening with the attitude of 'I need to curb something'. You need change from grassroot levels. Parents need to invest in educating themselves. They need to be curious and compassionate—it will take them through life," Deepti advises.