Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
Abused, Gay, Shunned: I Have Lost My Will To Live
Well I'm a gay guy who has a life of tragedy. My girlish behaviour made my situation worse. Everyone refused me for how I behaved. Once my friends even removed my pants to test my gender. It took days for me to overcome when my dad molested me. My pillows have consumed my tears a lot. My life is never easy. I have my life short. The guys I stare at aren't gay anyways. My love is confined, making my eyes bleed. My resilience to overcome insults and vulgar humiliation is over. My close friends accept me for who I am others betray me when I reveal myself to them. My classmates never fail to call me a pussy guy, a guy who wears panty and what not. My college life has just begun which tells me my life will be worse. Adding to that my parents are Orthodox like hell, where I have no doubt they'll literally kill me if I come out to them. Because that exactly happened when my sister said she loves a "guy" When that's her case… Think about me. I either had to live a life of regret by marrying a girl, which I can't or abandon my parent’s relatives and friends to be selfish. I'm clueless. I'm just 18 and it takes a lot to restrain myself to end my life. I'm f@cking gay who has his love, which is a "taboo" In this society.
With tears and grief,
Dear Gloomy Boy
Let me begin by giving you a very big very very hearty and very very very gay hug. I will not say that I feel you, because at some point, our empathy fails and all we are left with are words that could build a bridge between your pain and mine.
I am glad that despite life being so difficult for you, you have mustered the courage to hold your vulnerability so close to your heart and have successfully converted it to words with such clarity. This vulnerability is your strength, not weakness.
Let me drift a little and ask you if you are a student of Science?
I wanted to share the law of thermodynamics with you – energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only be transformed from one form to the other. When we are oppressed, when we are pushed to the corners with the negative energies of violence and oppression, we have the power to convert that negative energy into something most powerful – resilience.
You are stronger than what you believe. You are mightier for you have the power and the guts to transform the pain to glory. You will write your own story. You will win.
I know it is difficult at times, I know it almost seems impossible at times, but you will have to love the person you see in the mirror. Speak to that person. Re-imagine that person as someone who is full of strength.
Slowly, change your self-talk, from hopelessness to hope, from emptiness to dope.
Seek professional assistance. To ask for help is not a sign of weakness. It is in fact quite contrary; it simply means that despite the violence in your life, you haven’t stopped believing in people. Seek assistance from a good psychologist. If it makes you feel any better – let me share that I also have a psychologist who guides me with life and my challenges.
Also, do you know of any friend who you could share so openly with? Sometimes when life drowns us, we find support from the most unexpected spaces. Do reach out. I don’t know which city you live in, else id have given you names and numbers of support groups. Do write back with more details so that we could reach out to you.
I am gay too. And I agree, that many in the world do not understand that our love is valid. It is still a taboo. But love we should because to ‘love’ we are born. You are born to divinity, not sin. Your ways of loving would be different, but your love is effective. Your love is powerful. And for everyone who treats you with disdain, you will have another who loves you for who you are. Maybe, those lovers are hiding in the corner. Maybe, they fear the world. Maybe, your acceptance of your truth, will give them the courage to accept theirs too. Maybe, you will be the beacon of hope. Maybe, you would be the sign of triumph and truth. Maybe, you would take some more time to reach there. But certainly, you would reach there. Believe in the fact that good would happen, believe, when it is difficult. Believe when you find it most impossible.
While each of our experiences are unique, I am a fellow survivor too. You have lost a lot in life. A childhood filled with painful memories, is not something that could ever come back.
Things will get better. I am not a counsellor, but as a survivor of childhood rape myself, here is an imagination exercise I do, and it helps me.
I accept my abuse. When I get the thought of my younger self being abused, I allow the thought to pass through my body and mind. I don’t obstruct it. I don’t deny it. I don’t divert it. And once it’s gone, I imagine that it is some chapter in a book. I imagine that I have put the book back in the stock of books in the library. So whenever I remember the painful memories, I remove the book, I read it, and then I park it back in the shelf.
Your past is your past. It has a place. It is like that imaginary book you read from the imaginary shelf in an imaginary library. You can read it when you want. But park it back in the library. Don’t let your past creeps infringe in your present times. Let it not dictate how you would see life. Let it not make you distrust people.
There is goodness around. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
About your parents accepting your sexuality, first ensure that you complete your education. Stand in your own feet financially. So that you are not in a difficult spot if they don’t accept. You can live on your own. I am one of the founding members of a group called Sweekar which is a group of parents of LGBT persons who help other parents. If you need some intervention, we could request them to assist.
You always have a family of choice. Id love to call you family. And you would always have more people who would call you family besides your family of birth.
Things get better.
P.S. I repeat, love the person in the mirror. That person will love you back.
P.P.S. we are family
‘I Think my First GF Left Me Because of My Size’
I want to increase my penis size, while I don't have any problem while doing sex, but I think my first GF left me coz of my size, Please do suggest something that will help me.
Dear Small Problem,
I am not sure if your penis size is really small or is it your perception. I would suggest that you get yourself diagnosed by a good sexologist.
You would be delighted to learn that even if one perceives the size of their penis as small, they could feel satisfied and also satisfy their partner too by deploying love making techniques. The right position and the right posture could make a lot of difference.
Your penile length sometimes may not bring as many orgasms as the love in the art of love making can.
Regarding your partner, well, if your physical body is a reason for them to leave, she is better gone. Just say “good riddance”.
She had a place in your heart, she has left. and do not let self-doubt creep in the same space where love lived.
There are techniques to increase your penile length. However, id suggest that you visit a professional sexologist to seek advice on that. Id personally suggest that you abstain from making any surgical interventions in your body.
P.S. A little bigger heart in love making is better than the longest penis.
‘I am Male (Born Female) in Love With a Female’
I am 29 years old and a born female, but I always felt like I should have been born as a male because every part of me is behaving like a boy since my childhood. I dressed like boys, I wanted my hair short, always played a dad role in "ghar-ghar". For me boys really never exist for friendship n all. But in my teenage I found my friends getting involved with boys, which I never liked. I always wanted to talk and "flirt" with other girls in my class. In my graduation I met a girl, we became friends then best friends and now we find that we are in love with each other. After the realisation of love I was able to answer that why I was always interested in girls. But my partner(30) is still not sure about her sexuality. According to her, she was never attracted to girls before. She is afraid of the fact that if she is not sure about her sexuality, then how will she tell her parents. But we know we love each other and can't live without each other. Also my family is so so conservative that even love marriage within same caste will not be approved by them. Idk what will happen when I come out to them as lesbian. We both are still not independent. Every day I am thinking about what will happen when our family members come to know this truth because for them we are just "best friends". Further her family has also started pressurizing her for marriage. Mine would also start in a year or so. We both are in great stress.
Need urgent help. When to tell our parents about ourselves. Is it good to tell them only after we become independent because we are afraid of being disowned by our parents.
Boy in Love
Dear Boy In Love,
Just this act, of penning down what you feel for a stranger would have taken some amount of courage. Thank you for writing in.
Firstly, regarding your partner’s sexuality that she is confused about, and you who sees themselvesas a boy and to feel like a boy - let me suggest that we move out of worldy and wordy definitions of sex, gender and sexuality and understand just one thing – gender is what you define for yourself. Sexuality is what you define for yourself. It is also okay when you don’t define it. It is just okay even if you say that you are in love with another person and don’t choose to call yourself a lesbian or bisexual or any of the sexualities.
Love is a definition enough, love for oneself the way they see themselves is enough, love for another beyond who they are physically is enough. Sans definitions that confine, beyond words that define - love is love enough.
Your parents come from a different era. They have different life experiences that have shaped their mindset. Give them time to understand. Give them time to revolt against their own thoughts and accept the right thing.
It will be a good idea to stand up in your own two feet financially, and emotionally, and then come out. There is always the fear of force that our parents may apply. And when we are independent, we are stronger to stand our ground. And in some way, our parents, are also silently happy that we are independent.
Do not expect your parents to accept in a wink. Give them time. There is a parents support group called Sweekar. It is a group by parents for parents. Once you decide to come out to your parents, after you are independent, we can work at helping your parents digesting the fact that you are different, not abnormal.
P.S. Things get better. Keep the faith.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)