Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
'How Do I Leave My Second Wife'
I am a man of 64 and my wife is 40. She is my second wife and I had let go of my first wife because she was very doubtful of me. She used to think I am dating everyone I am speaking to. I left her two years back and then last year I got married to this younger woman who was 40 and unmarried. Thought I should give her a life. However, now I feel that she is behind my money. Why would a 40 year old stay unmarried then? She and I have sex. And she has a lot of sexual energy. Even when we had sex first time, she did not bleed, which makes me feel that she was not a virgin when I married her. I never asked her about this, but I know her family, and they are pretty decent. I think the flaw is with her. How do I leave her?
Dear Worried Man,
Thank you for writing in. Not everyone writes such deep and frank mails about how they feel exactly. I don’t know where I should begin. You have left your first wife because you thought she was doubting you. You then married a 40 year old person who is 24 years younger than you, very consciously, and then thought that she is indecent because she has a sex drive that is higher than yours. You also judge her loyalty and her sincerity with the intactness of her hymen.
I think, it is you who needs some serious counselling. Whether you are 16 or 60, it is a kind of unhappy situation for you when your mind is clouded with doubt all the time.
Regarding your first wife, I hope you had an amicable break up.
Regarding your second wife…
I urge you to stop judging your wife. The hymen could break due to many reasons other than sex. Also, sexual assault could be the reason. Thirdly, if she really had sex before marriage with you- so what? Didn’t you have sex before marriage with her too?
We all make choices in life.
Let me ask you this – do you want all the choices you make with people, be on the basis of your judgements of their past, or on their reality now, and your plans for a future with them.
I urge you to stop judging people. Start looking at them beyond doubt and suspicion. Maybe, just maybe, you may find a better person in the same old people.
And please don’t hesitate about speaking to a counsellor.
P.S. Stop doubting, start living.
I am a Gay Man and Scared of Anal Sex
I am a 28 year old gay man, in love with a 32 year old bisexual man. We have been in love for the past 4 months. We have never consummated our relationship. I mean we never had sexual intercourse. I mean, every time, I think of doing it, I lose my erection, or it starts hurting and complains of rectal bleeding. I feel bad that we have not been able to have sex and we have to be happy with orals and other sorts of kinky stuff but not sex as they show in porn films. I want to really ride him and do all sorts of things that they do in porn films. I have been living this fantasy of being a pornstar and I want to live it out with him. Do let me know how can I get it inside his ass?
Thank you for writing in. I am glad that you have spent 4 months with each other, I wish your relationship grows stronger and stronger with time.
Anal sex is not the only sex. The other meaning of consummation is “showing great skill and flair”. You may as well use oral sex and other kinds of sex to share your skill, flair and care with your partner.
Also, if your partner bleeds rectally, please do not hesitate to show him to a doctor.
Porn stars have several takes and retakes. They penises look bigger than average penises, and they seem to enter anuses so perfectly, sometimes just because of the camera angle.
Be your own pornstar. Give yourself a pornstar name. Maybe your partner may be willing to live your pornstar fantasy with him. Ask him. There is more that one could do in your bedrooms. Add more spice to your sex life.
P.S. Things get better with better conversations with our partners.
'My Husband Has a Dead Penis'
My husband has a dead penis. It is really dead. What can I do to bring it back to life. Is there a medicine.
Dear Dead Wife,
Thank you for writing in.
Are you trying to tell me that your husband penis doesn’t get erect? Well, you should take him to a good sexologist for a discussion.
And why do you call yourself “dead wife”? Don’t blame yourself for this. Things get better.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)