Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
Dear RainbowMan ,
I have been in a tremendous stressful situation due to a woman who is in love with me, but she is married woman and I am college student. So, this is first time I have been starting to feel like this much love and care, and now I am starting to think that there is no future for us but then also I have this feeling of being loved so much. This is not getting out of mind… if you know what I mean. It is like I will not get anyone else who will love so much. She said that we might not be together then also she will always love me but I am confused how to move on when there is someone loving you so much. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Confused Man,
I understand that love is just made of four letters, but it isn’t as simple as it sounds. It is also true that while we love to plan for love, love catches us unawares. It is a beautiful feeling. I am glad that you are experiencing the beauty of it.
The age doesn’t matter. But the situation you are in is tricky.
Love is a commitment. Sometimes, love seeks a definite structure. Love is sometimes a polymorph.
You visualise your relationship with her in some definite shape and structure. You seek love in a form and with a future. She doesn’t. The sooner you understand this, the better it will be for you.
You have love from her, congratulations on that. However, she is being practical when she is telling you that this relationship has a present but no future. She may keep loving you, isn’t it sweet that things don’t end in a bitter way, but in a way that love stays on even after the relationship doesn’t.
Love is strength… let it lead you. Let it take you to new frontiers and help you love more people. Let it not become your weakness.
Please visit a counsellor if it gets too difficult.
(All the above advice is based on the presumption that you are legally an adult)
I am Looking for a 3-Way Relationship
I am a 20-year-old girl in love with a guy. We have been in a relationship for the past 2 years. I never wanted to marry him and I knew that we will part ways when education takes us to different places. Considering that we will see other people after we grow into our professions, we decided that we will keep this open. He had a few flings. I had a few flings. We shared about it without feeling much jealous. (Or rather little jealous but not expressed much). The issue is that I fell in love with one of my flings – a woman. (Did I tell you that I am bisexual? ) Now my boyfriend has left me to pursue studies. My girlfriend stays with me as a roomy and we are in love. But I love my boyfriend. I pane for my boy. I wonder if there is a way that we all 3 could live and love together. Is there some way? I don’t want to make choices?
Dear Three’s company,
Thank you for writing in. I know that at that age you have many matters you need to take to heart, and matters of the heart assume priority too. I’m glad that you are lucky, two times over.
You are young, but young people are capable of incredible love. Just as everyone else is. So expect no belittling here.
It is true that the young have risk taking ability in terms of education and relationships. Bad analogy, maybe. But it is like choosing a shoe. They can wait till they realise which shoe fits them well, and which shoe gives them no shoe bite.
You have embarked in a journey with two individuals. Listen to your heart, but think from your mind. Plan your future, but be present in your present. Where is your present? Your present is in the fact that your boyfriend is far away and your girlfriend is with you.
Do you want to pine for the one who isn’t with you, rather than celebrating the one who is with you now? If distance is inevitable, the fact that you are in two different cities is inevitable, then will acceptance of this help?
I am no one to judge that a three-way relationship between you guys is possible or not. I can definitely tell you that three-way relationships need consent of all three partners and some strict ground rules so that there is less of jealousy and more of love.
You love your boyfriend. You love your girlfriend. But does your boyfriend love your girlfriend too? These are questions that you will need to seek answers for.
I'd only suggest that you should live in your present and life will get better if you accept that somethings are inevitable – like geographic distances, like relationships not turning out the way you expected them to.
P.S. Your feelings are valid. Irrespective of what your sexuality is.
I Want to Masturbate More Often
How do I do masturbation 3 times in a day. I am able to do one time only, my friends do 3 times. How can I increase my frequency?
Dear Baar Baar,
Thank you for writing in.
This is no Olympic match. You get no medals. You don’t need to compete.
Your body is different. Your feelings are different. Your libido is different.
Masturbate when you are sexually excited, not just because you have to. Don’t overdo things just because someone else is.
P.S. It’s your penis, not a gram
I just got married, but I realised that sex is kinda boring.... What do I do I don't wanna go back to sleeping with any if my exes.
Married and Unhappy
Dear Unhappily Married,
Thank you for writing in.
There are several aspects to enjoying a pleasurable sexual life. The more you explore the more you learn. There are immense number of positions that can be used to titillate yourself and your partner. There are role plays that you could engage in.
Keep at it. Consult a good sexologist. And never lose love, respect for your partner. Don’t make them feel low. Respect their consent.
Sex is like grammar. The syntax adds meaning to love and relationships.
Also, please have lots of conversations with your partner. Lure each other in pursuits other than sex also. It will help build the context for your relationship.