(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'I Am an Intersex Person Who Was Operated on as a Kid.'
I am a 28 year old intersex person who is love with another person. I am struggling because I think I am impotent.
Also, I was born with ambiguous genitals. I had a penis and a vagina and since all of them wanted a boy, I was operated upon and made into a boy. There was no other reason or any threat to life to do that.
Over the past 20 years, I have only been living a life that my parents ordered for me. Until I found the love of my life. He is a man. My parents say that they are okay with homosexuality. They are really cool parents. They love me.
However, I am not a man. I don’t think this is a homosexual relationship. I am in a heterosexual relationship. I think of myself as a woman.
"I am a woman. I am not someone who my parents think I am. I am who I know I am. I am tired RainbowMan."
I am really tired being so many things for so many people. I want to just be me. I want to transfer my gender and become female. I fear though. I fear so much that I will lose everything.
My friend wants me to forgive my parents, I don’t think I want to forgive. But I am scared that one day, I will lose my parents who wanted a boy, I will lose my boyfriend who is love with a boy. My past is painful.
I somehow hate my parents sometimes. I am unable to forgive them. The stakes are high. I am not able to decide what I want anymore.
Though I know what I want. Please please please I don’t know if I sound stupid or silly or horrible but the fact that this is anonymous and that I can send you a mail from a fake ID I am able to tell you something clearly.
I am sorry if this wasted your time. I am wasting everyones time. I am horrible. Please I am horrible. I don’t know what to do.
Thank you for writing in.
Trust, like courage is built when we are pushed to the corners where light doesn’t shine.
Thank you for the courage to write in. And thank you for the trust.
One cannot ask you to forgive. That’s no one’s business but yours. One can however suggest how they dealt with storms of their past.
What I am going to share with you now is personal. And I am sharing this because what could move us more than our own stories.
You know, there was a time when everyday I would wish that I could go to the past and make my actions, reactions and everything right. I wish that I could rewrite my story.
I used to be very bothered about the fact that I cant change anything, but then at some point I discovered that I have the power to engineer my today and my tomorrow. I do this active visualisation exercise that I can share with you/.
When I get the thought of the painful parts of my past, I imagine myself in a library with several books, which are chapters of my past. I imagine me opening the book of a painful memory and reading it.
I imagine the library, the stock of books, the smell of books and me picking this one up. I imagine reading my own past story and feeling every emotion.
I feel hurt, disgust, anger, happy and the entire gamut of emotions. And then when I am done feeling, I imagine me putting the book back in the library.
We cant forget our past, however, should start admitting that our past is our past
I know that you are thinking about all the possibilities that fail – your boyfriend not accepting you, your parents being pissed off, your anger showing up.
I want you to take a pause. A quiet pause. Feel all the emotions. But give yourself a moment to feel everything. Allow yourself to shout, to scream and also breakdown.
Please don’t hesitate in taking the assistance of a good mental health professional who could assist you with this journey through your acceptance and how it plays out.
Your gender is what you know you it is. Your gender is not what others assume it is. People who love you, will respect and love you irrespective of what your gender or gender expression is.
Why waste time in assuming what could go wrong when actually much much could go right.
P.S. Your journey into being your true authentic self is the most important journey. Everything else, is secondary.
'I Think My Boyfriend Is Cheating on Me'
I am a 30 year old woman and I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. We have been together for 5 years.
He is not talking to me properly since quite sometime. He comes home late. He shouts for no reason.
He also smells different. I wonder whats wrong if not an affair.
Thank you for writing in.
The fear of fear sometimes is greater than the fear itself.
Sometimes we are led by the imagination of what could go wrong. And sometimes, it may be a wise idea to have an open conversation with him.
For every relationship, we need to reassess the relationship and thereby understand what changes/upgrades it needs.
Have a conversation and see where it takes the relationship. Maybe, one just needs a vacation or there is some deepdiving into things that are going awry. Either ways, it needs a conversation. A deep conversation.
Decide your future course regarding this relationship post the conversation.
Wish you good luck.
P.S. Don’t hesitate speaking to a counsellor.
'I Have Three Testicles.'
I think I have three testicles. Can this be true. Does that mean I have more sperm?
Thank you for writing in.
Please get your body examined physically by an endocrinologist/sexologist. Any advice would need physical examination by a qualified professional.
P.S. Don’t delay.