(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'My Boyfriend Thinks That I Am Cheating'
I am a divorcee and 32. My then husband was having an affair with another woman and ours was an arranged marriage… so you get the story. I was actually not devastated when he left me. There was no love, I would have opted out of the marriage myself if he didn’t leave me.
I stayed single for a while then started dating. I fell in love with this cute man who loves me immensely. I have lost the respect for the institution of marriage so I would rather not marry, yet be committed. The problem is that my ex husband has spread the word that I cheated on him. It was his way of hiding that it was he who actually cheated on me.
I didn’t give a f!3k to what he was saying. It didn’t matter to me what people thought about me. I was always a strong willed woman and peoples opinions didn’t matter to me. The only things that matter to me are the loved ones around me. The issue is exactly there.
Somewhere my boyfriend has heard about these rumours and has quizzed me to check if I have cheated at least 3 times in the past 3 years. He has asked me things like “honey have you popped another cherry”. “do you feel like having sex with other people” and more things.
This is evident thus that he wants to know more about who I sleep with and if I sleep with anyone else other than him. I have never ever been in a situation where I cheated or thought about cheating. I need to be respected for that. I feel angry.
Thank you for writing in.
There should be no shame in saying that we have broken up. There should be no shame in divorce.
I am glad that you have embarked on the journey post divorce despite the huge stigma that people who get divorced are subjected to. It is really no one’s business but yours to decide the course of your life and your journey.
Regarding your ex. He is an ex for some reason right?
Your present boyfriend has a responsibility – to believe in you rather than the whistling rumor mills. But truly, we have no control over people who love us. We have no control on what people say, or what people think, we just have control on how we could feel about it.
It is time now that you confront your boyfriend. Ask him what has been cooking in his head. Tell him that you value honesty over doubt, and love over gossip. Tell him what you want from the relationship with him. Tell him what you expect of him in this relationship. Tell him about boundaries and your beliefs and gossips that you wouldn’t want him to believe. Speak out, frankly and unabashedly.
Give him a dose of your feelings, your expectations, your true self. Don’t fear that you may lose him, because if this state continues, you will feel worse.
Also do not hesitate visiting a counsellor.
P.S. Respect over love or just love and no respect or love and respect – you decide.
'My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want Me Looking at Other Men'
I am a 28 year old man in love with a 43 year old. He doesn’t want me to look at other men. I like looking at other men. I am okay if he tells me not to date other men. I like that he is possessive. But how can I not look at other men. Please help me. I don’t want my relationship to fail. But I do admire more men
Thank you for writing in.
There is a difference between setting boundaries and being restrictive. It is okay if you both have decided that you both would be exclusive with each other. But to not look or not get attracted is like expecting that you will not smell the scent of another handsome man around.
Attraction is a universal thing. You cant confine that feeling. However you can define what as a couple, you decide to do with the attraction.
Think you should be honest about what you feel with your boyfriend. Tell him exactly how you feel. Define what are the boundaries you and he agree to.
If things don’t get better. It might be a good idea to suggest to your boyfriend to see a counsellor.
P.S. Speak to him
'I Want to Increase My Stamina'
How do I increase stamina in sex? Can I eat medicines that are available in the chemist counter?
Dear Horny Man,
Thank you for writing in. I don’t know what you mean by “medicines”, but yes we have a lot of over the counter product advertisement at chemists. Because people feel shy asking for it, they put it there so that people can point and ask.
I strongly suggest that you speak to a doctor before consuming anything.
PS. Visit a sexologist