(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'Looking for Love'
I am just 18, but all my friends in my class have girlfriends and boyfriends, I feel lonely. I am cute and sexy and charming, people tell me, but then why am I single. Do you know any space where I can find a boyfriend or girlfriend. How do people find love… how did you find love… please help?
Boy In Search of Love
Ohh! Teenage, the joy and the pain of it!
Thanks for sharing your angst and your wants with me. I am glad that you are able to verbalize it. I know the pressures of love. I have been there too. I know how awkward it feels to be the only single person in a group full of couples.
I was single until the age of 31. I had crushes aplenty. I had one sided love affairs too. And sex – too. But relationship was only at 31. I spent a lot of my adult life before 31 on questions like – “Don’t I deserve a boyfriend too”. But then when love happened after that long wait, it swept me off my feet. My first love affair didn’t last for long, but I did experience it.
I wondered if there was something wrong with me that people don’t fall in love with me… but eventually I realized that it was the opposite. People got intimidated by my persona and thought I would not be interested.
Give yourself time. Give yourself the heart. Give yourself the belief that there will be love knocking your door one day.
And when it comes, it will knock you down in the most lovely of ways.
Till then, hold on to your faith. Keep believing in yourself. Keep loving, and someday, you will be loved back more profoundly.
P.S. Love comes to us who believe in love.
'I Think People Don’t Like Me Fat'
I am fed up with life. My family is obsessed with my weight. My friends ask me questions like – can I see my own dick because I have a tummy in between. My mother told me that she is ashamed of my weight and I need to reduce. I am fed up. I am 28 years old.
I was slim and trim and handsome till around 6 years back, then I started putting on weight in my hips and then the rest of my body. I am now 97 KGs and I am just 5 feet 5 inches tall. People have made a lot of fun of me.
My father is no more and my mother once angrily told me that I have two human beings in one body and that my fathers weight is added to my weight. I am fed up. I am really fed up of life. I don’t know what to do.
I tried all weight loss things, I tried foods that will reduce weight. I drink aloe vera. I feel so different, so hated so disgusted… sometimes I wish I could cut the extra flesh off my body. I am thinking even you would say “self love” and love your parents and other bullshit. But then I thought I should write to you and check at least. What you have in mind. Please help.
Thank you for writing in. I read your mail and could also read the absolute disrespect that people have shown you and your body.
The relationship doesn’t matter. No one should be slim shamed or fat shamed ever and never to a point that they start hating their own body.
I know I could write to you paeans on self-love and ask you to love yourself, but I would rather tell you that I am listening. I am here. I am listening.
I will not belittle your pain by justifying those who apparently love you. I know sometimes loved ones take liberties and they say awful things. But when they say nasty things it reflects about their character. They should also be the first to apologise, especially when they know that it is hurting you really bad.
It doesn’t matter if its your life partner or your parent. To bully someone, you love is not an act of love.
I used to be really thin once upon a time, now I am told I am really fat. I realized over time, that I can only be real to the experience of acceptance of my body. I can be “really” whatever to everyone else, I don’t really really really care.
It took me time to reach there. I took help from a counsellor. I speak to a counsellor now every second week. Speaking to her gives me an outlet to my frustrations. Most times, I am just speaking to her and she is just listening. Every time words flow out of my words, some of my tension does too.
Do you want to try counselling too? It helps when we empty our minds to someone who will speak to us without any judgement.
Wish you good luck.
P.S. Speak to a counsellor of your choice? Quickly???
'Finding Masseurs on Grindr. Are They Safe?'
I have not had sex for sometime and want to have sex. I don’t know if you will judge me… but I don’t want to expose myself to everyone on grindr but just get a sex worker home and get done with it. Are they safe?
Sex Starved Bottom
Dear Sex Starved Bottom,
Thank you for writing in.
When we invite any stranger home, there is definitely some element of threat.
Here are a few things you should do, if you are certain you are getting a stranger home.
Have a proper discussion with them about what the expectations are and what is the deal. Keep a copy of that on your email as well. (mail yourself a screenshot)
Please keep someone in your vicinity informed that you are having a date. Keep that number on SOS.
Tell the stranger that your parents are just away and will be home in half an hour. Do not reveal that you are alone through the night.
Ensure that the person who is with you isn’t recording the act.
Of course – use condoms.
P.S. Yes, It is risky.