Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'Have I Landed in a 3 Way Relationship?'
I am in a relationship with my boyfriend. He lives in chennai, I am in Mumbai. When I was in chennai with him, we, one day found a friend. He was a gay friend of mine from school. We went along and played along and we felt like family. All three of us. I had to soon move to Mumbai during the lockdown, our friendship was just building up and all 3 of us were thick as friends. We, the couple, and he our gay friend. I came back here and my boyfriend and I would have long chats on the phone.
After a while though, things started to get little distant literally. Our phone calls became less and less and their pictures together started to surface in Instagram together. One day, my gay friend called me and told me that he has the hots for my boyfriend. And that they kissed once. They both were really close, lying down together, eating together, watching movies together. Yesterday I spoke to my boyfriend and he told me he also loves our gay friend.
My gay friend was asking me if it is okay for him to proceed with loving my boyfriend, I said I have no problem. At that moment, I really thought this would work out – all 3 of us… and I also thought even if I don’t agree to this, my horny boyfriend would have definitely boned my best friend.
So thought it would be good to give my consent.They both did get horny and now I know that this is almost a 3 way relationship except that I am not f!@king my gay friend. I wonder what I should do. Did I make a mistake? How do I keep my boyfriend all for myself and me too. I feel cheated by my boyfriend and my best friend.
Dear Lost Girl,
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Love is such a complicated thing naa? We all would want to be as simple as an I Love You, but when humans are associated with anything, it is not simple, and add sex and emotions to the mix, it is never ever simple then.
I am glad that you have come to a point where you are able to articulate what you are going through – all the emotions and feelings – so well.
Your gay friend had feelings for your boyfriend, your boyfriend had feelings for your gay friend. They both were honest to you about what they were feeling for each other. Your gay friend even called you up for your consent before he proceeded further. Though you may not like the outcome now, they did take your consent at every step.
Sometimes when we are not okay about something, we should communicate it loudly and clearly. Because then, we will be able to nib it in the bud.
Now, I understand that much water has flown under the bridge. Your boyfriend and your best friend are now seemingly in a relationship. I urge you to be truthful to yourself.
Cross your heart, and tell yourself – what you want from this relationship with your boyfriend. And are you okay with the triangular arrangement. Don’t like to yourself. If your answer is that you are not okay – then communicate that clearly with both of them on the same call.
I said, have both of them on the same call because you wouldn’t want either of them to assume anything beyond your true intent.
Be honest with yourself and be honest with others. You may love both of them, but your first love affair should be with yourself.
I wish you love and good luck.
P.S. Clear the air. Face the truth of your emotions.
'No Sex Under My Roof': Parents
My parents are not agreeing to understand that I want to have sex with my boyfriend in my house like they have sex with each other. Last week, my boyfriend was home and my parents caught us “red handed” – they used that word, as if, we have done something like a crime. They are accepting of my sexuality and all that, but they are not really open. They said that I shouldn’t be doing this in the house. How do I make them understand.
Dear Gay Man,
Thank you for writing in.
I have an inkling about where you are coming from.
I was with my partner in my room and my mother has walked in one us in different stages of undressing and lovemaking many times. I have a funny incident to share with you – once my father told my mother – they both are in the bedroom that’s alright – but they both bathe together – that’s too much. In his head, he thought that bathing is too explicit than just lying down and boning in the bedroom.
Love, acceptance comes at different levels. And love comes in different shades.
Whether we like it or not, our parents belong to a different era, and a different age. They may be accepting, but they cannot feel what you and I feel.
But they are trying, give them time. They will also understand that making love is also a form of love.
Don’t rush them in. Don’t rebel. Don’t tell them unsavory things. They cannot stop you from having sex. However, maybe, you need to be a little discreet about having sex and possibly go out on a vacation with your boyfriend and make loads of love to his body and mind.
P.S. things get better
'Where Are the Gay Men!'
Do you know of any websites or Aps where I can find fellow gay men.
There are many aps.
You can download Tinder or Grindr or Bumble and meet queer locals in your area.
You could join Yaariyan, GayBombay and other groups on Facebook. You could also find them on Instagram. If you tell me which city you are in, I can direct you to queer people and organisations in your city.