Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
I am unable to match my wife’s sexual appetite
Dear Rainbow Man,
I am a 55 year old man and my wife is 52. We have been happily married and also have been enjoying a very fulfilling sex life. The issue is not about sex, but a lot of it. I mean, my wife has too much appetite for sex. She used to want it, once or thrice a day, some days, now she wants it to happen every day. It is scary, because I am unable to match her desires. I am unable to tell her because it feels way too much to tell her anything. Also, I fear what would she think of me. I mean, I feel a little awkward. Do let me know what I should do. Is it odd that at the age when we retire we are still “active”?
Thank you for writing in. It gives me pleasure to read that you are having a wonderful relationship with your partner. There is no reason why you should feel guilty about it. There needn’t be any retirement age for love. Making love is just a part of love.
I am sure you would agree that there is always an unruly duet when two hearts sing the same song, but in different tunes.
I wonder why we get silences to speak louder than what words could express. There could come a time, when you would be so quiet about being uninterested, that your actions would speak. And in my honest opinion, we shouldn’t let actions speak when words could bridge gaps. Please don’t let gaps get any wider.
Let us speak to the ones we love about what comforts us, let us also not forget to express our disinterests and discomforts.
Those who love us, will understand. Maybe they would take time, but they would need more conversations, more persuasions, more explanations of the present situation, but they would understand eventually or at least, accept the fact that there are differences in appetite for sex here.
Please speak up. Please express.
P.S. Conversations open the possibility of you being led on to a better road. Staying quiet doesn’t change your route.
I am a woman striving to keep the spark alive
Dear Rainbow Man,
I am 36 year old woman struggling with keeping the spark alive in my sex life. My husband always has this complain that I never initiate sex. I am not lacking of sex drive and completely cooperate with him....but somehow cannot take the lead.
I do enjoy sex and I have my share of orgasm as well. I do agree that as a couple we have never discussed this topic apart from blaming sometimes during fight. What can I do to liven our sex life which is the only thing lacking in our marital life? Please don't suggest role-play ... We have a five year old at home and no backup to take care of him.
Dear Ms Seeking Answers,
Thank you for writing in.
As time passes, our expressions sometimes change. Sometimes, familiarity breeds contempt. Same methods, same ambience, same familiar settings tend to make things a tad too boring at times for people. We need to sometimes keep trying new ways, some innovative, some tried-and-tested to rekindle the flame. This is not just true for sex, but for everyday life in itself.
There is much more to sex than just peno-vaginal coitus. While there is the use of the hand, oral sex, feet and other things that one could try depending on the desires shared by the couple.
If you can’t travel outside because of your child. If no role plays, then maybe get the mood and setting to play a new role? Try to change the settings of your house. Change the ambience a little. Change the lights to suit your mood. Sometimes we need to get innovative with sex, sometimes we need to innovate the settings for sex.
Also, give yourself sometime. Empower your relationship with conversations. Don’t bring up sex in fights. Discuss what you feel, feel what you discuss.
Hope things get better.
P.S. Comfort, not confrontation
I have a small penis
Dear Rainbow Man,
I have a small penis. I try to pull it longer every time when I get an erection, this has not increased my length. Will it result in bad sex when I get married. Why?
Dear Little Man,
First things first, do not try pulling it longer, it doesn’t increase the length of your penis.
I don’t know what is ‘small’ according to you, however, I can tell you that it is not the length, but the method that matters more in sex.
P.S. No pulling please.
Dear Rainbow Man
I am a 30-year old man. I am facing the biggest crisis in my life as, I am going to get married. My brief background would make it clear. When I was around 9, my female cousin (around the same age) and I used to sleep together. On one such occasion, her hand accidentally touched my thigh and felt something bulging. She asked me what it was. In my childly enthusiasm I opened my shorts and all that she saw was my erect penis. She got excited and started rocking it saying she has been able to see my 'shame-shame'. Later, in the same excitement she told all this to her mother as though it were some achievement on her part! For this, both of us got a good spanking with a warning that it is indeed shameful for boys and girls to see the 'shame-shame' of one another. As I grew older, I saw the same notion being reinforced in various situations. But the situation I am going to get into, demands that the shameful be considered desirable – all in the name of sex!
And till now I have no idea how a grown-up girl / young lady reacts on seeing a penis. Pray tell me whether she would feel shameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock at my shame-shame.
How do I even hope to face the 'blasphemous' prospect of her having to touch it with her hand ? I do not see any escape from the situation I find myself in. I would feel 'extremely' relieved if I am able to have a response.
Dear Curious Man,
Incidences of childhood if accompanied with negative reactions may sometimes leave a long impact in our minds. It takes courage and a lot of effort to share such memories, so thank you for trusting me with this.
The feeling of guilt is not a feeling that you would be happy to take along with you throughout life. I suggest that you seek assistance from a professional psychologist in travelling through this journey from guilt to guilt-free living.
It will be nice if we begin by acknowledging that we have fears about the future and then seek someone who is a professional to help us with formulas to assist us on this.
Your relationships, including sexual relationships could be enjoyable and nice. Things get better with time.
P.S. Take an appointment with a counsellor soon, please
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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