Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
"I Felt Possessive When Men Looked at My Wife With Lust, but It Also Turned Me on’
I am a 37-year-old person happily married for over 12 years. Throughout these 12 years, we have had a good sexual relationship. But very recently, I have started to face a serious issue of my mind having inner and outer conflicts. My wife wore a sleeveless top once and due to my possessiveness I resisted it. But later I permitted the same. But at a marriage function, along with her cousins she wore a transparent sari, it was backless, sleeveless, and exposed her stomach and cleavage. Even though I showed my anger outside to her, but in the bed that day, she teased me. She teased me with how others were looking at her. How many men stared at her. It was true, that many men looked at her with lust. But that night her teasing made my mood and we had a wild kind of sex. It was a sudden shift in my mind. Now the feeling of exposing her makes my inner mind happy. I think it's a conflict between my inner mind and the outer mind. I have discussed the same with my wife but was not able to get a solution. One of my close friends to whom I discussed this matter told me to be more spiritual to get rid of this mindset as he said, it's my mind beginning to become a cuckold.
I just want to know, why I am expressing something outside and enjoying inside. Please also guide me further on what I should do.
Dear Worried Husband,
Thank you for writing in about your conflicts. Jealousy and possessiveness are not positive feelings and everyone shies to admit they feel the same. Glad that you express them so eloquently.
We look for some amount of attractiveness in our partners. We want them to be full of love, grace, charm and compassion.
We need to accept though — that what we love and admire, could be admired by others too.
Put your hand in your heart and tell me – haven’t you ever admired a woman other than your wife? Why do you expect that other men would not be doing the same? And how is it wrong – as long as it remains in the mind and in the confines of decency – and is not translated in action as letching or any other inappropriate behavior.
It is also true that sometimes jealousy and possessiveness make us express more sexually to please our partners in order to win their love and attention. Again, let this be done with kindness and not hate. Let’s eventually get to a stage where we love people for who they are, and the value they bring to our lives including our sexual lives. Jealousy needs to be replaced by acceptance.
I don’t know much about inner minds and outer minds. I can definitely tell you that we need that you should not mind, because you can’t actually control when your partner appears in someone else’s mind.
Give yourself some time off. Go out on a vacation. Let both, your inner and outer mind, breathe. Over time, you would have to work on thoughts and get them to move from jealousy to appreciation. Id love my partner’s looks to be appreciated by others. That’s not a cuckold thing. That’s a love thing.
Your wife should wear what she wants to. You should wear what you want to. And if she finds more admirers or you do, you may want to discuss with each other and find ways of accepting each other better as you grow prettier and kinder by the day. I am happy that you both are discussing. I wish you do that more.
P.S. Love grows with sharing.
‘I Wish to Have Proper Intercourse’
I have been married for 4 months now but till date, my wife and I are unable to have proper sexual intercourse as she is often not interested in it and says she finds it painful. Also, I have got a problem. I am suffering from premature ejaculation. Kindly help. I am looking forward to your response.
Dear Hubby Jaan,
Thank you for writing in with such intimate details.
Sex is beyond sexual intercourse. There is foreplay, there is cunnilingus, there is fellatio, there are many other things that can constitute ‘sex’ other than sexual intercourse.
Regarding sexual intercourse, I suggest that you both use a lot of lubrication to ease the pain part. Regarding premature ejaculation, I have heard that retract at the point of orgasm, wait and then begin again. You may be able to delay ejaculation with the same.
Please don’t hesitate visiting a sexologist if need arises.
P.S. Take time off. Maybe, another honeymoon?
I Have a Big Penis
I have a big penis and bigger testicles when they enlarge. You know, whenever I see boobs, it becomes big for boxers also and I cannot control it. When it becomes big, it is noticeable. I mean, it is seen outside. The outline is seen. It becomes very embarrassing. Friends make fun of me. How do I control this?
Dear Big Man,
Thank you for sharing your challenges so openly.
Penises have a mind of their own. They expand at the most awkward moments and sometimes even disappoint at the most excitable situations. Restrict his movement.
How you position your penis inside your underwear could be the issue. The penis usually tilts to the left. You could try positioning it in a way where it stays there. Another good aid could be a good V-shaped underwear. The boxer one would actually make it difficult for you as your penis could be too much in gay-abandon.
Thoda empathy towards your willy. Arrest him and don’t allow him to be all silly.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)