Author’s Disclaimer: When I was a teenager, all my school boyfriends would scoff at their girlfriends for reading Mills & Boon (although secretly, many would scan a chapter or two to figure out how amorous they could get with them). We were macho boys, so we read James Hadley Chase. But I guess it’s a sign of ripening – the “I couldn’t give a damn what you think” strength that comes with old age – that today I can say, without a qualm, that I have enjoyed watching all three seasons of Emily in Paris. It’s Mills & Boon raised to the exponential power of Netflix, but who cares, it’s terrific candy that my failing eyesight is happy to binge on.
What follows is a fictional, satirical take on a purported Season Four, titled Emily in Ahmedabad!
“Enthu” Patel is a hyper-successful Indian American native of New Jersey. Even he has forgotten his first name, given to him lovingly by his Gujarati parents. As a bright, bouncy kid (is that when the pet name “Enthu” got stuck to him?), he went to the best school money could buy in Ahmedabad. Since he was petrified of joining his large family-owned diamond business, he booked a quick ticket to Boston, graduating summa cum laude at MIT and Harvard.
Unsurprisingly, he launched a very coveted AI (artificial intelligence) company. Enthu was f@#$&* (i.e., filthy) rich, and in love with Lily Collins.
Aa kone che? Who is this Lily Collins? If you were foolish enough to ask this question, you triggered an Enthu monologue, in mixed Gujarati and English, that could last several minutes, if not hours:
“What! You don’t know Lily Jane Collins? She was born in Guildford, Surrey, to the legendary British musician Phil Collins and American Jill Tavelman, a Beverly Hills aficionado. When her parents divorced, the six-year-old Lily became an LA kid. And you know what, she’s a fellow Harvard alumnus."
"She also studied broadcast journalism at USC. She was only two when she starred in Growing Pains, a BBC sitcom. Her first box office success was The Blind Side, a sports drama. Her last big-screen film, Mank, was an Oscar-nominated 2020 release. But she really hit the pay dirt with Emily in Paris. She’s such an optimistic, quirky, beautifully naive, supremely intelligent, innocently seductive, impeccably fashionable…." (by now you, the listener, had lost track of Enthu’s besotted, rambling eulogy).
Sensing that Enthu was close to wrapping up, you had to drag your attention back to his words: “And if you thought Lily is a bimbo, na bilakula nahi. She’s authored Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me. Just look at what she says in the book: 'Forgiving myself is just as important as forgiving others. The quirky things that make you different are what make you beautiful …' Wah, tethi budhishali."
That’s how Enthu’s monologue would invariably end.
Why Rome? Why Not Ahmedabad?
Enthu was mighty intrigued when President Macron of France and Mayor Gualtieri of Rome squabbled like kindergarten kids when Emily ended Season Three by moving to Rome. “We will fight hard. And we will ask them to remain in Paris! Emily in Paris in Rome doesn’t make sense”, cried Macron, because apparently, 38% of tourists to Paris said Emily inspired them. “Doesn’t President Macron have more pressing matters to worry about? To be honest, we think Mr Macron should just relax”, retorted Gualtieri.
Predictably, Enthu Patel, a big fan of Prime Minister Modi, was thrilled when India submitted its Letter of Intent to host the 2036 Olympics in Ahmedabad. Suddenly, Enthu had a brain wave.
If Macron and Gualteiri could fight so energetically for Emily, imagine the impact on Ahmedabad’s global standing if he could get Emily to his native town? Whoa, Enthu would surely get the big Modi hug if he pulled this one off, wouldn’t he?
Kem Cho, Swagat Che Emily in Ahmedabad (Season Four)
Excited, Enthu rigged up a video call with the big joint family back home to “dip stick” his brainwave. But he almost toppled over with the shrill blast of counter-ideas from a myriad collection of cousins, aunts, and uncles.
Masi: "Just promise me that in the very first episode, Emily will keep a nine-day fast through Navratri, ok? Only vegetarian food, and no wine shine. I will personally select the best Surat silk sarees for her, and sajao her pooja ki thaali. Ae Enthu, you must convince her to cover her head with a full ghunghat through the prayers, ok? If she doesn’t do that, I will not let her enter Ahmedabad."
Mama: "Not only Navratri, but Emily will also have to learn garba and dandiya raas. And we will not allow her to dance with that black boyfriend of hers. We will get her a good gora Gujarati chhora, not to worry. Also, if her other boyfriend wants to open a Michelin-star restaurant here, then I have two conditions. The main dish will be a vegetarian locho, ghari, and Surati khaman, ok? I will allow meat to be served, but not on Tuesdays, ok?"
Mota bhai: "Not just garba, she will also have to learn bhavai, for the episode set in the big religious fair of Maa Ambaji. And another episode must be shot in Madhavpur, where Emily will play Devi Rukmini. Don’t worry, I will get a big Hindu star like Hrithik to play Lord Krishna. Netflix has big budgets for this show, na?
Pitr kaka: All of this is good, but yesterday I saw an Instagram clip. Arre baap re, Emily wears such short skirts, I can see almost her full leg. In one scene, I could see her bare shoulders and bra straps. Chhi chhi. Now all of this cannot be allowed in maru Gujarat.
Enthu stood shell-shocked. These were his rich relatives wearing Gucci, Lacoste, and Calvin Klein. But behind this modern veneer, they were still deeply, pedantically conservative.
The more things change in India, the more they stay the same. Time seems to move forward yet is frozen in the past.
Enthu shut the call, quickly abandoned all illusions of getting Lily/Emily to Ahmedabad and made peace with Rome in Season Four. As for the Olympics in 2036, good luck, Ahmedabad!