Dear Fathers, You Can Be Our Secret Weapon to Smash the Patriarchy

It’s time to give the father-daughter relationship some political heft, writes Priya Ramani.

Deepak Yadav shot his 25-year-old daughter Radhika Yadav because he was apparently mocked for living off her income.

(Photo: Vibhushita Singh/The Quint)

Dear Indian fathers,

Every day there is a new and gruesome way in which your daughters are killed. As I think of what I’m going to write without you calling me someone who’s ‘playing victim’ and abusing me in the comments section, a daughter is being killed by an intimate partner or family member somewhere in the world.

Eleven minutes. That is the interval between our murders, UN Women said in 2022.

Even amid these brutal statistics, Indian fathers have hall of infamy status. You think of daughters as sub-human. We are property, something that can be discarded, sold, beaten, controlled, locked up at home and/or raped—by you or anyone else. One teenage athlete in Kerala was raped by 64 men over a period of six years—they were neighbours, coaches, father’s friends.

Of Fathers and Daughters

Any success, joy, or confidence we display terrifies and angers you. We must stay out of sight, our volume low or off. In a modern-day twist to Abhimaan, that 1973 classic of a jealous singer whose manhood shrivels up because people prefer his wife’s voice to his, Deepak Yadav, a father just like you, shot his 25-year-old daughter Radhika because he was apparently mocked for living off her income.

Other stories swirling around this murder point to a father who was enraged because he lost control of his property (Radhika). Newslaundry reported that an angry male relative said, “Yes, he killed her, because he has the right over his daughter.”

Many of you are relieved when you finally pay that dowry (the majority of you still follow this illegal practice) and band-baaja us out of your house. It’s not your responsibility if we can’t stay safe or even alive in our ‘new home’, right?

By the time I finish writing this piece, two daughters have died of dowry-related violence. Some 17-20 of us die this way every single day, according to official data. But what do you care? You don’t know the first thing about developing an emotional bond with your girl.

But #NotAllMen.

My father never used violence or coercion to communicate with me and nurtured all my dreams. My husband models feminist fatherhood daily for our daughter. And it’s fathers on this spectrum that I’m addressing in this letter. It’s time to speak up. To stand with the daughters. Reframe mardangi and be the ally all of us need.

For inspiration, look no further than the fathers of many successful women athletes. They are the pioneers who shrugged off societal gender roles and barricaded their ears from the log-kya-kahenge brigade.

Mahavir Singh Phogat and his wrestling brood are legendary but there are many such examples of supportive fathers. Gymnast Dipa Karmakar’s father was the wind in her sporting journey that propelled her to the Olympics. National hockey player Mamta Kharab (Komal Chautala in the Shah Rukh Khan starrer Chak De! India), one of six daughters of a village school teacher, couldn’t have extricated herself from the gender-biased bog that is Haryana without her father’s support.

Cricketer Harmanpreet Kaur’s father ignored those who asked him: ‘What will you get out of making your daughter a sportswoman?’ PV Sindhu’s father did the heavy lifting, apparently travelling 30 km with his daughter twice every day so she wouldn’t miss a training session.

Parity a Distant Shore Yet

Do you know that full gender parity is still 123 years away? You live in a world where men have a clear advantage. Use your advantage to work for your daughters. Fathers can be our secret weapon to smash the patriarchy. So get started, change the narrative.

I know you’re probably already doing some of this within the confines of your home, but why not think bigger? Make it your mission to find the language to get through to other fathers who approach the equity conversation with trepidation. Tell them it’s okay to trust their daughters. Evangelise the idea of fathers against patriarchy in any way you can, starting with your WhatsApp groups. Brainstorm the next time you meet your buddies over beers.

So many of you have already stepped away from the traditional role of the autocratic dad who doesn’t lift a hand around the house. You introduce your children early to ideas of feminism, equality and empathy. That’s great and you’ve done well, but now it’s time for you to organise better. How about a forum for fathers who believe in their daughters’ right to choose a partner?

You Can Help

You could have been on the road in 2023 supporting Vinesh Phogat and all the other wrestlers who spoke up against the sexual harassment of then Wrestling Federation of India (WFI) president Brij Bhushan Sharan Singh. Fathers For Vinesh. Imagine the impact of that on the national conversation. Fathers Who Support Women Speaking Up. Fathers With Survivors. It’s time to give the father-daughter relationship some political heft.

Forage for ideas from those retired IAS officers who write a letter to the Prime Minister every few months against the rising levels of hate in this country.

Issue a written slap to a politician every time they blame a survivor for her rape and closely track the sexist statements of your elected representatives.

Ask your daughters’ schools or your workplaces if you can talk to people about the new fatherhood. Learn how to organise from other parent groups, such as mothers and grandmothers in the US, who have come together to fight against gun violence.

Volunteer your expertise to talk to young men, know your data, and argue our case. Be our silver bullet in the fight for justice and equality. Don’t forget to advertise the strength of our relationship, like Ludhiana-based entrepreneur Manoj Kumar Gupta did with his daughters by naming his company ‘Gupta and Daughters’. Small step, big impact. 

Yours hopefully,

An Indian daughter.

(The author is the founder of India Love Project and on the editorial board of Article 14. This is an opinion piece. All views expressed are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for them.)