Chandragupta: I read the news. Brief me on how you pulled off the GDP heist?

Kautilya (a bit uncertainly): Sir, I relied on the courses I taught at Takshishila University on Artificial Intelligence. I layered over a whole new set of assumptions on the past data to come up with an artificial… err, newly crafted data.

Chandragupta (snappily): Tell me the key points quickly.

Kautilya (beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead): Sir, I changed the telecoms’ input from the number of new subscribers to minutes of voice and data consumed. I switched from the volume, to the value, of motorcycles manufactured in each factory. I lowered the weights attached to the informal and financial businesses, shrinking the tertiary sector in our GDP. I did a few more clever twists, and we hit bull’s eye! They are now more than a hundred basis points behind us. And I’ve killed their boast of double-digit growth in 2010/11; unfortunately, that’s also damaged our beloved India. But I guess we have to accept that it’s nearly impossible for Bharatvarsha (India) to breach the 8 percent growth ceiling. He he he he (he giggled nervously)…

Chandragupta: Quiet! Tell me, did you stop to consider the impact of these new assumptions on our bigger game-plan? After all, beating the UPA was only a tiny cog in our grand scheme.

Kautilya (now looking terrified and confused): Sir, err, bigger game-plan? I am sorry, I am not quite getting it…

Chandragupta (visibly agitated): The bigger game-plan, my friend! We had to rework this GDP series all the way back to 5,561 BC – ie, more than 7,500 years back – to prove that the growth we managed during the Mahabharata and under Hindu rulers was higher, much higher, than what was logged under the Mughals. While it’s good that we have gone back until 2005 to kayo the UPA, our much bigger objective is to go back nearly 80 centuries to demolish, once and for all, the claims of Babar ki aulad [the Mughal dynasty founded by Babar’s progeny]. Prove to me that your new assumptions will clinch that for us, Kautilya, or else… (Chandragupta trailed off menacingly)

Kautilya (taking a deep breath to control his rising panic): Aaah, don’t worry Sir, I’ve got that covered. Allow me to take you through it, one point at a time.

Kautilya (continuing): Net net sir, leave it with me. I will not change a single assumption; and with the same model that we’ve used to demolish UPA’s record, I shall prove to the world that the GDP growth under the Hindu rulers was much higher than under the Mughals...

Chandragupta (now beaming): Well done, Kautilya, my Chanakya, my wonderful hatchet! You are priceless.

GDP Growth Modi vs UPA Govt: Recalibrating to the Mahabharata, Circa 5561 BC

Kautilya (aka Chanakya and Vishnugupta) excitedly picked up the 2014 reprint of his 5000 BC bestseller, Arthshastra (The Science of Governance). Today, he would present a copy to Emperor Chandragupta and wow him with the fabulous news that his political adversary, the UPA, had been totally vanquished. UPA’s last remaining claim to fame – ie, that they had delivered much higher GDP growth during their reign – had been demolished by him, the incomparable Kautilya.

He swung his red-beacon white car onto the road named after him, Kautilya Marg, in Lutyens Delhi, and pointed its nose towards Lok Kalyan Marg, the Emperor’s abode. He felt light-headed and optimistic.

But he was surprised to find the Emperor pacing up and down, looking a trifle irritated and angry.

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Topics: India Economy PM Modi Mahabharata

Published: 01 Dec 2018, 4:10 PM IST

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Recalibrating India’s GDP to the Mahabharata, Circa 5561 BC

The UPA’s last remaining claim to fame had been demolished by Kautilya, but the Emperor wanted much more.

Read Latest News and Breaking News at The Quint, browse for more from opinion

Topics: India Economy PM Modi Mahabharata