Because watching Farhad Samji's Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan was so unbearable that I went into a spiral at the theatre, considering a separate profession where I'm not required to wake up at seven in the morning to watch Salman Khan in a lungi singing "Mary had a little lamb".
Here are my honest thoughts after watching a film that could have been a typo:
1. Not even two minutes into the film and there are goons being thrashed, skulls being smashed and blood being spilled all over. No plot, no logic, just…unexplained violence. And that sets the mood for the next two-and-a-half-hours.
2. We are introduced to Bhaijaan’s (yes, that’s the only name he’s referred to in the entire film) three brothers: Love, Ishq and Moh. I don’t know about you but I’m convinced that they got ChatGPT to write the names of the characters…and the songs and the script.
3. Salman Khan’s grand entrances in films probably peaked here: slum dwellers in Delhi begin whistling as a way to manifest Bhaijaan’s entry. And there he is! Jumping off a building, throwing his jacket and wearing it while being suspended in air, before landing on his feet.
4. Bollywood’s way to get out of building compelling backstories? Just make the characters orphans! We find out that Bhai is an orphan who rescued and raised three younger orphans as his brothers.
5. His character almost slides into 'incel' territory, with him being so devoted to protect his brothers that he swears to never marry, consume alcohol or basically do anything that would help him seek pleasure.
6. But the problem arises when the brothers are also expected to do the same. They’re scared of revealing to Bhai they they’ve fallen in love with their respective girlfriends.
7. A delightful cameo by Bhagyashree and heartfelt Maine Pyaar Kiya references follow as the brothers try their best to reunite Bhai with his former flame.
8. Bollywood’s age-gap problem continues as Pooja Hegde enters as Bhagyalakshmi and almost immediately falls for Salman’s character. Wanting to know more about him, she asks his brothers about him. This prompts them to answer in words that should never be used to describe another human being - “mulayam, sober and smooth”.
9. Every time the plot demands something more, the characters break into painfully bad songs. We are introduced to Bhagya’s big, Telugu family.
10. Copious amounts of violence follow as Bhai tries to protect Bhagya’s family from a dangerous goon.
While he gets beaten up, the family just spectates and punctuates the fight scenes with gasps and expressions. It obviously would make more sense if they'd at least try to help him but that's asking too much from the scriptwriter.
11. Bhaijaan suffers an aggressive head injury and passes out while fighting...until everyone in the area manifests him back to life while whistling. To no one’s surprise, Khan saves the day and looks hilarious while doing it (shirtless).
12. Bhaijaan turns to the villain and says, “Matha phodi ka bohot shauq hai na tujhe? Woh kya kehte hai…brainstorming.”
At this point, I am unsure whether I have any brains left but at least the storm inside me subsides with the end credits.