Sexolve 317: ‘My Son-In-Law Is Gay!'

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer's weekly column on love, sex, and relationships.

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'My Son-in-law Is Gay'

Dear RainbowMan,

My daughter, a 28 year old PhD student in London is married to a post doctoral scholar now working in USA.

It was a love marriage in 2020 in India. Now the boy claims to be a Gay and shown his unwillingness to continue with this married life.

He had no homosexual relation with anyone but seems to be a psychic.

I would like to have your valuable advice if he can be cured by proper counselling or we should go for a separation for the future of my daughter? Your prompt reply is solicited please.

Regards,

Pop

Dear Pop,

Thank you for writing in. Let me first address your concern and then move to your son-in-law.

I understand where your concern comes from. It comes from a good space. You want your daughter to have a happily married life and there is nothing wrong with having that wish.

The question is - will she ever be happy when she married to someone who has to force himself to love your daughter, or really work hard to live with your daughter?

Isn’t love only good when it flows naturally and doesnt have to be forced?

Coming to your son-in-Law.

It would have been nice if your son-in-law didn't get married to your daughter at all, if he knew he was gay.

Sometimes society forces us to think that all of us are heterosexuals and we give in to the demands. Effects of such relationships could be painful for both sides of the family.

But are we making a presumption that he knew that he was gay.

One could realise their sexuality or gender identity at any point of their life. They could be 10-20-30-40-50 or even 90 when they realise that they are gay. Some just know they are different but are unable to put a label to the feeling,

Now that your son-in-law asserts his sexuality. It may be in the best interest of your daughter (and the entire family) to relieve herself from the burden of this matrimonial alliance. To force someone to stay or to force themselves to stay in an unhappy relationship could lead to more trauma. Leaving such a relationship could be painful in the beginning but will be liberating in the long run.

These times could be difficult to navigate. And having a relationship expert who is external and can see things from a distance would help greatly. I very strongly recommend talk therapy with a good mental health professional.

I am here whenever you wish to write.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

P.S. Love is when love is.

'I'm Gay And In Love; How Do I Convince My Mother To Give Me Her Property After Her Death?'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 78 year old man in love with a 50 year old. The problem is that the 50 year old is a man too. I have lived a life of a heterosexual all my life till the age of 70.

But then, I discovered this man, who was 42 then, and then fell in love with him completely.

I may have been 70 but I was not really looking like 70. People used to guess that I am 46 or so.

I am now having issues with my inheritance. My dad who passed away last year at 102 did not want to give me any money and has written off everything to my siblings.

My mother is 97 now. She is hail and hearty, but everyone knows that old age will lead to death at some point. She has a bunch of property in her name. How do I impress upon her to give her property to me after her death. I want to leave property for my boyfriend.

I wonder if I am way too selfish to wish that. Isn't that just natural. How do i do this?

Regards,

Don

Dear Don,

Thank you for writing in.

Our sexuality sometimes plays peek-a-boo with us and shows up late to the party.

Glad that you have found love in the arms of a man. I am not going to use words like young and old.

Age is just a matter of the mind. It doesn't matter if you don't mind.

Speaking of age… learnt behaviour is difficult to change. Your parents have spent an entire lifetime knowing of heterosexuality as the only truth.

Today, things have changed people are more accepting of homosexuality, and many more people are aware that heterosexuality is not the only sexuality. Your folks will have to unlearn, an extra legwork to be done before learning.

At 98, it may be too much to ask from your mother. I can only ask you to consult a good lawyer to see how you could ensure equal division of property after your mother’s time.

Your sexuality immaterial, there are laws that ensure distribution of wealth, provided there is no explicit will.

Regards,
RainbowMan

P.S. It is good for queer people to be independent.

Are There Legal Implications If I Force Myself On Him?

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 20 year old woman in love with a man who is around the same age. The issue is that he says he doesn't want sex. How do I force him to do so? And if I force myself on him, are there any legal charges against me?

Wooman

Dear Wooman,

Thank you for writing in.

Let me jump to the point directly.

How would we have reacted if it was a man who posted the same about legal implications of forcing himself on a woman?

Every human being has the right to a life of dignity, it is ensured by the constitution of the country. While the laws against outraging modesty look at women as the victim, we ought to look at laws regarding abduction and force as gender inclusive laws that could protect men too.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS NEEDS TO BE TOLD.
You should not force yourself on him. NO MEANS NO.

I request you to nib such ideas in the bud and please start with therapy so that you could learn how to respect consent and relationships.
Please dont give energy to thoughts of force in the relationship.

RainbowMan

P.S. Consent is key.