Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'I Was Asked to Have Sex With My Husband's Boss'
I am a 28 year old woman. I saw Gangubai Kathiawadi recently and I was horrified by a scenes in the film.
I was horrified because I was also someone who used to love films, this film left me numb. I have been sexually abused as a child and when I grew up my husband asked me to have sex with his boss for his promotion at work.
I am not kidding. No one believes me when I tell them. But my husband did this to me. He is a nice guy, I know. He is nice to talk to. But he is nice. I don't know if I am making sense.
I have been feeling horrible I feel horrible a lot lately, one because I am feeling dirty in my body and secondly, my husband did not get the promotion deal despite that.
My husband said “i have no one to help me properly”. I need your help. I don’t want to fall from grace.
I don't want anyone to know what I did, but I also want to save myself.
Can you please help me. Please I plead to you. Please help me. I want to be with my husband and help him always, but I hate myself for allowing another man to touch me for my husband.
Is there a way to do both. Please don't suggest that I should leave my husband. I don't want to leave him. I love him. He tells me all the time that I am beautiful. He doesn't use me. He left the option to me to sleep with his boss. It was my choice.
I love my husband. I have always been in love with him. But the problem is with me. I should be doing this willingly for my husband, but I am not doing this willingly, I am doing this painfully.
I wonder why I am doing this emotionally painfully. I want to help.
Believe me, I want to help my husband with his promotion. But I don't feel good about using my body for his promotion. I love my husband. Have I sinned. Do I sound mad? Please help me. Please please please.
Thank you for writing to me.
Love is a strange feeling - despite the fact that it blinds us, it makes itself seen in all the sheen.
You are in love. And to love is no sin. To be blinded in love is a natural phenomenon too. When we love someone, everything that they do to us, we feel it is a wonderful thing. We tend to assume that everything is happening for the best. And sometimes we also assume that it is our responsibility to always keep our loved ones happy.
But sometimes, it is also important that our loved ones respect us for who we are. It is important that our loved ones see us for the people we are.
I am going to tell you something that you may not find nice to hear, I don't mean to demean your husband.
I am here to simply hold the mirror to you. There is something called “gaslighting”.
I want you to google it and find out if the term holds any prominence in the context of how you are feeling right now.
When you get gaslighted, you end up blaming yourself for things that you were never responsible for.
You have ended up believing that it is because of you that your husband is failing. And you also end up believing that it is your responsibility that your husband’s boss feels satisfied. Let me tell you - IT IS NOT.
Your husband will excel or fail at work only because of his qualities. Your husband’s boss hired your husband for the job. It is between them.
You should deserve love and compassion from yourself. You need to look at the mirror a countless times a day and tell yourself - I am beautiful, my body is beautiful, your body is for you to enjoy and revel in for yourself first, not any other person.
You deserve love. You deserve respect. And you deserve time off from your husband.
More importantly, you deserve to have the opportunity to see a counsellor. Just as for physical wounds we go to a doctor, for our emotional wounds, we speak to a counsellor. I urge you to fix up an appointment with one.
You will get better. You just have to take the first two steps - give yourself time away from your husband and see a mental health professional.
P.S. You need to respect the person in the mirror. You are special
My Ex Wife Bad Mouths Me
I am a 38 year old gay man from Mumbai. I have worked really hard to come out. I came out only last year, thank you to you and all activists who worked really hard to speak about our rights and our plight.
I was in a marriage and I decided to move out of the wedding last year. I Don't have a boyfriend, but I did tell my wife the real reason for my quitting on her.
I paid huge sums in alimony, so she should be happy.
However, I hear that she speaks nasty things about me — like I kept her in the dark about my sexuality, despite me giving her huge amounts of money and also a house which I gave her in the out of court settlement for our divorce.
How do I get her to speak good about me?
I don't like her bad mouthing me. I want everything to end peacefully. How can I make it peaceful.
Dear Worried Ex,
Thank you for writing in and for your appreciation. And congratulations on coming out to your wife and coming in to the glory of your truth.
Your ex wife has a truth too.
The divorce is a part of her truth. This was not the outcome she signed up for. How she deals with her truth, and what she speaks of it - is her prerogative.
I am glad that you were truthful to your ex partner in the end. It is not just your truth, its hers too. She has the right to hold a grudge. She has the right to recover in her own pace.
You came out when you found it comfortable to come out. She will take her time to settle in to this truth of being a gay man’s ex wife too.
She didn't dictate when you should come out, she could have wished though – that you came out before the wedding so that she could have made informed choices.
She is the owner of her own free will. She owns her mind and her perceptions of people.. Your money or anything you gave her in alimony cannot buy that. You haven’t done her a favour. So don't make it sound like one.
Your actions have consequences. You should deal with them. You have offered her alimony, because of your guilt or your need to settle things well before you part ways, but it is not money that can solve all emotional problems. Isn’t it?
Focus on your life. You have more truths to live. Leave her to her life, Isn't that what you have done.
Over years, some day, maybe you will meet each other and may be able to put this story of marriage behind yourself and see each other as friends. But if she is venting now, she has every right to.
P.S. It’s her tongue, it’s her choice
My Wife Likes Sexy Lingerie, Is She Cheating
My wife has suddenly taken to sexy lingerie. I think she is cheating, because she has never had such interests before. How can I find out?
Dear Husband Guy,
Thank you for writing in.
You wife’s liking for sexy lingerie is just that – liking sexy lingerie.
Why should that mean that she is seeing someone else. Maybe, she has watched some advertisements. Maybe, she is just happy to be in a certain type of lingerie.
Why do you need to find out? Who are you, sherlock holmes?
P.S. Dude, stop this stopping and snooping man!!!