Lost in an identity crisis under the <i>tulsi </i>tree. (Photo: Vikram Venkateswaran)
Salman’s Evil Twin, Brexit Panda and More
Salman Khan’s evil twin, Scottish Panda, a goat that milks you and many more intriguing characters, who could be YOU
2016 has been a year of tectonic events. From literal earthquakes to news that Trumps everything else. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not even the end of the year. But at least, it’s the end of the month.
So it’s time to look back. Not at the events themselves, but at the Hunimals of India, who made it all happen through their action or the lack thereof.
No more toying around.
A resident of the temple city of Puri, Shri Panda’s life was uncomplicated. A few tulsi leaves a day and the temple prasad, and all was well with the world.
Then came the cousin from London, who spoke incessantly of ‘Brexit’. His curiosity stoked, he took to Google.
He clicked on ‘Naval Battle, Brexit.’
The utter stupidity of it all, coupled with disappointment at seeing ‘flotillas’ instead of warships, put him off the whole thing. He closed the tab with a nervous laugh.
But he was awake, and Google was open. He thought it would be cool to know about his ancestors and typed ‘Panda ancestral name’. And then his world fell apart.
Panda was Scottish (maybe)
The search results were initially promising. The surname ‘Panda’ comes from the Sanskrit word Pandeya, which loosely means he hails from the dynasty of the mighty Pandavas from the Mahabharat.
And then Google drops a stinker... Panda couldn’t stop now. It was too late...
The surname ‘Panda’, according to Google, was first found in the census books of ancient British Kings in northeastern Scotland.
Spelling variations included Panther, Pander, Pantry and... Pandey!
Despite a physical distance of over 14,000 kilometres and an absolute apathy about anything that happened beyond a 100 metre radius from his home, Panda was inexorably pulled into the Brexit dilemma. What if his ancestors were British? Does he now have a duty towards them vis-a-vis ‘Leave’ or ‘Remain’?
Jagannath Panda now knows more about the EU referendum than the Brits themselves, which isn’t exactly a big deal, come to think of it.
Baaghi Sing(le) & the Weather
Baaghi Sing had stopped watching Jangal mein Mangal. Unlike the 2.3 lakh opium addicts in Punjab, Baaghi Sing, who is currently single, is hooked on to this random TV serial. You know the one... ah... I forget the name...
Naked Queens Dead Kings?
I’m sorry, I don’t remember. I’m bad with names.
Anyway, Baaghi is an addict. He binge watches this thing on his bachelor Jungle (i) pad.
This TV serial has deranged the poor fellow’s mind. For one, he seems to have developed a skewed sense of meteorology.
He says this is the sixth season, when it is common knowledge that there are only four.
And then he says the first season was five years ago! Crazy, I tell you!
Baaghi also keeps mumbling “Winter is coming”, under his breath.
This again is a strong example of a horrible case of meteorological dementia.
The rainy season is coming, Dear Sir! Winter is still a few months away. Wake up and smell the earth!
Kids these days, I tell you.
Everyone’s Favourite GoaT
I don’t know if it’s the goatee or the way he looks or the fact that half the time he’s either ramming into something or roams around naked. But right now, he’s everyone’s favourite Go(a)T.
In Tamil, his name translates to Aadu. And the heteronym of Aadu is ‘dance’. Maybe that’s why he’s GoT everyone dancing to his OST.
For once, the milk stools are turned. Because this GoT’s the one who’s milking the public’s attention for all it’s worth.
He will wax eloquent on any topic under the sun. He M.Ay or M.Ay not be educated, but that will not stop him from speaking up. He belongs to the diatribe who are genetically predisposed to liking any idea that cuts through divisions and seeks to unite. Some common quotes taken out of context (because usually there is none) include:
“We will... tell the people that Hindi is coming... like a thunder strike on the heads of Tamil and Dravidian people...” - CN Annadurai, Founder (DMK)
“I am Hero. My villains is Kalaignar (M Karunanidhi). My villi (female villain) is Jayalalithaa” - Vijaykanth, Founder (DMDK)
“We are like that only.” - Random Su‘bear’amani on the street
ChennaiITes; The Lost Electorate
Contrary to popular belief, the Hunimals of Chennai are just like those of other metros. They strongly reflect the stereotypes that are thrust on them. They harbour an active distaste for sensible politics. But, they are politically hyper-aware.
Even the roadside-romeo who waits on his parked bike for the prospective girlfriend to whom he will give a plastic flower, will tell you the name of the local MLA’s second wife’s adulterating milkman.
The one thing they WILL NOT do, is vote.
Which is why 96.4323434 percent of our politicians are actors, many of them with a history of inducing Page 3 sensations.
ChennaiITes are HOT
I don’t mean this in a good way. In fact, very few of our heroes are photogenic, not to talk of the common public. I mean these Hunimals are High On Tech.
They are, to social media what Americans are to cars. The ratio of people to FB account is 1:4.5. That is, for every ChennaiITe, there are at least four-and-a-half FB accounts. How is this possible? This is the land of Rajini Da. Anything is possible.
Salluki Sussuki; Judwa Bhai
This guy may not be a Hunimal, but he’s definitely an urban animal. He is, in fact, Salman Khan’s evil twin. Actually he’s eviller and cleverer than Salman.
Don’t believe me? Consider these facts:
1. He often rolls with his top down.
2. He’s all about giving you the best bang for the (black) buck.
3. He doesn’t need Salman to drive him. He rides curbs all by himself.
4. Unlike Salman, he knows when to keep his mouth shut (which is, basically all the time).
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