A Day in the Life of a Happy Smartphone User
8.00-9.32 am: Try and wake up after snoozing my alarm at least 20 times.
9.32-9.37 am: Promise myself that I won’t play Clash of Clans till 4am and try to sleep early from now on.
9.37-9.56 am: Brush my teeth, flash a bright smile in the mirror and try to convince myself that it’s going to be a great day.
9.56-10.12 am: Quickly get ready while listening to my morning playlist titled, “Not Sad Music.”
10.12 am: Receive text from boss saying, “Where are you? You were supposed to be here by 10am.”
10.14 am: Send text to boss saying, “on my way.” Contemplate sending the overly happy emoji who looks like a closeted serial killer. Decide against it.
10.15-10.33am: Book a cab from my phone. Spend several frustrating minutes trying to explain my location to the cab driver because the GPS just doesn’t get it.
10.33-11.05 am: Finally get into the cab to find a very chirpy cab-walla. Respond to his comments with my best fake smile.
11.05am: Reach office. Tell my boss over email that I am happy to do all the work dumped on me. Do I even have a choice?
11.05-11.15am: Drink a big glass of liquid caffeine, aka black coffee, plaster a smile on my face, and get ready to face the computer screen for about eight hours. Tell myself, “I love my work. I love my work.”
11.15am-1.08pm: Work. Tell myself from time to time that money can buy happiness.
1.08-1.37pm: Eat the momos that I ordered via an app while telling myself that money can buy happiness. Look at people’s Instagram stories about all the places I am not going on vacation to.
1.37-1.39pm: Tell myself that work makes me happy. Ignore colleagues who want me to vacate the cafeteria seat.
1.39-1.45pm: Pretend to be engrossed on my phone so people think I work during lunch hours too, or that I have a life outside office.
1.45-5.07 pm: Work. Tell myself from time to time that money can buy happiness.
5.07-5.25 pm: Go on a chai break. Ask “so, how’s life?” to several colleagues. Tell them how amazingly mediocre my life is. Make sure to bottom-line it with, “But I am happy, you know. It’s all good.”
5.25pm: Receive text from friend saying, “Want to chill after work?” Consider not going because I hate meaningful human interaction.
5.26pm: Text back, “See you at 8 pm,” because I need to populate my social media with happy pictures for it’s beginning to look a little glum.
5.26-7pm: Work. Drink more liquid caffeine. Check phone several times only to find random memes from my family on the family group on WhatsApp.
7-7.29pm: Wait for it to strike 7.30pm. Charge phone.
7.30-8pm: Book cab. Realise that GPS is not my best friend. Reach designated place of meeting friend.
8.15-9.20pm: Eat. Drink. Gossip about work. Check work email on phone several times to check if the boss sent me an email of appreciation.
9.20-9.45pm: Take selfies and post them on various social media. Check phone several times and wait for social media validation.
9.45-10.20pm: Head home because I have work tomorrow morning. Send random memes to ex.
10.20-11pm: Reach home. Change clothes. Check social media feeds for likes and comments on today’s pictures before bed.
11pm-11.07pm: Plug in earphones. Listen to playlist titled, “Happy Sleep Music.”
11.07pm-12.10am: Toss and turn in bed. Can’t sleep. Open phone. Start playing Clash of Clans.
12.10-4.05am: Let technology control me.
4.05am: Finally fall asleep.