Stalking is a universal phenomenon. It is not just the heterosexual community that gets stalked. And it is not just the heterosexual community that stalks. Though stalkers come in all shapes and sizes, I have tried to broadly and unjustly streamline them into seven commonly known categories.
The “Gay” Excavators
aka The CID Stalkers
It is not just Section 377 that wishes to peep into your bedroom. There is the unfriendly neighbourhood Pintu or padoos ka Bablu who wish to know more about who you sleep with. Well, it doesn’t always need to be Pintu and Bablu, it could well be Chachi, Maami or Chotta Bhai who could be assigned this world’s best task. They want the supreme satisfaction of being the first-ones to ‘know-it-all’ about your life.
They will spy into your phone, into your closet and every ‘secret’ space to excavate traces of gay that will lead them to their great grand discovery of your sexuality. Section 377 gives impetus to such scrupulous elements in the society. Listen mister, you are not ACP Pradhyuman.
They are also the ones who would do a grand proclamation to the world. In the worst case scenario, they could extort you in lieu of keeping your secret a secret. It is the cause for suicide in many cases. In the best case scenario though, they could question you and then tell you, “Hatt pagle, main teri chachi hu, teri dushman nahi.”
The “Main Bhi Ladies Stalker”
aka The Faker Stalkers
Mostly, lesbian bisexual women have their spaces invaded by heterosexual males. “Girl on Girl action” is revered by many porn-worshipping men. They see a lesbian as a ticket to their “double dhamaka” fantasy. So much so that they will actually take the pains to create a fake Facebook profile with a girl’s name and get some photo of a pretty looking desi girl from some godforsaken website to build an authentic case. However creepy the creep is, I wish to give them full marks for their dedication.
The “Jaanu, Main Bhi aa Jaau?” Stalkers
aka the stalkers of bisexual women.
Straight lads, guys, get it straight. Just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean that they would like to sleep with you. Bisexual ladies could be in a committed relationship with someone of their own gender and not sleep with men at all. Similarly, they could be in a committed relationship with a guy and not sleep with women at all. I mean, just because you are capable of attraction with people regardless of their gender, doesn't mean that you are giving out invitations for an orgy party. You may get the imprint of a sandal on your face instead. So beware.
The “Stop Barbaadi With Shaadi” Stalkers
aka the Marriage-Of-Convenience stalkers
These are the guys looking for an easy fix. Many of my friends from planet ‘Lesbos’ have received a message in the godforsaken ‘Others’ folder of their Facebook inbox. There is a presumption that just because someone is lesbian, she will be desperate to be the main ingredient in the recipe of a quick-fix solution. And even if they are looking for a marriage of convenience, why would they do so with an absolute stranger? There is enough meat in the market. And no, fellow homos, you cannot jump into the Other folder of lesbians, and not experience the wrath of a lesbian. Never ever, never never, ever ever, anger a lesbian.
The Bored Bhabhi Stalkers
aka The Hetero Women Stalkers
Some women who are self-confessed heterosexuals think it is okay to explore with another woman. Good for them. Let’s not judge them or label them as liberal (or whatever epithet that is new the market). Let’s also not judge them as bisexual, because only one person can tell if they are bisexual – they themselves. I am not referring to those genuinely interested people.
I am referring to bored housewives who think it is not infidelity if they do it with another woman to release their jism ki aag. They sometimes flock websites and even tinder their way to bedrooms of lesbian women. Many hide their identity of being married-to-a-man, just so that they could get lucky with the miss-y without it getting any messy. These are sometimes “raat-gayi-baat-gayi” types. Though I am not against casual sexual encounters (I am not at all, miss goody two shoes), one needs to be truthful to their partner. Hai naah?
The ‘Bhabhiji Ghar Par Nahin Hain’ Stalkers
aka The Heterosexual Men Stalkers
This is the category that fakes it fakes it and fakes it away to glory. These men find their way into gay dating sites by stalking gay men. When they find their “lover for the day” they send messages and fix a date for themselves. Many don’t identify as gay. They are just men who have sex with men when their woman partner is not available. Sometimes they are people who want gay men to do what their female partners do not. Sometimes it involves kinks, like, say, blow jobs/sadism and masochism/piss fantasy etc. Well, why not be honest?
The ‘Pliijjj Come Back To Me Stalkers’
aka The Relentless Stalkers
Jilted lovers come in all shapes and sizes and all genders and sexualities. To be stalked by an ex when you are dating a Y is a common occurrence. Let me confess, I have also been in this category and have cried pools of tears when my ex left me. I wanted to find out if I was being two-timed when I was in love. I was. But I had no business in stalking my ex’s profile for feeding my curiosity.
There was a time when i told myself “behen, you are no jagga jasoos”. Drooling over your ex after you have understood that it is a lost battle, is hurtful. Don’t drown yourself in the depths of sorrow because of a broken relationship. Some relationships are not supposed to mend. So stop your pretense. Move on. “Behen tu thanda le, jaane de, hawa aane de.”
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