How to Be a Bollywood Baddie: Five Simple Steps

Here are the five qualities you need to be the truly iconic villain.

I may live in Mumbai but let me tell you I have NO Bollywood aspirations. No, of course, it’s not because I’m on the wrong side of the scale. And it’s definitely a case of sour grapes.

I mean, if only someone had watched my audition, I would be gracing the pages of leading dailies now and people would have been aggressively and unapologetically invading my personal space. Who doesn’t love that?

But say I did have a chance to be in Bollywood, I would most definitely choose to be a villain or a superhero. I gave up superhero because, frankly, spandex is super unflattering. That leaves me with villain and THAT would be awesome.

Unfortunately, they don’t make villains like they used to. I am talking guys whose evil game was right up there. Snarling and being vicious, making evil look so good. If you ever plan to turn to the dark side, here are the qualities you should be gunning for to be truly iconic.

Up Your Name Game

You ain’t getting nowhere with names like Rahul or Sunil. To be a true blue Bollywood villain, you will need a name that carries a little weight and complements that evil laughter you are going to follow it up with. For a name to make the cut, it will have to be unheard of – Mogambo, Shakaal etc. – and preferably leave a bad taste in your mouth. You may be made fun of in school for that kind of name, but when you grow up and stake you claim to world domination, who’s going to have the last laugh then?

Get Your Mojo With a Tagline

We aren’t talking the likes of ‘ Just Do It’ but more carefully crafted lines that add the right amount of nastiness when said with a snarl. Think on the lines of ‘ ‘Sara shehar mujhe lion ke naam se janta hai.’ If you can mis-pronounce a few words to make people believe you are talking about your privates rather than a wild beast, it could be the bit that catapults it from normal to extraordinary.

Wardrobe Revamp

Unfortunately, you are going to have to bid adieu to the ripped jeans and faded tees. That don’t impress ‘em heroes much. To truly have the heroes shaking in trepidation, you will need an accessory that speaks volumes about your power and also subtly drives home your style statement. Remember when Gabbar favoured tunics and pajamas? That works. He did carry a magazine around his waist but you might get arrested for that so give it a miss. Or you could go all blingy like Mogambo who looked like a Keralite bride with all that gold.

Vice Vice Baby

Being a super villain requires some work. You will have to invest in a vice – smoking, drinking, smoking and drinking, dressing up in gaudy colours, speaking only in rhyme, carrying a little weight around your waist – you choose, but have a vice you must. This is because you should be able to rise up to the challenge of providing extreme contrast to the romantic line spewing, Adonis-bodied hero. And don’t fall for that ‘shades of grey’ nonsense, if you want to be truly iconic, you must go all out black.

Served With Sides

Nobody can turn the world on its head all on their own. You are going to need sidekicks. Now, the sidekicks may not get much screen time but they better be flaunting hockey sticks and wearing uncomfortably tight t-shirts in their two seconds of fame. Oh and did I mention that they should have excellent flying skills? Because when the hero comes steamrolling into the hideout, they are going to have to do some serious flight time once they’ve received the punches. You might also want to have a moll to up the glamour quotient but that’s optional.

You hear? Cool.

(Mansi Shah is founder of the blog Damsel in Destress which reviews experiences as varied as spas, books and plays. Mansi is, by her own admission, “clueless” at 30 with an easy penchant for humour.)