Greetings, puny humans!
The Big G, aka yours truly, is back!
The reason I’m putting pen to paper is that the recent ban on beef, pork, movies etc in the name of religion and culture is getting quite irritating. The whole ‘ban movement’ is an unregulated mess with no endorsement from me or my seniors i.e; the Gods. The whole thing has become a topic of heated discussion and argument in heaven.
Why should only cow meat or pork be banned when there are a number of other living creatures with equal if not more important roles in the scriptures?
This list has been compiled by yours truly, with numerous inputs from all the deities with too much time on their hands. Please direct some of your prayers to them too.
Elephant: At the behest of Indra and me (obviously)
The elephant Airavat is Indra’s favourite steed, not to mention that I have an elephant’s head on my shoulders. Those who eat elephant meat will be struck by lightning in their next seven lives and will become overweight.
Turtles: Requested by Lord Vishnu since he once took the form of a tortoise
Lord Vishnu took the form of a tortoise and bore the mountain on his back during the churning of the oceans. So no tortoise or turtle dishes for humans unless you’d like to be crushed in a landslide.
He also says that if you consume tortoise meat you shall always carry your house on your back i.e; have a transferable job all your life.
Snakes: Request by Lord Vishnu and Lord Shiva (dad)
Don’t eat snake meat even if you are starving in China. Vishnu rests on the King of snakes and Shiva prefers them to scarves and belts, but as humans you are advised not to try either.
If you kill or eat a snake you will suffer from skin diseases or dandruff and keep shedding skin till eternity. Needless to say, you will go flaky and become bankrupt very soon, buying expensive shampoos and skin ointments to atone for the snake delicacies you tasted.
Fish: Requested by Lord Vishnu again
Vishnu took the form of a fish to save life on earth during the great floods.
If you eat fish or go fishing you always get wet during the rains, your house will always leak and things will always get stuck in your throat. To make matters worse, your drinking water and your sewage water will always get mixed.
Wild Boar: Lord Vishnu again. Why can’t he just stick to one animal?
According to Vishnu, if you eat a wild boar you will be blessed with protruding teeth, huge nostrils and rough unmanageable hair. In addition to these cosmetic blessings, if you eat boar or pig meat you will always have cute children who grow up to be ugly adults.
Partridge: At the request of Chandra, the moon God
The partridge also known as the “chakor”, of a Bollywood song fame, resides on moon beams and the moon has a thing for it, hence the term “chaand aur chakor”. Eat partridge and you will be awake while the moon is up i.e; you will suffer from insomnia all your life.
Lion and Tiger: At the request of the Goddess Durga
Now why on earth would you want to eat a tiger or a lion? In all fairness, it might be the lion or the tiger who eats you. Add to that the fact that in her standard format she has eight hands and is armed with deadly weapons. No one including the Gods would dare to anger her.
If you eat lion or tiger meat, poachers will chase you trying to skin and stuff you till the end of time.
Peacock: At the request of my lil' bro Karthikeya
You mess with him means you mess with me.
Okay, the deal is if you eat peacock meat you will have a lot of hair, long hair on your back and very little hair on your head. Like the bird on the plate, you will also have a fear of flying and your spouse will be ugly. Really Karthikeya, that last bit wasn’t required.
Bull: Lord Shiva, again
Since Nandi the bull is my Dad’s official gatekeeper and steed, it is hereby stated that anyone who eats bull meat will always have flies buzzing around their bodies and will sooner or later have to get their reproductive organs removed. Ouch!
(What’s with my Dad and his love for hacking of human body parts?)
Monkeys: On Lord Hanumans request for obvious reasons.
If you eat monkeys or any other simian, for the next 108 births you will suffer from burn injuries to your backside, you and your partner will have fleas and you will also have an insufferable urge to jump over puddles and pools of water.
So here it is, the official list of animals not to be devoured by humans.
Obviously animals are exempted from this ban since the Law of Natural Prey supersedes all other laws. They can eat beef, pork and whatever else they like without fear of getting beaten up, their face blackened, lynched or murdered. And you thought that you humans were on top of the food chain?
Think again.
Yours etc,
The Big G – the only journalist in heaven.
(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)