People think I am crazy for saying this but a lot more people would be alive today if they just listened to me. Especially the ones in horror movies. For example, never be too happy in the beginning of the movie. If you seem too cheerful, you will be the one killed off first. Also, don’t be the non-believer. Because if there’s one thing the ghost wants to prove, it is that it exists. So, make a couple of jokes about “will she sneer out of the TV” and the like but know that “it” is going to be making a beeline for you. If you are going to be the character that’s going to flaunt a religious object, I suggest you carry an apron or something because the possessed seem particularly inclined to discharging bodily fluids your way.
Any comedy movie aficionado knows these things. So we searched high – in attics and stuff – and low like exhumed bodies, to list out what horrific movie must haves are. We didn’t really exhume bodies. That bone? Erm.
A House
For horror movies, houses that have just been moved into are favourites. They aren’t new houses. Just new families moving into houses that have been around the block. Houses that have a history and a dark one at that. I suggest not putting your children in the higher rooms because the windows of those rooms are usually reserved by poltergeists for their first sighting. It may be on a first come, first serve basis.
An Inquisitive Person
Usually, this person with burning curiosity is a woman. It’s dark and lonely but she wants to investigate every sound, whisper or apparition. She will follow the noise, enquiring “Who’s there?” but mostly gets no answers. To break the ice, she may occasionally throw in a “Hello?” because ghost or burglar, you need to start off a conversation by exchanging pleasantries.
A Creaky Door
Every house has a creaky door but in horror movies almost all of them are coming a little unhinged and unoiled. A little WD40 never hurt anyone, people. Just saying. The opening of the creaky door and the slamming of it – if you don’t watch enough movies – is the beginning of a haunting. Also, I assume a ghost ringing a bell announcing its arrival would be no fun, so creaky door is all they have.
A Weird Child
Children in romcoms and fun family movies get to draw rainbows and sunshines and colourful unicorns. In scary movies, the poor kids are saddled with the responsibility of driving home subtle messages about the paranormal. They are handed only the black and red crayon and left to their own devices. Sometimes they scribble or draw circles like any child would – just that they are in a horror movie and it must mean something.
Thunderstorms
London should be a favourite with directors of this genre. Where else do you find gloomy, wet weather all year around? Because nothing says haunted, scary, possessed like rain and thunder. Great directors of the genre usually reveal the ghost/demon/possessed person standing behind the inquisitive female in one thunderclap. The next thunderclap has the ghost much closer. Of course, the protagonist has no clue of what’s going on behind her and has no vision from the corner of her eye or anything. But thunder it must.
(Mansi Shah is founder of the blog Damsel in Destress which reviews experiences as varied as spas, books and plays. Mansi is, by her own admission, “clueless” at 30 with an easy penchant for humour.)
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