It has been bothering me since morning, like food stuck in my teeth.
The Virushka reception in Mumbai.
But first things first...
The fellow in the middle?
That’s me. Always.
No matter how far removed these guys are from my public-transport-stained-existence, their stardust-laden lives will always be a source of wide-eyed wonder and intrigue.
Social ladder, guys.
And aspiration.
Ask the marketeers. They are making millions out of it.
1) Virat Kohli and Anushka Sharma are to me what Kanye West is to my god-fearing grandmother. She is as far removed from his reality as he is from hers. But that does not overrule the fact that her feet tap and fingers drum to his beats every single time.
They are sparkly, uber-wealthy people and I love me some sparkle on my charcoal-ridden days.
2) In the picture below, for example, Anushka pulls off a blue onesie that would put any Dove-loving woman to shame. While she manages to deplane looking like that, I manage to look like KRK on laxatives when I am walking out of an airport.
3) This country, of which I am a proud culture-abiding citizen, is far more fixated on celebrity weddings than its failing criminal justice system. B-town is to us what Buckingham Palace is to the sombre British. Like every Harry has his Sejal/Sally, every desi has his fodder.
4) Even though my eyes and ears are still bleeding with the excessive reportage post the reception, the Sex And the City-repertoire of pastel colours at the wedding made me change my colours (and opinions) faster than a chameleon on questionable drugs.
5) Madhuri Dixit will always be there to make you feel bad. She hits you like a bout of acne. No matter how much you try, you can’t stop thinking about it (or her). She is always on your mind. You want it gone, you want to lapse back into regular life and pay your regular outstanding bills, but alas... you can’t.
That far-reaching tube of Fair and Lovely can’t compete with this. And that’s destroying a lot of convictions.
6) There are only a few people in the world who can pull off a truckload of jewellery on their person.
Rekha isn’t one of them.
Neither am I. I will manage to look like a disco ball heading to Bappi Lahiri’s house if I were to dress like her here. The only outfit an average woman like me would be able to pull off is Madhuri’s saree.
But then, there is NOTHING average about that sari. Like my bank account that won’t be able to afford it.
7) Leave Kohli’s and Shah Rukh’s “bromance’’ aside. Let’s move to things more important:
Shahrukh Khan’s skin might be folding into a hundred tiny wrinkles every time I say “wrinkle’’, but he still is that dimpled boy who manages to win hearts.
Before him, we are all just tiny little Tanmay Bhats who would dream of visiting Mannat to play FIFA with him.
8) The Bachchan family is a Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham poster that will come alive any second now. With or without a celebrity wedding, you are always Keeping Up With The Bs.
9) This is perhaps the only person who deserves as much attention as we have given to the Virushka wedding collectively as a country.
Just kidding. That is just the hyper-intellectual loafer in me talking.
And her.
10) Even their blurry photos go viral.
The only thing that went close to viral on my timeline was a photograph of them that I tweeted out with an unsolicited snarky comment.
(PS: Ranbir looks like he has just been told that marriage is a responsibility, just like sex.)
11) This picture captions itself as:
Human, Human, Human, Human Who Didn’t Have To Care About Demonetisation.
12) Lastly, there is more where she came from.
Praise the Lord of Starry-Eyed Simpletons.
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