‘Valentine’s Day Boyfriend Rental’ Package, With A Few Qualms

No words. 

Updated
Satire
3 min read
The man himself. 
i

This Valentine’s Day, Shakul-Gupta-With-An-Audi (No drum rolls, please) has promised the fairer lot quite a few things.

No ominously single Cupid-punctured heart can stop fluttering after having chanced upon this glitzy Valentine’s Day offer. No Amazon.com can quench a consumer’s heart better than an Audi-laced proposal. Or so it seems.

(Aside: Last year, he had promised an iPhone 7, among other things, to all his dates. Adam couldn’t have foreseen a more fateful day for future Eves.)

Lastly, no description of mine shall do justice to the condensed articulation on this gentleman’s end, of a “VALENTINE'S DAY BOYFRIEND RENTAL’’ package.

(All caps, mind you! )

(PS: What’s love, if not packaged in an Apple.inc box, cruising in an Audi with ‘RICHGUY’ promo codes in tow?)

His words (shared 2989 times as of now) :

VALENTINE'S DAY BOYFRIEND RENTAL

00:00 - 23:59 14th Feb 2018

Package 1:
Holding hands & putting arm around the shoulders

Package 2:
Holding hands, putting arm around the shoulders, hug, kiss on cheeks & forehead

Package 3:
Holding hands, putting arm around the shoulders, hug, kiss on cheeks, forehead, and lips

Package 4:
ANYTHING YOU WANT

Use promo code 'RICHGUY' and get
- 20% off
- Freeride in my Audi

Bio:
- 26 y/o
- 56 kg
- 160 cm
- Assuring you that your family will love me (even your friends ;))
- Sagittarius so I'm generous, open-minded & idealistic
- Willing to be your makeup practice model
- Can cook any kind of dish
- Watch Netflix with you

------------------
Things I cannot do:
- Defend you from cockroaches
- Fashion talk
- Eat seafood
- Beauty talk

-------------------
Different personas I'm willing to pull off:
- Christian Grey (never tried it but willing to explore and try new things ;))
- Billionaire playboy who was stuck on an island for 5 years
- Gay (just to make you laugh)
- Innocent look
- Sweet lover
- Bad boy

If you are interested, comment here or message me

FB - https://www.facebook.com/shakul.gupta.395
IG - shakulgupta

P.S. - You can choose wherever you want to go and what to do’’

Shakul Gupta.
Shakul Gupta.
(Photo Courtesy: Facebook)

Before we rush headlong into all of this, a few qualms:

1) There are four succinctly-worded packages. One can hold his hands, hug him, kiss him and so on and so forth. Package 4 says “anything you want.’’ We don’t know whether to feel offended on his behalf. But if he’s happy, so are we.

2) The 20 percent off on the promo code ‘RICHGUY’, apart from being a lot of other things, is a bit confusing. What exactly is the 20 percent off ON?

The iPhones, the Audi rides or, maybe, conversations with him? (Over expensive champagne, of course!)

3) The bio is perfect. Except, we don’t get why a woman would want to apply makeup on him on Valentine’s Day. Unless of course, it is slightly unconventional foreplay. (?) No worries, we ain’t judging.

4) The “things...(he)...cannot do’’:

– “Defend” from roaches. (Because a regular human being, leave alone a woman, needs to be “defended’’ from roaches, right?)

– Fashion Talk, Beauty Talk. We are clueless what that is. Is that like, ‘dirty talk’?

5) He is ready to pull off a “Christian Grey’’, a “billionaire playboy”, a “gay persona’’ and a ‘’bad boy’’, among other things. We failed to find any of these either amusing or entertaining. (Pray tell us, good sir, what is so funny when one pulls off a “gay’’ persona? The stereotypes or the lack of consideration? ) Even if he is the “sweet lover’’ with “innocent looks’’...he promises to be.

Word has it that last year, this gentleman had picked five out of 2000 applicants.

This year, we’re hoping the lucky ones resolve all of our qualms.

2000 applicants – Really? (Aside)

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