Dear Jonas Jiju,
Before you bask in the desi glory of marrying Priyanka Chopra in Jodhpur, here are a few things you need to know to survive the Indian wedding.
1. Keep Your Bank Statement Ready
Don’t be surprised if one of Priyanka’s door ki chachi ji (distant aunt) measures you up before popping the question, “Yeh kitna kama leta hai?” (How much does he earn?)
It may come across as rude at first, but trust me, it is just a well intended concern of a chachi (aunt) for her bhatiji (niece), no matter how distant they are.
2. Don’t Wear Designer Shoes at the Wedding
If you do wear designer shoes, hire a security guard to watch over them. There is a high chance you will lose them to Pareeniti Chopra and co., and then end up paying double their price just to get them back.
Yep, petty theft is part of our wedding culture.
3. At an Indian Wedding, Cash Is Baap
Don’t let all that Western media coverage on digital India fool you. India loves cash when it comes to all ceremonies.
So, forget your Amex card and come prepared with loads of karara (crisp) notes. Also, make sure you stock up on lots of 1 Rupee coins. How else will you give the proper amount of shagun?
4. Be Prepared to Be Force-Fed by Rishtedars
Force-feeding food is both a show of love and a test of your sanskaar.
Your collective sanskaar is equal to how enthusiastically you gobble up the nth laddu shoved lovingly down your throat by a bebeji you haven’t seen in your life.
5. Block off a Couple of Months for Your Wedding
Block off a month or two from your schedule. If you are planning a tour, cancel it.
When we desis say wedding, what we really mean are the five hundred odd ceremonies that the bride and the groom, and their family members have to take part in — roka, sagai, tilak, cocktail, mehendi, keertan, haldi, chura, sangeet, shaadi... and that is just till the wedding. There are more ceremonies that follow after.
If you keep all the above in mind, you will survive a desi wedding.
Probably.
(This article was originally published on July 27.)
(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)