The ‘Office Ass’ Massacres: Did Your Booty Survive?

No more beat pe booty, then?

Updated
Fun
3 min read
No more <i>beat pe booty</i>, then? (Graphic: <b>The Quint</b>)

The summer of 2016 witnessed a series of events that would later cement themselves in collective memory as the morbid Butt Massacres of the twenty-first century.

The New York Post, among other leading publications, reported the unfortunate demise of millions of perky butts. The condition was termed ‘Office Ass’ and was described as the gradual flattening of one’s butt as one sits at his or her desk all day.

 The morbid Butt Massacres of the twenty first century. (Photo: Tumblr/<a href="http://http://joellensmith.tumblr.com/post/60968153695">JollenSmith</a>)
The morbid Butt Massacres of the twenty first century. (Photo: Tumblr/JollenSmith)

According to the horrifying reports, the once perky butts were forced to flatten and breathe their last as young millennials sat on them for hours on end, poring over computers and peering at screens with single-minded devotion.

Experts claimed that the loss could be attributed to desk-bound jobs which kept employees from activating their butt muscles.

Experts claimed that the loss could be attributed to desk-bound jobs which kept employees from activating their butt muscles.&nbsp;(Photo: <a href="http://http://gifsme.com/post/138045461157">gifsme.com</a>)
Experts claimed that the loss could be attributed to desk-bound jobs which kept employees from activating their butt muscles. (Photo: gifsme.com)

The Initial Shock

Hundreds came forward to bid adieu to the perky booties that had served them well back in the day.

Gymnasiums encountered alarming outbursts from regulars. Some screeched, some googled, while others merely stood before huge mirrors, shell-shocked and heavy-hearted.

The collective shock at the loss. (Photo: Tumblr/<a href="http://http://showuthedarkside.tumblr.com/post/136986597659">showuthedarkside</a>)
The collective shock at the loss. (Photo: Tumblr/showuthedarkside)

A bunch of stony-faced specialists were called upon to put their heads together and brainstorm to find an ingenious solution to this catastrophe. A pill, perhaps? Or maybe a machine that could work those muscles while employees sat on their chairs with furrowed eyebrows and potato chips, riddled with devastation.

What Came After the Shock

The grave men emerged out of a room, ready to address the nation as butt enthusiasts hung on to the edge of their seats, live streaming the address.

You won’t believe what happened next.

The men scratched their chins, sighed a couple of times, hung their heads low and then uttered the most dreaded word ever known to mankind:

Exercise

 The men hung their heads low and then uttered the most dreaded word ever known. (Photo: Tumblr/ <a href="http://http://yourreactiongifs.tumblr.com/post/143575912527">yourreactiongifs</a>)
The men hung their heads low and then uttered the most dreaded word ever known. (Photo: Tumblr/ yourreactiongifs)

Beat Pe Exercise?

There were thunderous gasps for air. Some swooned, some broke mirrors. Some were rushed to the hospital. This was obviously worse than the problem itself. No one knew what to do.



This was obviously worse than the problem itself. No one knew what to do. (Photo: Tumblr/<a href="http://http://kimberlylemon.tumblr.com/post/145118998363">kimberlylemon</a>)
This was obviously worse than the problem itself. No one knew what to do. (Photo: Tumblr/kimberlylemon)

Some new converts advocated YouTube videos for quick fixes. Media outlets debated various solutions day in and day out. Sedentary lifestyle activists took to social media, posting images of candles and lengthy posts denouncing the godawful word. How could one dislodge one’s ass from the warm comfort of one’s seat? How could one let go of the exhilarating sense of inertia and actually exercise those butt muscles in office? How?

The Final Score

Those were terrible times and there were few survivors.

Is your booty a survivor?

If yes, do it proud and take it for a walk. Daily. Hourly.

No butts. Only perks!

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